Seven Things He Secretly Wants.
My name is Clayton Olson.
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If you are looking for a deeper relationship psychology that cuts to the core that will
allow you to date with more power, be in relationship with more clarity, transparency, and ultimately,
create long-lasting love.
Now, what do men secretly want?
Because we're going to talk about what men secretly want, I'm gonna try to stay away
from the obvious things that you may have heard that men want from other videos and
other pop relationship psychology.
We're gonna talk about the things that a guy can't necessarily articulate, or maybe he
doesn't want to articulate to you.
And the purpose of this is to give you an advantage – a relational advantage not over
him but just to be able to create a relationship where both of you are able to meet each other's
needs.
And the beauty of this is that when you can find an orientation in a relationship where
you can be generous without compromising yourself, you set up a dynamic where they have the opportunity
to be generous with you as well.
This isn't about just meeting a man's needs and not getting your needs met, this is about
becoming a version of yourself that is generous, that is open, that creates a model and serves
as a leader in the relationship so that there can be a reciprocity that flows back and forth
between the two of you.
Because as you give these things to him it will illuminate the ways in which he can give
to you as well.
Okay.
Let's talk about number one what is the first thing that men secretly want.
Alright the first one out of the gates is that he wants you to be able to walk away.
What do I mean by that to walk away?
Well that you have the power to break up with him.
That you are able to be at choice about your ability to leave him if he crosses a line.
Now, why is this important?
I think there's a romantic notion about love that if you are fully in it and there's nothing
the partner could do to ever have you walk away from them, I think that we're fooling
ourselves and I think there's a certain level of romantic naivety in that.
And your ability to be able to walk away from this guy, your stance of having a certain
line that this man would cross or a certain line that you won't cross internally that
would have you exit the relationship and honor yourself over honor in the relationship is
super important.
Because what it does is it allows your generosity and your acts of kindness to really be seen
as a choice.
Because look, if your back is up against the wall and you don't have the ability to walk
away from a relationship, it could be that the reason in the motivation for you doing
kind things and doing nice things for the guy and maybe even being with him, it's coming
from a place of fear.
A fear of not wanting to lose him.
And the thing is people smell that.
People can smell your intentions they know whether it's set out loud or not they can
feel why you're doing things.
So, when you can walk away it immediately, in some ways, purifies and brings your intentions
into integrity, and that you are there out of a choice and the reason that you are showing
up and being the way that you're being is from an act of choice and love, rather than
fear and obligation.
So, that's the first one is he needs to know that you can walk away.
Number two of what men secretly want is he wants to experience your dark side.
Now, what do I mean by dark side?
I mean the side of you that is willing to fight.
The side of you that is willing to be a little selfish from time to time.
The side of you that might have a dark sense of humor.
The side of you that, perhaps, you feel like you need to keep hidden from him.
Because here's the thing, if you're not willing to bring all of you into the relationship
with him then your relationship becomes fragile and brittle and it also becomes exhausting
for you, because the relationship is then a territory where only one side of you gets
to exist and you don't get to bring some of these darker emotions into it.
And if you're not willing to bring some of your darker emotions into the relationship,
what that typically means is that you're not actually bringing your truth.
You might not be bringing your upset, your anger, your sadness.
You might be trying to hide that from him.
And his experience, ironically and very straightforward, is that he will feel like he's not in relationship
with all of you.
He'll feel like he's in a relationship with some type of fake façade or a one-dimensional
cardboard cutout of you because the relationship is only vibrating at a certain frequency.
But when you can bring your shadow aspect, when you can bring the dark side, when you
can feel that the relationship has the strength and the resilience to handle all of you, it's
actually an honor to him.
Now look, if you get stuck in a place where the relationship is only experienced in your
shadow, your anger, your rage, your selfishness, then that is imbalanced because it doesn't
have enough light.
But the invitation here is to be able to be comfortable enough to bring all of you into
the relationship and to show him that he is worthy of getting all of you, the darker emotions,
the lighter emotions, the truth, the harmony; maybe even sometimes maybe the harmony gets
put to the side for a moment because there's something that you really need to honor and
maybe it feels selfish, or maybe it's something where it's very self honoring and the two
of are gonna have a fight about it.
He needs to be able to see that because you then communicate to him that you actually
trust he's strong enough to be able to handle it.
And it is actually an act of respect to him, rather than some type of betrayal to the relationship.
So, that's number two he needs to be able to experience and see your dark side.
