do you know that feeling when you look
at something and you have to look again
just to make sure your eyes aren't
broken one lonely Sunday evening a few
weeks ago I took a trip to my local
video store to pick up some light
entertainment and I was perusing the
family DVD entertainment on amongst the
likes of The Lion King Toy Story
and II cat ship one Dumbo it what
at first I thought they've been a
monumental cock-up for the DVD
manufacturing plant but no and as I
stood there holding the DVD with a
mixture of excitement go aldermen and
surprise I knew one thing I had to rent
that DVD there are two interesting
things about Kashyap one the first is
that ironically there's an absence of
[ __ ] is actually quite good
and the second is there's an absence of
cats as well because it's about two
bunny rabbits one of which is called
packing that go around shooting camels
that are playing the Taliban
the name the premise or the characters
are no crime in themselves just for
being a complete lot a mindfuck and
quite frankly I don't know what is
amongst the most common questions I've
got from people back home or outside of
Japan are is Japan safe is there crime
in Japan and if you've got a Japanese
girlfriend yet and it's those first two
questions today that I want to address
and talk about and to those people that
say I've been eating unhealthily by
seeing some past videos we'll look
there's a basket of fruit on my table
how can I possibly eat it unhealthily
you don't get a fine figure like this
without sticking to your vitamin C and
of course enjoying the fine taste of C
chicken let's enjoy cooking with C
chicken yeah before I get that out of
the way first time I realize things were
a bit different here was on a trip to
the local convenience store to pick up
some fried chicken to pick up some
apples and various other fruits and as I
stood there in the car park rocking my
car what'd you do I noticed that a lot
of the other cars and the car part was
still running not only that that the
drivers were all inside the store
shopping and not just for a quick box of
Kroenke they had gone in for a full
full-blown shopping trip it was a bit
cold so I could understand why they
might leave their cars running but for
15 to 20 minutes unattended with the
keystore in the ignition in the UK that
would take more balls than a
metaphorical ball pit or unwavering
stupidity I mean it's a strange
experience to be the only one in the car
park look in your car feeling like a bit
of a paranoid fool that degree of trust
is something I haven't really come
across before the biggest crime in
Japan's buying theft for every 100,000
bikes six-point-six gets stolen 3.3
returned because the police are that
good and I of course don't have to worry
about this because I'm the proud owner
of the world's crap if bike if I was to
actually cycle it
I would always certainly die then I went
to unlocking the key got bloody stuck
using the film's sword in the stone
somebody if you can pull the key out of
the bike lock let me know and you can
have the body but you're not gonna want
the bike at all in fact I should
probably just the right away I don't
know why I've got that bike I think the
only time I've ever been worried was
when I was standing at Haneda Airport
and I noticed
japanese man with the perplexed look on
his face staring at my jeans kind of
making his way towards me and so I kind
of turned the other way and then I felt
a hand on my leg and then always I spun
round and he was standing there with a
sticker saying medium sized 34 which he
had pulled off the back of my trousers
because I had left them there from the
day before when I bought them I was
pretty grateful to the man and safe in
the knowledge that if I ever want to be
touched by a Japanese person all I've
got to do is stick load of stickers to
myself bumble around an airport like a
bloody idiot for two hours even the most
dangerous places are quite safe usually
when you hear most dangerous
it means don't bloody go there for
example the one that usually tops the
list is a place called kabuki drop which
is in Tokyo it's huge entertainment
district many bars but it's also one of
the world's biggest red-light districts
and summer I've had the pleasure or
misfortune of visiting when I went to
robot restaurant which is more or less
in the heart of Kabukicho
somebody told me of their friend who was
led into a bar charged the gross
domestic product of Somalia for a beer
and after refusing to pay he was found
later in an alleyway with his arm facing
the wrong way by it's a red-light
district it's not the same bad story but
voyage rider Disneyland Tokyo bad things
are supposed to happen as long as you
avoid the Muppets telling the street try
to drag you off to cheap bar with cheap
shots and free drinks you'll be all
right
truth be told any time Tokyo would feel
sinister as if you were listening to the
matrix soundtrack it should be across
but it doesn't sound like that it sounds
more like I'm going to film it those are
the tourists it would be incredibly
naive me so there is no crime that's
definitely crying last year there were
1.3 million crimes reported but again
that's not bad for a country with 130
million people and certainly when
compared to other westernized developed
nations people have a greater sense of
discipline one thing always gets me is
when I see people standing in a road
crossing waiting for the man to turn to
green so they can cross the road but
even when there's no cars invisible
sorry at all on the road they don't
cross they wait whereas in other
countries and certainly in the UK as
long as no cars people just cross the
road unless Japan is one of the most
homogeneous countries in the world those
cultural aspects and discipline and the
collectivist mindset are retained quite
nicely across the country the only real
crime that exists that I've come across
is the little things I mean I get my
bills and they cover the winnie-the-pooh
sticker on right to lure you into a full
sense of security
oh it's Winnie the Pooh but no it's not
it's a bill isn't it every time surely
it's a crime to sell cheese so rarely
that it's on par with unobtainium try to
get hold of and when you do is in
quantities so small and tiny but so
expensive but to actually buy the stuff
will causing bankruptcy surely it's a
crime to sell strawberries and cream in
a sandwich which you will obviously and
inevitably become addicted to and eat on
an almost daily basis or have to have a
kitchen so small you have to use an
ironing board to prepare your evening
meals these are the real crimes in Japan
the little things the bad things
delicious tasty
Oh oh it's so good thing Jesus cried oh
my god
whoever thought strawberries and cream
sandwiches bloody Jean is so clever