- [News Anchor] From west Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(news music)
- Welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
(laughs)
- Or make a little cummy in our pants.
- I'm Porkin' Mydad.
- (Giggles) And I'm I'm-A-Me Mario.
We're here with tonight's top stories.
And if you don't like that,
you can come to my apartment to yell at me.
(Whispers) Don't put that on the internet.
Come at night when I'm sleeping.
I sleep,
uh sprawled out
definitely naked.
I have no central air conditioning.
And so there is a small AC unit
that is blasting directly at me.
I have like all those colored bulbs and stuff,
and sometimes it's nice to fall asleep
with the one that's on my bed
in like a little purple hue.
- But first youths.
In a desperate attempt
to stay relevant to our besties.
we'll be investigating current teen slang words
like yeet, litty, fam,
sup, get pinned.
(laughs)
That's so Raven,
(continue laughing)
Delaware,
Shaka, brah,
Drake and Josh.
(everyone laughs)
- I'll tell you what young people are going to save us.
When I look at folks like Greta Thunberg
and the sunrise movement,
and I'm inspired to stop working on hard things
because the kids are on the case.
My favorite teens are, oh,
- One teen, any child under the age of 18.
- I, uh..
- How old is Zendaya? Anyone?
- That's the thing. Zendaya is like
all the people that I think of as teenagers
are no longer teenagers.
Oh my God, is this what it's like?
I'm getting old.
Okay.
Well that was a complete failure. I don't know.
Spider-Man is not even a teenager anymore.
I don't even know.
- In other news, today is National Communion Wafer Day.
Communion wafers put a man in your mouth.
- Local churches are anticipating a huge influx
of parishioners, odd for a weekday.
If you've never been to the weekday mass
at a Catholic church,
picture priests doing the most rote muscle memory service
he can manage for 18 of the oldest hags you can imagine.
You might think they'd be friendly because they're filled
with the Holy Spirit. You'd be wrong.
- Weekday Catholics haven't smiled
since Kennedy was elected.
They treat the service like more of a job
than the priest does.
I hope they go to heaven just to make the time input
worth it.
- For National Wafer Day,
get yourself into the backroom of your local church.
Don't look around at anything else going on
and grab a fat stack of wafes.
(both giggle)
My (laughs) No! I won't! I won't!
My favorite flavor is white.
- And my favorite flavor is also white.
- Hold your horsegirls. Hold them tight.
I just heard that we've got breaking news coming in from our
Metro reporter, Seeso Mypeeso.
- Thanks, I'm-a-me. I'm here outside of Gene Hackman's
movie trailer. Just waiting for him to die.
- (Laughs)
- I don't bear any ill will, of course. He's a treasure,
but he's an old treasure and a scoop this big
could change my life.
Guys would want to be me and girls would want
to beat my ass raw.
Earlier, I thought I heard him die,
but it turns out it was just a PA eating a bagel real loud
and not the sound of Gene Hackman's mortal soul
leaving his body.
- I got to say Seeso. I'm a bit disappointed.
- Likewise. I've staked out
many of our oldest celebrities like, Ooh, wow,
this is the complete opposite problem for me.
Who's old now?
- James Hong.
- Sure? James Hong.
Why am I forgetting his name? Warren Buffet.
- Tom Cruise.
- Tom Cruise is old.
Is that old now?
- Oh yeah!
- JK Simmons.
- JK Simmons. Look, I'm
- Also, not old.
- Aging well I think.
Who else? I'm getting faces and not names.
- So I'm just going to go with the script as I remember.
- Describe the faces.
- Magneto, he's old. Professor X,
oh opposite
Brad Pitt that you know that one movie when he was born old.
Anyway, I even grease the steps of their trailers,
but every single one of them,
Willy Wonka somersault over the slippery stuff.
So here I am back at Gene's.
Love his work in Bonnie and Clyde,
and now I wish he'd Bonnie and die.
- I don't care for puns about death.
- Really? Hmm. Well, here are three more.
Coughing up? You're gonna die.
That's a pun on coughing.
Looks like my heart ripped, that's RIP.
And then I've had one too many.
I've had one few
funerals.
One too many, few, few funeral.
F... yeah! - Thank you Seeso.
We've got more piping wet news to funnel down
your solar poles.
Our weatherman Biff is out today on account of getting
picked up by a tornado at a bar.
- At least somebody's getting picked up.
- Shut up, Porkin!
In financial news, howsy, whatsies?
who needs them?
We've got our markets reporter Ashy Janice on the story.
- It's-a-me. I'm standing here outside
Gene Hackman's tasteful Tri-level Spanish style estate.
It's expected to sell for a pretty penny when Gene Hackman
pops the question.
The question being, am I dead yet?
(Giggles)
- But there have been rumours lately
that the housing bubble is going to pop.
And since I'm an expert,
I'm going to tell you how stagflation works.
So you're, uh,
it increases to a point.
And then after it flags
and, uh,
teens, right?
Anyway, back to you.
- Educational!
- And what is the Federal Reserve's role
in all of this?
- Totally. Okay.
So let me explain using as many names
in technical terms as I can.
Bernanki.
(everyone laughs)
So inflation is when you, you do want some inflation,
but it needs to be a percentage that is low
between one and two.
And if the federal reserve prints too many dollars,
then people will be too happy
and we need to crush their souls
into the ground under the foot of the federal government,
not giving a crap, about any of them.
And that's stagflation.
- Thanks, Ashy.
Any peep from Gene?
- Yeah, I hope not.
We want him dead. Back to you.
- And that about does it for tonight's news.
- Hate to see you leave. Love to see you walk away.
- Porkin, that tears it.
You and I are getting divorced.
That's it for us. But before we go,
we'll tell you that tonight's loser in a stunning upset
is Becca.
- I don't know.
- (chuckles)
- As punishment, she has to list
her top five gene Hackman performances,
other than The Royal Tenenbaums.
And she will also reenact her favorite line from each movie.
- This is a Gene Hackman impression.
And I'm your shitty son,
I've only seen The Royal Tenenbaums.
(everyone laughs)