So, I want to just pause for a moment, and I want to invite you to a powerful webinar
that my teaching partner Jack Butler and I are putting on.
It’s called The Three Keys To Attracting And Keeping A High Quality Man.
It's some of the best content that we've created over the last two years and is designed to
really get into the core of where you might be showing up as inauthentic or disempowered
in your dating unknowingly.
And help you come back into integrity and truly become the type of woman that inspires
a man to be his best self when he's with you.
So, that link is right below this video in the description.
Check that out if you haven't already.
Let's move on to number three.
The third thing that men secretly want from you is he wants to be able to be weak in your
presence from time to time.
This one is particularly personal to me, and I know it's personal to many men that I know.
But I typically see myself as a goal-oriented individual who is motivated and determined
to create a certain quality of life, and in that I feel like the world and the things
that I'm up to demand the best parts of me consistently.
And sometimes deep-down underneath all of that, I don't feel like I have it all together.
Sometimes I feel like I'm failing.
Sometimes I feel like I am not adequate enough for the task at hand.
And when I'm in that by myself, it can be excruciatingly isolating.
Now, I love it if a woman has the capacity for me to be in my most exalted brilliant
state where she can support me in being the biggest version of myself out there in the
world.
I really appreciate that.
But even more importantly if there is a place where I feel like I can collapse.
I feel like I can admit and confess that I don't know if I can handle a certain situation.
That I'm confused or lost or trying to figure something out and that that can be met with
love and respect, and actually be seen as strength rather than weakness that is like
medicine to my soul as a man.
And so if you as a woman can create a territory for your guy to be weak where he can feel
like he can lay down the armor and the sword and everything – all the tools the mental
psychological tools that he has that he goes and takes out the world – and he can come
back and truly be a more vulnerable version of himself with you.
That becomes irreplaceable and the way that you do that and the way that you hold that
space is to let this man know that you still respect him even when he feels lost, even
when he feels that life is overwhelming, that his emotional vulnerability in that place
is something that is welcomed and seen as strength rather than seen as weakness.
So, that's number three, he wants to be able to be weak with you and have you be able to
hold that space for him.
And the fourth thing men secretly want is to be taken off any pedestal that you have
him on.
Look, he wants to be in a relationship with his queen.
He wants to feel like a king, and he wants a queen next to him.
He doesn't want to be in relationship with somebody who is just in love with a fantasy
of him in only the good sides because what that actually does it just creates a disconnect.
It creates a place where he doesn't feel like he can be weak or feel like he can fully be
himself.
Because secretly he's in touch with his flaws, he sees his imperfections, he knows that he's
only a human being, and if you're only relating to him as this magnificent person who's on
a pedestal, you're not actually connecting with the real him you're connecting with some
image of who you want him to be in your mind and that's a very fragile connection.
So either bring him down off the pedestal or bring yourself up to be on the same pedestal
as him so that you can be his equal.
From this place he will actually trust you much more.
He will trust your reflections of him much more.
He will listen to you in a different way.
And he will bring you into different parts of his life because he will feel like you
truly know who he is rather than again being in relationship with some facade or projection
of what you want him to be.
And the fifth thing that men secretly want is he wants you to honor yourself and take
responsibility for your life.
So, let's say that you've got a problem with your career, there's a reoccurring frustration
that comes up, or maybe there's something in the mental health category like anxiety
or depression that you need a solution for, or maybe there's something with your physical
health that you're wanting to get back on track, he wants you to be open and honest
about these insecurities.
And more importantly, he also wants you to step into a role of ownership for that and
that you are at least getting on the path to work towards some type of solution to honor
yourself.
What this does for the relationship is it has him feel that you are respecting who you
are.
You're respecting him and the relationship by being honest about it.
And it also builds a greater level of trust and intimacy.
And if there's a place where he can support you, you give him the opportunity to do that
as well especially if you're asking him for some support for some way that he can be accountable
or if there's something that he can do where the two of you can co-create a solution together
that works in the relationship.
This is a way to take your insecurities and the things that feel like weights that hold
you back as gateways or opportunities to bring the two of you closer in a relationship.
Number six he wants you to challenge him but not dismiss him.
Now, that's key because when a guy feels challenged oftentimes as a part of him that feels dismissed.
And it's that feeling of being dismissed that usually causes him to either withdraw and
pull away or get big and start a fight with you.
So, if you can challenge a man and to maintain a deep level of respect for who he is, a deep
level of honor and love, and still being in the corner and having your challenge come
from a place of love and alignment with a vision of who you think he can be rather than
a criticism about how he's currently being, this allows a guy's listening to stay more
open and to feel like he is inspired to be a better man when he's with you.
