- Oh, hey, didn't see you there.
It's me, Jackie.
Smosh has given me the opportunity to be a therapist,
a couple's therapist at that,
because we all know I've had the most relationships.
(people offstage laugh)
I think I'm going to really kill this,
because I've been in therapy for a long time,
so I have the tools that I,
and I'm ready to share them.
- And she absolutely was. - She got stuck
- [Bernadette] behind the stage, and I was like,
"What are you doing?"
- I know, I know,
'cause fid,
I mean, like if you're going to do Fiddler on the Roof II,
- If you're going to do Fiddler Roof on the Two,
you have to get on the roof,
and none of the actors wants to get on the roof.
- Hi.
- Hundred thousand dollars.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Welcome, I'm so glad you came in today.
Go ahead and introduce yourselves.
- Hello, I'm Bernadette Michaels.
This is my wonderful husband.
- I'm, and I'm Charles Michaels.
- You're married?
- 25 years. - 25 years.
- 26, if you count the year that I fell in love with her.
- Yeah,
he courted me for a year and I was like,
"What are you doing following me around?"
And he was like, "I love you."
- And I, so I would follow her around.
I'd do a little dance.
I'd have some flowers.
- Don't be shy.
Stand up and do it for us.
- Oh my God, do it.
♪ You're the one ♪
This is a gift.
♪ The one for me ♪ - This was a gift.
- And at one point she was like, "Stop it!"
- It's also his birthday,
wearing his birthday hat. - Wearing my birthday hat.
- I got him that.
- Oh, happy birthday.
- Thank you so much.
- [Keith] Noah, hurry up.
- Sorry, I was just locking the car.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
- Are you who I think you are?
- Well, I'm Keith Leak Jr.
- I'm Noah Grossman.
Maybe you know us if you watch Smosh,
but we're best friends.
- Never seen it. - Yeah.
Oh my God.
(Jackie laughs)
Whoa!
Hi, come in, take a seat.
- Hello, hello.
- Sit down, Ba'ka.
- Oh my Gosh.
(people offstage laugh)
Hi, welcome.
Introduce yourselves.
- Well, I am James Cameron.
I am the director of Avatar 2: The Way of the Water.
- And I am Ba'ka.
- Hi, Ba'ka.
Oh, beautiful hair.
- Not, not, not here.
That's far too inappropriate
for the children that are watching.
- Oh, why is that inappropriate?
- No, please, please don't.
That's a bad idea.
- [Jackie] Is it?
- Oh.
Okay.
- I see you.
- Ba'ka, we told you to stop doing that
with inanimate objects.
- Okay, I saw the first one.
All right.
(Jackie chuckles)
I mean, you go, you both seem so in love.
What brings you in today?
- Our son, Jason.
He just went to NYU,
so we have, we have, we're empty nesters.
- So he's gone.
- Yes.
- So he's gone, so we have a,
we have a spare room.
- I see.
- So we basically,
we have different ideas for what this room should be.
- There you are.
Well, I thought it would be a fun man cave,
for my wonderful husband.
A gym.
I have two Pelotons just waiting to be used.
- Yeah, that's very generous.
- I don't want to use a Peloton,
'cause I don't like a bike that doesn't move.
(people offstage laugh)
Now for me, I want now,
now I'm thinking we open a small dance studio in this room.
Okay, one wall, mirrors, right?
- Yeah.
- We get the barre,
so we can do barre.
- Workouts.
- I thought he wanted to bike Italy,
'cause you can bike Italy on the Peloton.
Did you know that?
- Yeah, you could pull up. - France.
'Cause you pull up on the screens.
- How am I going to dance around
in a studio when there's two Italian Pelotons
just wheeling around?
- Okay, they're not Italian.
They're American made.
- I'll never understand this Peloton.
- I know.
- Noah and I have been friends,
best friends for some time now.
Noah's usually like my chauffer,
'cause everybody knows I don't drive.
Every time I've gotten into his car for like some time now,
he's not had the aux cord.
- Okay, you know that I used to have an aux cord.
- That's, and that's okay,
but you don't have one now,
and like I,
it's really hard listening to your tangents.
You have like crazy long tangents, my guy,
and I need some music in the background.
- First and foremost, I tell him every time,
you've got KUSC, classical music.
You got KPFK, super lefty news.
- Yeah. - Both are great options.
Yeah.
- It's either that or you got me to talk about
how light bulbs are designed to end early,
or maybe how statistically you could see that iPhones
slow down every update.
- But I mean, it goes on for like a hundred minutes.
- Okay, what brings you in here today?
- James Cameron wants to kill my character.
- Oh, wow. - Yes.
- It's a very pivotal moment.
You see, Ba'ka plays a very important role in the movie.
