In an age of selfies and social media, it's easy to see why the term narcissist is liberally
tossed around.
It's a spectrum almost everyone falls on somewhere, but how do you know if your partner's narcissistic
tendencies are extreme enough to impact your relationship?
Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychoanalyst and author of The Power of Different: The Link Between
Disorder and Genius, told us that it is very common for highly successful people to have
narcissistic traits.
However, just owning one's own success doesn't make someone a narcissist.
Some extremely successful people may be confident in their abilities, but classifying them as
narcissists is inaccurate unless that confidence has no foundation.
Dr. Saltz says she knows people speculate about certain celebrities having narcissistic
traits all the time, but saying they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD,
might not be accurate.
An official diagnosis only comes into play when a person grossly overestimates their
own abilities.
That's commonly misunderstood, which means many of the apparently narcissistic characters
we see depicted in television and movies aren't technically narcissist — they only have
some of the traits.
A true narcissist not only owns his or her accomplishments, but has an arrogance that
leads them to think they are above others and that they have accomplished more than
they actually have.
Dr. Ayo Gathing, who authored The Modern Trophy Wife, said some narcissists are obsessed with
their idea of a perfect life.
They might describe their relationships as "fairy tale romances" or they think they will
live happily ever after no matter what.
They believe that they will have some magical good fortune like winning the lottery, becoming
an overnight star, or finding extreme success.
These ideas consume them, and they believe they will get these things because the world
or the universe owes it to them.
Because they believe this, it follows that they also believe they're superior to others.
That arrogance is the difference between owning their own strengths and becoming narcissistic.
It's also that sense of superiority that leads them to treat people poorly if they consider
them to be beneath them.
Waitstaff and assistants are usually the ones who most often bear the brunt of the narcissist,
but they often try to make their partners feel inferior as well, behaving as though
other people just aren't as smart or talented as they are.
Sometimes, that can lead to them becoming angry when they don't feel others are rising
to their level.
Maintaining an inflated ego of such a great magnitude isn't an easy job for one person.
Dr. Gathing said narcissists often need constant admiration and affirmation from those around
them, and if they don't get the admiration they crave, they can withdraw or even throw
tantrums.
They simultaneously disregard the effect of their behavior on other people, yet highly
value others' opinions.
The narcissist often can't handle it if other people don't think they're as great as they
believe themselves to be.
That ultimately leads to a sense of entitlement, and a belief that they are truly more special
than others.
Melanie Tonia Evans, founder of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, said this can even
manifest in a relationship as infidelity.
The narcissist feels entitled to getting everything they want regardless of the effect on other
people, so they will place blame on their partners, rationalizing and twisting facts
to fit their distorted reality.
They are known to frame situations and lies so that their partner feels like they might
be the one who is responsible.
Dr. Gathing told us that narcissists often exploit other people to get what they want.
They might enter a relationship with someone they aren't interested in just for money,
fame, or status.
But they have no problem ditching that person as soon as they get what they want, or if
those selfish expectations aren't being met — regardless of how it makes the other person
feel.
They are users, draining people of resources without regard to that person's well-being,
often leaving a shell of the former person in their wake.
True narcissists can even go one step further, and psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish told
us,
"The true marker for a narcissistic personality is someone who is missing the component of
their personality that has the ability to imagine the impact of their own behavior on
other people."
Dr. Gathing adds that people often mistakenly assume that narcissists have a total lack
of empathy to the point of sociopathic behavior, when that typically isn't the case.
Most narcissists have a shred of empathy, but they get in their own way.
They are so into themselves that it's hard for them to recognize other people's ideas
or feelings as valid.
They don't necessarily want to hurt people, but they don't often realize or care if they
do.
The narcissist is both envious of others and believes that others are envious of him or
her.
Dr. Gathing told us that a key component and cause of narcissism is insecurity.
Deep down they are so worried that they aren't good enough, to the point where they overcompensate.
They mask that quiet voice of insecurity by loudly proclaiming their own success.
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Andrea, everybody wants this.”
But it's just a coping mechanism, and that same insecurity breeds extreme envy in narcissists.
Most of them truly don't think they are successful or beautiful or powerful enough, so when they
see another person succeeding, it's like salt in that insecure wound.
They think that if another person has success that it takes away from their own achievements.
When confronted with bad behavior, narcissists will often rationalize that the critic is
simply jealous of them.
They simply don't want to see their own shortcomings… which leads to another telltale sign.
Arrogance is probably the easiest attribute to identify in a narcissist.
But again, Dr. Saltz said being arrogant does not necessarily mean the person has NPD.
The difference is when that arrogance negatively affects their life.
“Coat!"
“Michael just rented ‘The Devil Wears Prada.’"
There are debates as to what exactly causes a person to become a narcissist.
Is it nature, nurture, or a combination of both?
Dr. Saltz says there is no real answer, and it is most likely a combination of genetic
predisposal to certain personality traits and external triggers.
However, Dr. Fran Walfish told us she firmly believes the narcissism seeds are planted
in early childhood, and parents can be forming those tendencies in their children as early
as the toddler days.
