- In 1973 in Pasadena, California, Panda Inn was founded.
10 years later a sleek, sexy businessman showed up
and say hey, can you throw one in my mall but make it quick?
And in 1983 Panda Express was born in the Glendale Galleria
which is the mall that I go to.
That's my mall.
Let's dive in.
(uptempo engaging music)
(gong reverberates)
It has been one week since we ate everything
at Burger King and now we are back.
We're eating another menu, this week, Panda Express
which in itself a hilarious name because pandas
are not known for their speed or there being many of them.
(guys laugh)
So we're gonna go in there, get one of everything
on the menu, which I think is only 26ish things.
The way we're changing it up today is I'm
gonna eat until I get bored of it.
Every single thing, black pepper chicken, fried rice,
white rice, Beijing beef, chow mein, a lot of things.
That was five minutes.
I am so excited this visual menu is gonna be my guide today
'cause sometimes I get it and I'm like
I don't know what this burger is.
I don't know what the fuck that is.
The fortune cookie, did people always used to say like
if you don't eat the cookie you don't get the fortune?
- That's true.
- I'm like fuck off.
(cookie crunches)
This is so sweet and dry.
- I'd like the other half if you're not gonna eat it.
- Oh I love, yeah I only have to eat one bite, so.
Your passionate heart will meet
a matching flame today, Panda Express.
Is this saying I'm gonna fall in love with Panda Express?
- I think so.
(gong reverberates)
- Let's eat Panda Express' menu!
Yeah!
The egg roll, it's like the best
frozen college dorm room egg roll.
Egg rolls are definitely something you never get bored of.
- [Producer] The egg roll was probably invented
in the like the 1800s in San Francisco.
- Nah the egg roll was definitely
invented deep, deep in China.
I've just been informed the egg roll was invented
in 1930s New York, but you know pretty much ancient China.
My favorite and my mom's favorite the crab rangoon.
(engaging music)
Mm, it's like a Chinese cheesecake
appetizer with a light crab flavor.
I fucking love these.
(rangoon crunches)
This is the vegetable spring roll which typically
is only in rice paper but they've done us
the honor of frying it and I appreciate that.
It's like vegetables turned into goo
but the outside is so crispy and the flavor
is so good like I can look past the goo.
It's like if an egg roll was a gusher.
This is the fried lo mein noodles.
Enjoy our crispy noodle in salads,
soups, or with your favorite meal.
They are even delicious straight from the bag.
(noodles crunch)
Wow, those are some crispy noodles.
Did you see how far that one jumped out of my mouth?
Jesus, the tension on that.
They're good, they're bland, I think they would
probably be better on a salad or in a soup.
And now that we've finished a course of the meal
of course I get to have a fortune.
Be curious, be present, embrace uncertainty.
And we're gonna do just that because we're moving
into these boxes and they all look the same.
So let's just start being uncertain and embracing it.
(gong reverberates)
White rice, I mean it tastes like how
the rice out of the grocery store smells,
kinda woody, kinda dusty, kinda ricey.
This guy's gonna hang out.
He's gonna have buddies joining him later.
Broccoli, could've used a little
more time in the steam bath.
Oh fuck yeah!
Everybody loves lo mein!
(engaging music)
Good chew, not too much oil, definitely
has a a lot better texture than the rice.
I would never get tired of eating lo mein.
I'll keep this around because this is also
like essential for the dining experience.
That was chow mein not lo mein.
I guess chow mein and lo mein are the same.
The fried rice, you know perfectly simple.
It's better than white rice.
(mumbles)
I'm in my house today just like in the Taco Bell episode.
I got a new painting.
All of these sides are very much carrier pigeons
for a more important message and the message is meat.
Brown rice, oh it's so wet.
Can you hear it?
I mean look at how together it is.
(engaging music)
It's glue.
Remember in The Matrix when they eat that soupy cereal?
This is probably what I imagine that tastes like.
'Cause they say its very bland and very boogery.
- It's a bowl of snot.