He kind of runs in the background,
and then there's an explosion, and he dies.
But he's, you know,
the Avatar 2: The Way of the Water
has been in production for about nine years now.
- Wow.
- And he's been Ba'ka for nine years.
- [Jackie] Yeah.
- There's not a human underneath there.
This is Ba'ka.
- How do you feel about that, Ba'ka?
You're trying to get ba'booked?
- Ba'ka is trying to get ba'booked, yes.
- That is, that is our,
that is our main source of contention.
Now Ba'ka, he also booked a Colgate commercial.
- Okay.
Beautiful.
(people offstage laugh)
Ba'ka, beautiful.
- And they have had, sorry.
- Oh!
- It is fake.
- Would you like to try it?
- Why not?
Why not?
This is a safe space. - Yeah.
When did you both realize that this was a problem?
- Well, we had breakfast one day.
- Yeah, we did.
We had toast with eggs.
- She likes her toast under the eggs.
I like my toast above the eggs.
So I brought it up.
I was like, "You know, Jason's gone.
"What if we did full mirrors?"
I even showed her the tutu I bought for myself.
And I was like, I was like-
- It's gorgeous.
- It's vintage.
- It's a vintage.
It's eight feet circumference.
- [Jackie] Wow.
- Could barely fit it into the house.
- Wow.
- And it's hard, so it,
it's you really got a tipsy-topsy to get through the door.
- [Jackie] Wow.
- And- - Yeah, we had two,
- two guys help him get in.
His friends.
(people offstage laugh)
- I love those guys. - They're amazing.
I really love those guys.
- Ricardo and Lou!
(Jackie laughs)
- How do I phrase this?
May I ask your identity?
Like what do you?
What's?
Charles, are you gay?
- Is my husband gay?
- I don't know!
I just know- - Excuse me?
- We have one day a year that we set aside.
- We have sex.
- It's a very aggressive-
- He throws me over the bed.
- And I also do it with all the lights off.
I wear night goggles,
so I can see what's going on.
- Yes, and he,
he slips it through his pajamas,
so I've never actually seen it,
which is fine.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
- [Bernadette] I don't mind.
- It's fine.
- I think it's absolutely healthy.
(Jackie groans with laughter)
No, he slips it.
- I think it was after like the third time
I got into the car,
and it, he still didn't have one.
I was like, "I can't do this (bleep) anymore."
Like something has to give.
- Well, okay.
You got to understand.
I got to get the aux cord,
and then I got to get the little extra,
little additional thing,
'cause I got the iPhone, - Okay.
it's one of the newer ones.
- Well, make it happen, captain.
- You're right, I only listed two steps.
- You see what I'm saying?
But if there's three,
make it happen.
Let's go!
Like give me the,
play the music, boy.
- Personally, I'm just trying to support
my friend's musical career.
I think you could,
you're doing runs.
You know, I'm helping your your vocal chords.
Really, I should get like 5%
of everything you make in the future.
- Noah, I don't even get to sing anymore,
because you're talking the whole time.
- You could sing what I talk about.
- What?
Like light bulbs and (bleep)?
- Yeah, the sky,
grain prices are skyrocketing.
- So maybe it's like-
- [Noah] It's causing a global famine.
♪ Making grain rations skyrocket ♪
- I don't feel comfortable doing that, guys.
I really don't.
- I had my line,
(Ba'ka speaks Na'vi)
and he said, "No line."
What? You cut Ba'ka's line?
No, no, no.
Ba'ka needs money,
so you have to keep Ba'ka's line.
- Right, that's,
that's more of a Utey'wa line than a Ba'ka line.
Because Pandora is a real place, you see?
- I, I hear, yeah.
- It's a real place that has very real rules.
I wouldn't just expect, you know,
Leonardo DiCaprio to say something like,
"I want ice cream,"
you know, that's just not his thing.
- So you really want to make sure
you're getting Ba'ka's point of view.
I see, I see.
- Because Pandora's a real place.
- Yeah, so James, you,
James, you keep saying Pandora's a real place.
I believe you.
- Well, they should all believe.
Everyone that's been to Pandora believes it's a real place.
You see, once you're hired on for the role of,
you know, if you're in Avatar,
or Avatar 2: the Way of the Water,
or Avatar 3: the Big Gulch,
or Avatar 4: Sky Warriors,
or Avatar 5: the Titanic,
we put a black bag over their head,
fly them for about 16 hours to this-
- And then we live in the tree.
- And then they live in the tree.
- Wow.
- The tree of the Hilton.
- Oh. - That's right.
Talk a little bit more,
but this time using "I feel" statements, all right?
- I feel like Barbra Streisand
in Face with Two Mirrors,
where she just feels ugly, - How?
and she just feels,
it's right before Kris Kristofferson dies,
and she just feels alone.