Either a parent is too harsh on the child, never being satisfied with anything the child
does to the point that their love feels conditional, or they are too indulgent, building a false
sense of entitlement.
“Oh my God, Alba, you’re nurturing a future serial killer!
"The body count does bring great shame.
But it is easier than explaining death to his fragile little mind!”
Narcissistic parents tend to see their children as an extension of themselves, so they often
demand perfection or see perfection that isn't there.
Because of that, they are more likely to raise narcissistic children.
Another trap parents fall into is not giving their children enough responsibility.
Dr. Fran Walfish says that those who escape these responsibilities during childhood become
adults who harbor a sense of entitlement, which could potentially lead to them becoming
narcissists.
They have an expectation for others to pick up their slack.
Dr. Walfish said the personality begins to truly take shape by the time a child is 7
years old.
By adolescence, their character and personality have solidified, and it takes more work to
chip away at the powerful defenses they've built up.
Dr. Gathing told us that kids who grow up privileged or without confidence suffer the
most.
She says:
"The number one tip I give parents is don't be afraid to make your child upset.
It's healthy to let kids feel disappointment, so that they learn early on about ways to
deal with those feelings.
Letting them fail in a safe place where they are loved unconditionally is the best way
to help them build confidence."
Dr. Gathing shared that narcissistic personalities are big and loud because they are attempts
at quieting deep insecurities.
At the core of every narcissist is someone who is hurting.
She said narcissists by nature don't take criticism well, and they commonly lash out
at the person who is trying to help them.
They often suffer from addiction because they try to use something they can control to mask
their pain.
It's like a person whose leg is caught in a bear trap, but they pretend that the trap
is a fancy accessory.
When someone tries to call them on their behavior, it's a direct jab to that injured leg and
they'll often lash out with all their might, not unlike a wounded animal.
It's almost a fight or flight instinct for them to try and defend that injury.
If someone in their life tries to tell them that they might have a problem, narcissists
often fly into a rage and, instead, say anything they can in order to hurt that other person.
In some cases, they completely shut that person down and refuse to talk to them.
"You're the meanest person I ever met!
I’m scared to come out of my room most mornings.
Cuz I don’t know what you’re gonna say to me."
“Really?"
"Yea!"
First, Dr. Saltz says it's impossible to diagnose NPD without proper evaluation from a professional.
However, if someone you love exhibits some of these signs and it's affecting your life,
then it's time for you to take a long, hard look at your relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans told us that once a person has determined that he or she is in any type
of abusive relationship, the first step is to seek therapy — and not necessarily therapy
for the narcissist.
Self-empowerment is the best tool for a person who is dealing with a narcissist.
By nature, narcissistic behavior tears others down, and it's hard not to listen when someone
constantly berates you or points out your faults.
You'll need strength whether you stay and try to help or you decide to leave.
Confronting a narcissist is like going into battle.
It's the ultimate example of tough love, and Evans says the first order of business is
to do some emotional strength training to empower yourself and build up the self-confidence
that the narcissist has broken down.
The second part is to make sure you have a support network of trusted family and friends
to lean on.
Dr. Gathing says to be prepared for the narcissist to lash out when confronted, but to stay strong
and don't take what they say to heart.
Realize this is a wounded person who is reflecting their own self-doubt and self-loathing back
onto you.
Evans says partners who are being abused should make sure they have money and living arrangements
secured in case they need to leave.
They should see a domestic violence agency for advice and resources, and they should
also be prepared for a volatile aftermath.
Preparation is the key to overcoming the brutal backlash.
Dr. Saltz says Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the most difficult disorders to
treat simply because the very nature of the symptoms prevents people from seeing the benefit
of treatment.
One approach is to have their circle of friends, family members, and co-workers gently show
them concrete ways that the disorder is harming them.
Talking about how it's impairing their work and relationships or how it's resulting in
constant anger or depression can sometimes nudge the sufferer in the right direction.
But Dr. Saltz stresses that it is very hard to get someone to see these points without
taking them as a criticism.
She usually sees NPD patients come to treatment for other problems like depression.
They get tired of constantly feeling disappointed and that extreme sense of self-preservation
is sometimes what saves them.
They can start treatment for depression, but an experienced therapist can begin to make
progress on the narcissism at the same time.
She says the narcissistic traits a person exhibits greatly affects their chances of
success in therapy.
A person with a lot of impulsivity is more likely to bolt if they hear something they
don't like in a session, making it difficult to keep them in treatment.
Dr. Walfish says the first step is seeing if the narcissist might budge.
If there's too much rigidity and the possibility of change is slim, the victim of a narcissist
has to ask themselves whether they are honestly prepared to give more in the relationship
than they will ever get back.
If they choose to adjust their expectations and to quote, "accept crumbs instead of a
whole slice of pie," then those letdowns and disappointments won't sting as badly.
She says that partners need to ask themselves:
"But do you really want to do that?
I think everyone deserves an equal full slice of the pie."
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