Now ways that you can challenge a guy, ways that I've currently been challenged in my
relationship is I get challenged to be softer.
I get challenged to lighten up to loosen up, to be less serious about things.
And my partner does a phenomenal job at humorously pointing out places where I tend to be neurotic
at times.
Places where maybe I've got a tight grip on something that I can relax and let go.
And although there may be some feeling of that I'm doing something wrong, ultimately,
I know that she is truly being in service of helping me come into a place of integrity,
self-respect and love.
And therefore, I trust it and I take the feedback.
The challenge has to come from a place of “I love you and this is why I'm saying it,”
not I disapprove of you and unless you fix your act I can't love you.”
It's “I love you and I'm in your corner and I want the best for you.
And here's a place where I see that could bring you more happiness, more alignment and
more joy.”
It's that type of orientation that allows your challenge to go in on a deeper level.
And for him to truly feel that he's got somebody in his corner who can help him become a better
man.
It's worth noting that another way that you can challenge a man is by challenging yourself.
Are you challenged in your own life?
Are you continually looking for places to expand your awareness to expand your life,
to grow into versions of yourself that you are wanting to become?
And we're not talking about maybe just getting a CrossFit membership, although that might
work for some people, but maybe it means developing a spiritual practice.
And working on greater self-acceptance and greater love.
Maybe it means hiring a coach or a therapist to work on these deeper territories of awareness
and love.
It might mean taking up new hobbies and expanding your passions about life.
All of this, as you expand as a human being in the relationship, it challenges him to
grow with you.
It challenges him and serves as a model for him to look at his life and say, “Oh wow.
Where am I shut down?
Where am I not doing these things?
And where can I give myself greater permission to go on the same path or the same journey?”
And the beauty about self-growth is that as you change in the relationship and you change
your relationship with yourself and fall more deeply in love with life, trusting life more,
that translates to your relationship naturally.
And the relationship geometry has no choice but to shift.
And the seventh thing that men secretly want is he wants you to be emotionally expressive.
If you're dating a masculine man, more than likely through cultural conditioning and just
the way that he's raised and his peer group, he doesn't have a lot of permission to experience
that many emotions.
Maybe anger, pride, excitement to a degree, but for the most part most men are shut down
in terms of what they're allowed to experience because otherwise they might be seen as weak.
They might be disrespected by their peer group.
And one of the beautiful things that you as a woman can offer him is this emotional flexibility
and this assuring into a world that is rich with texture, that is rich with the highs
and the lows where he can vicariously experience emotions, that he gives himself no permission
to feel through his relationship with you.
If your feeling shut down and closed off, or scared trying to play it cool in the relationship,
you're denying him of a very sweet territory that he's secretly looking for you to bring
him into whether he can say it out loud or not.
One of the ways of getting more and more access to your emotions is working with a therapist
or a coach.
It's becoming a more embodied woman, getting more in touch with how you're feeling the
different sensations in your body, being able to communicate those having in giving yourself
permission to feel that, and giving yourself permission to feel and express that in the
relationship.
He wants that.
There might be times where your emotional experience blows him out and he shuts down
or has to back away and that's okay.
That's gonna happen from time to time.
But women are fascinating creatures to men and your emotions may scare the hell out of
him but that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be in relationship with it.
As we talk about that, notice how this links all the way back up to being in touch with
your dark side and being able to bring that into the relationship.
Notice how all these just tie into you being able to honor yourself and bring the real
you into the relationship so your emotions are you.
Your emotions and what you feel and how you express them it's the essence of what he's
in relationship with.
And if you are feeling like you're getting stuck in negative emotions and you can't get
out of those, go back to number five which is where you're honoring yourself and you're
taking care of your own mental health if you need to.
And you're doing what you need to become a more integrated whole and complete person.
If any of what I talked about today was intriguing and you would like to spend some more time
with me and my teaching partner Jack Butler, again we've got a webinar below this video
called The Three Keys To Attract And Keep A High Quality Man.
We call it to become relationship ready.
And we dive into different archetypes that women unconsciously play and we also talk
about a certain type of vulnerability that cracks open a guy's heart and truly has him
wanting to be a devoted partner, if the two of you are right for each other.
Click the link below this video.
Check it out.
Subscribe to the channel.
Leave a comment below what you think of these different points and if there's any other
throw them down there too, I'd love to see them.