And I feel very misunderstood,
just like Barbra Streisand.
- I feel like Judy Garland in the movie, Stop It,
where Judy feels siphoned into something
that Judy doesn't want to be.
Do you remember when she's like,
♪ I wish I could dance ♪
- Yes.
All she wanted to do was dance,
and the movie said, "Stop it."
Everyone was trying to make her stop dancing.
- [Jackie] Yeah.
- I feel you should get a mother(bleep) aux cord today.
- I feel like if you sung that,
might have been pretty cool.
- Oh my God.
So you want me to sing?
You just want me to sing?
- Also, maybe, I don't know,
maybe it's fair that you are giving him rides everywhere.
- [Keith] Oh, hold on.
Whose side are you on?
- You're not really asking for gas money, right?
Is that, or anything like that?
- I've given him gas money and things.
- He's asking for-
- See, now you're jumping to conclusions.
- [Noah] But I didn't ask.
- You being messy, therapist.
- I'm not being messy.
I'm not being messy at all.
- Look at you. - No, no.
- I'm (bleep) not.
- Why you taking his side?
- I just feel like you're the one in here
asking for an aux cord,
when like he's the one giving you rides.
Like it's giving scrub energy.
- But I'm in the-
♪ On the passengers ♪
I'm sitting in the passengers side
- [Both] Of my best friend's ride.
- I know what I am.
Look, I've been telling y'all I'm a scrub.
- [Jackie] Yes.
- I feel like Ba'ka is really good.
And I feel like he should be able to
be in more movies.
- Very good, Ba'ka.
- Well, I feel like it is very important
for your character to die in this movie.
And as everyone knows,
when you die in Avatar 2: The Way of the Water,
you die in real life.
That's just the rules of Pandora,
which is, again, a real place. - A real place.
- A real place, yeah.
So then once the movie comes out,
Ba'ka will cease to exist.
- Exactly.
- No, no. - Well.
I will be with A'wa.
- Well, if it's any consolation,
I'll let you (bleep) the tissue boxes.
- Actually, you know what?
It actually is good.
- Here, take a moment.
Go ahead and get in there.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Go ahead and self-sooth.
- Okay.
- This is highly erotic for me.
I did create Pandora for a reason,
and it was purely for sexual gratification.
- Okay.
- Anyone have a cigarette,
or the Pandoran equivalent of a cigarette?
- An unobtainian cig.
- Ooh, yeah.
- I guess I have to get you to dance.
- I think that sounds right.
Go on, stand up.
Take up.
♪ I want to dance ♪
♪ All night long with you ♪
♪ Today, I'll dance ♪
♪ The- ♪ - Listen.
- Yeah? - You little cowboy.
Yeah?
- Stop it.
- Mm, I like this on you.
- Thanks. - Mm.
Tonight?
- Tonight.
We're getting our,
we're getting our one time in a year early this year.
- We're going to do it.
- Oh, I love that.
Well, I was-
- I've been stocking up.
- Oh, good.
Me too, apparently.
- I was going to give you homework,
but I think that's what I want you to do.
Go home and get a couple Judys in.
- Oh, I know what she means by Judy.
- I do too.
- It means release the stock.
(people offstage laugh)
Thank you.
- Bye.
- I'm a good friend, I promise.
(Jackie laughs)
I feel I'm a good mother(bleep) friend.
- I feel like you're a good mother(bleep) friend.
- Thank you.
- There's some agreement there.
- [Keith] There's some.
- So like I said,
there's a lot of love between you too.
- There's always been, all right.
- Thank you so much for stopping by.
- Of course.
- Yeah, for sure.
- You're great.
- Thanks.
- Let's go to the car.
- Yeah. - Go to the car.
- Do you validate?
- I don't.
- You don't? - No.
Not in this office.
- Well, it doesn't matter.
Just drive me home.
I need a ride.
- You'll Venmo me that like $4.50 though, right?
- [Keith] Well, no.
- [Noah] We've been here for less than an hour.
It says $4.50.
- [Keith] Maybe, I'll think about it.
- I just want to give you both some homework.
When you're writing Avatar 3: The Big Gulch,
keep Ba'ka in mind.
- Yes, perhaps Ba'ka has another twin brother,
Ka'ka.
- Ka'ka! - Yes.
That's good.
- There's always room for Ka'ka.
- That's right.
- Thank you so much for your work today.
- Last chance.
- Yeah. - Yes?
- Okay, are you ready?
It's a lot. - I'm ready.
- Oh my God, Jesus Christ.
(Bleep), okay, okay, okay, let go.
Jesus, (bleep).
- I'm satisfied.
- Go, get out. (everyone laughs)