[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WHEW.
THANKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THAT FEELS GOOD.
HA-HA.
YES.
HEY, MAN, WHAT'S UP?
THANKS VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
HEY, WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HOW IS EVERYBODY FEELING TONIGHT ALL RIGHT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHTY.
ME, TOO.
I FEEL GOOD.
I FEEL FREE, I FEEL FINE JUST BEING ME.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT AND AS WE KNOW, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
WATCHING THE NEWS, THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IS NOW LESS
THAN ONE MONTH AWAY AND APPARENTLY THE CANDIDATES HAVE
TWO VERY DIFFERENT WAYS OF PREPARING.
[ LAUGHTER ] HILLARY CLINTON PORES OVER
BRIEFING BOOKS, THICK WITH POLICY ARCANA AND OPPOSITION
RESEARCH.
SHE REHEARSES OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO PERFECT THE PACING AND
SUBSTANCE OF HER PRESENTATION.
OF COURSE, YOU KNOW SHE'S THE PERFECT STUDENT.
"UH, I'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, MR. MODERATOR, BUT MAY I POINT
OUT, YOU FORGOT TO GIVE US ANY HOMEWORK TODAY."
MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP IS ALL ABOUT SPECTACLE.
ONE FORMER AID SAID "TRUMP WANTS TO BE A SHOWSTOPPER IN THE ROMAN
COLISEUM, THE MAIN EVENT AT WRESTLEMANIA."
WHICH MAKES SENSE SINCE JUST LIKE PRO WRESTLING, YOU LOOK AT
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN AND SAY "THAT'S GOT TO BE FAKE!"
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, SPEAKING OF FAKE
POLITICIANS, SARAH PALIN.
[ LAUGHTER ] MRS. PALIN JUST POSTED ON
FACEBOOK THAT SHE TRIPPED AND FELL WHILE DOING SOMETHING
CALLED "ROCK-RUNNING."
NOT SURE WHAT ROCK-RUNNING IS, BUT I THINK IT'S WHEN YOU JOG
WHILE PLAYING AIR GUITAR, AND WHEW.
AND WHEW.
NO GUITAR?
THERE'S NO GUITAR OVER THERE?
[ LAUGHTER ] [ GUITAR MUSIC ]
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU JUST FOUND OUT THE ENTIRE
BAND IS PREREGARD RECORDED EVERY NIGHT.
-- PRERECORDED EVERY NIGHT.
THEY'RE STANDING THERE DOING THAT EVERY TIME.
LISTEN TO WHAT HAPPENED.
PALIN FELL AND HIT HER HEAD ON A ROCK.
DON'T WORRY, SHE'S OK OR, YOU KNOW, THE SAME.
AND THE PROOF THAT SARAH PALIN HASN'T LOST A STEP IS THAT SHE
SOMEHOW TURNED HER OWN HEAD INJURY INTO AN ATTACK ON HILLARY
CLINTON.
THIS IS HER ACTUAL POST ON FACEBOOK.
"LEAVE HILLARY ALONE, BULLIES.
AWW, C'MON GUYS, GIVE HER A BREAK, ANYONE COULD BE OUT OF
COMMISSION FOR WEEKS ON END WHILST IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE FOR
THE HIGHEST OFFICE IN THE LAND.
HECK, EVEN THOSE OF US CLAIMING TO BE FIT AS A -- SEASONED? --
FIDDLE HIT BUMPS IN THE WELLNESS ROAD.
EVEN I -- ESPECIALLY I -- REMEMBER PIPER'S MIDDLE
NAME IS "GRACE" MINE ISN'T ROCK-RUNNING RECENTLY.
I TRIPPED OVER MY OWN TWO FEET AND CRASHED AND BURNED
FACE-FIRST.
GLAD FOR HILLARY'S PROTECTIVE MEDIA'S PRECEDENCE.
NEXT WOMAN RUNNING FOR POTUS HAS NO NEED TO ANSWER TO MUCH OF
ANYTHING.
FOR WE'VE GOT WEDDINGS TO PLAN AND DOWN-DOGS TO DO AND COOKIES
IN THE OVEN.
JUST LEAVE US ALONE, BOYS."
NOW I WOULD CHALK THAT UP TO HEAD TRAUMA, IF IT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE SHE SAYS.
ANY WAY, SHE IS INJURED.
NOW, I'D LIKE TO WISH SARAH PALIN A SPEEDY RECOVERY AND
WOULD LIKE TO DO IT IN A LANGUAGE SHIED UNDERSTAND SO
FIRST -- SHE'D UNDERSTAND SO FIRST, GOVERNOR PALIN, I HOPE
YOU REST UP THERE, HECK, WHAT WITH THE ROCK-RUNING AND THE
STONE SCIPING AND THE BOULDER BINGO, REMEMBER MY MIDDLE NAME
IS TYRONE WITH THE MEDIA COVER-UP OF THE DANGER ZONE AND
EVERYBODY'S CUTTING FOOTLOOSE, LOOSEY GOOSEY GOOD FOR THE
GANDER, GOOD FOR THE PLANNER OF THE DOWN-DOG WEDDING.
OH THE COOKIES ARE PRED READY, HEY, TRACK.
TRIG.
TRIG-TRACK, BREAK UP YOUR MAMMA'S BACK.
WHY?
BECAUSE OUR VETERANS "DRILL, BABY, DRILL."
TRY OUR MOZZARELLA STICKS, ASK ME ABOUT FREE SHIPPING.
GOD BLESS IT.
SO JUST LEAVE US ALONE, VOICES.