Mom! Mom, I'm not okay.
Piper, we're trying to study here.
I'm talking to my mother.
What's wrong, baby?
Jessica unfollowed me.
No one cares.
Henry. Why would Jessica unfollow you?
'Cause she posted a pic of her with me and Alison,
so I posted a comment that said, "OMG, you look so gorgeous."
Well, that's nice.
No, 'cause Alison thought I meant she looked gorgeous,
so she posted a comment that said, "Thanks, IOI"
And so then, Jessica got jealous and unfollowed me
and now I hate myself and I'm gonna die!
Who are you talking to in here?
- Nobody. - Mom!
Ah, jeez.
What is it, sweetie?
Henry was talking to someone in his room,
and now he says, nobody's in here.
Well, I'm sure if Henry said nobody was in then...
[sniffing] Uh.
What is that smell?
- Um. It's Piper. - What?!
She hasn't had a bath in a week.
That's a lie!
Okay, come on, baby. We're gonna go get you a bath.
I don't need a bath! Mom!
Piper, it's just a bath.
And... roll video.
Okay. Go.
Hi, Paula Macchiato.
I want to join your club so much,
I'm gonna eat a bowl of...
hair soup.
Hey, what up, dog? Happy V-day.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
You got to be at least 13 to get in.
Well, we're all 14.
Wrong. I know Piper. You're all nine.
Uh, I'm not Piper, my name is Judy Glickman.
This idea is fake, Judy.
Okay, are you gonna make this a thing?
[groaning]
I hate this thing. Help me take if off.
No, no, no, no. You have to wear this
or your neck will never get better.
[phone chiming]
Oh. Someone texted me.
I can't... see my... phone screen.
[sighing] Someone read me the text.
Okay. Uh, Emma says, "OMG so jelly, I am dying.
Hot skater boy from Spanish class
went up to Stephanie and literally said
he wanted to hang with her right in my face."
I don't know what any of that means.
I'm gonna get a shovel from your garage and go
to the Swellview Cemetery.
And how are ya gonna get there?
- I don't know. - I do.
They sent you that driver's license
by mistake.
Hey. Did this come from the DMV?
Yeah.
And the DMV is a government agency, right?
I-I guess.
And the government doesn't make mistakes, does it?
Well.
Slow down!
Yeehoo!
Turn right! Turn right!
What?
The cemetery is right there, turn right!
'Kay 'kay.
Whoo!
W-why you under the table?
I messed up my hair.
Okay. Come on, Piper. I'm sure it's not that--
Oh my God, what happened to your hair?!
I tried to trim my hair just a little bit
so I could be this Fresno girl doll
for Halloween.
That would've been a sweet 'stume.
But after I trimmed it, I noticed that the right side
was a little bit longer than the left side.
So, I trimmed a little off the right,
but I trimmed too much.
So then I tried to even it out on the left side,
but I trimmed too much again and it just kept happening.
At least it's even.
I look terrible.
And my hair was one of my 50 best qualities.
- Hey. - Bingo.
[screaming]
What's the heck, man?
Piper? What are you doing here?
Feeling good, looking better.
No, I mean, why would Joss Moss invite you to her Sweet 16?
I'm internet famous. I get invited to everything.
What are you two doing here... in tuxedos...
standing over an unconscious guy?
- Uh. - See, uh, we...
- are - waiters.
- Uh, what? - Yep, we're waiters.
[groaning]
Well, yeah, we're just, uh, working the party.
[groaning]
[screaming]
Well, if you're working the party, then go waiter me up
a can of cranberry mango fizzy punch.
You know I actually have a can of punch
right here in my pocket.
Why don't you come over here? I'll give it to ya.
No, no, I'll get you the mango fizzy punch.
Excuse me, Piper.
Yes?
Is there any way you could, uh, drive a little faster?
You need to drive faster.
But that would be speeding. I can't break the law.
Little girl, we are the law.
You need to drive faster.
[rock music playing]
[horn honking]
Get out of the way!
[horn honking]
[screaming]
Oh my God! My brother is Kid Danger!
No, I'm not. I mean, no, he's not.
I mean, no, we're not. Who's your brother?
He's probably awesome, but he's not me.
You should leave.
And you must be Henry's boss from Junk 'n Stuff.
I sure am.
You got a smart sister, Henry.
Dude.
Yeah, it's your brother. I'm his boss.
Make yourself at home.
I will be right back.
Hold up, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.
I got, uh, I got to go to work.
I thought you just got back from work.
Uh, I did, but uh...
I don't get it. If you just came home from work,
why do you have to turn around and go right back?
I'll call you back.
I, uh...
How's it going at the skating rink?
It's going... wheelie good.
[laughing]
Yep. [laughing]
What a funny joke.
Bring me outside right now and show me the rink
so I can be very impressed.
Okay.
[laughing]
You're welcome.
[laughing]
Sorry I'm late. Traffic, am I right?
So, is, uh, is there assigned seating?
Or should I just grab any open desk?
Uh, we don't have desks.
Right, open workspace, very modern.
Kind of a startup vibe, I like it.
Uh, [chuckles]
you don't work here.
Hey, yo, Piper, phone call for you on line two.
- What? - Take a message.
You're the boss.
She's not the boss, I'm the boss!
Okay, you are gonna hear our plan on streamlining
the billing process for medical in charge. Strap in chief.
Oh my God, I can't take this!
Roller kick! [screaming]
[grunting]
What are you- What are you doing?
I'm trying to kick the laser out of his hand!
It's not gonna work.
Yes, it will! I'm helping!
Oh, I thought you were going to Harbird.
Uh, I changed my mind.
Someone's got to keep an eye on Charlotte.
Mm, keep talking like that and I'll leave ya here.
- No. - No.
Speaking of leaving.
Oh. Yeah, we gotta go.
You're going to Dystopia too?
Uh, no. I'm dropping these jerks off at the airport.
Then Schwoz is gonna helicopter me into Florida State.
Hurricane Piper about to make landfall y'all!
Peace. And I can not stress this enough... snitches.
Maybe I should've made her my sidekick.
She never would've taken the job.
[chattering]
Hey, who's this? Your mom?
No, she's not my mom.
Your girlfriend?
I'll tell ya who she is, she's y--
[screaming]
Get your hands off my mouth!
Ah, your hands were on my mouth!
[groaning]
I can taste the robot blood. [groaning]
What's your beazer geezer?
My beazer is you can't tell Piper
- who I am or anything about me. - Why not?
Because look at me! If Piper finds out
that she ends up looking like this,
she'll never wanna leave
the Human Rebel Army
- and then the robots will win. - Mm.