- Some quick research: chow mein is supposed to be
when the noodles are fried and they're kinda crispy
and lo mein is when they're like boiled
and probably stir fried so they're pretty gummy.
These are gummy noodles, these are lo mein
but I think Americans just call all noodles
and veggies that are stir fried chow mein,
and I, you know chow is a better word for Americans
We like to chow down but we also like to get low.
(gong reverberates)
The honey walnut shrimp, look at these walnuts!
Let's try a walnut.
Mm and these are like candied walnuts.
This is the least healthy form of walnut I've ever had.
Walnut, walnut, walnut, these Panda nuts are nuts.
Let's try this shrimp, I'm very excited for this.
I've never had the shrimp from there.
I'm always wary of seafood from fast food.
It's pretty pleasant to eat.
It is very gummy.
It's not the best shrimp in the world
but it tastes kinda like shrimp.
So there's a vegetarian thing on the menu
that's tofu and eggplant, what's it called?
- [Producer] Literally just eggplant tofu.
- This is also the one that leaked all over everything,
which Chinese food is kind of like you always get one thing
that spills in the bag and then you pull everything out
and it's just covered in some sort of brown sticky goo.
So that is part of the experience.
Tofu and eggplant, I think I could blow a bubble with this.
It's like eating a manila envelope.
It tastes like shards of paper are floating around
my mouth and just slowly getting soggy.
Let me just see.
Very similar experience to the food in the box.
Shanghai Angus beef, straight from Shanghai, so tender.
Just watch, this is beef.
Okay I didn't do what I thought it was gonna do.
My teeth just went through like butter.
I know there's sauce on my face.
Okay I need a towel; it's all over me.
Well the Shanghai beef really fights back.
It's pretty good.
I'm excited about this little mushroom.
Look how perfect that little mushroom looks.
Whoa, that's an excellent mushroom.
Green bean, what the fuck?
What's wrong with this dish?
- [Eugene] You keep kissing your arms.
- No there's sauce on my arm.
I'm not kissing my arms.
- [Eugene] You're doing it a lot.
- It's like a good version of the terrible Taco Bell beef.
I should try it with a noodle.
Maybe that'll help quell its anger.
Mm hmm, mm hmm, so you do need to balance
this with some of these sides.
I feel like I need to take a bath.
(blows nose)
This is beef and broccoli.
I can tell because it's got beef and broccoli.
Thin strips of beef that are soaked in sugar and oil,
a little too wet, much tougher meat,
with that fried rice, solid dish.
Can't go wrong with beef and broccoli.
It's a little bland but it's definitely
what you expect it to be.
I could see myself getting bored with this.
Let's introduce the first guest of the day, Eugene Lee Yang!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I wear black and white 'cause I'm a panda.
- Oh that's so cute, you do love pandas.
- I do, I mean I'm Asian I'm required to like pandas.
- Yeah.
- A lot of Asians and a lot of people like
to say that places like Panda Express
are not legitimate Chinese food.
Fast Chinese-American food is its own category.
I would argue that it its own type of cuisine.
- Yeah.
- And Panda Express was created by Asian people.
- Yeah, it was.
- Yeah.
Let's eat the the Kung Pao chicken.
- Yeah, I'm already eating.
- Careful!
Good flavor, it's spicy--
- I mean it's not super authentic but I don't really care.
- Yeah.
- Yeah 'cause it's, it's yummy.
- You know I'm not eating those peppers are you crazy?
This pepper is just screaming fuck you.
- The fried rice, it could use a little more flavor.
- It just needs some salt.
- Mm hmm.
I like the chicken, really fatty.
- Mm hmm and like when you're at the mall don't
you wanna eat the food that has a reputation
of you'll be hungry again in two hours,
so then you can get a pretzel?
- [Eugene] Yeah.
- Let's open our cookies.
- But you have to say your fortune
in an added embed at the end.
- Ooh, you will place your trust
in others and be rewarded in bed.
Wow that seems like it's only for that.
- Yep, your boundless heart will
make room for one more in bed.
- Wow.
- Is that saying you're goonna like--
- Fuck a lot of people?
- Have a threesome?
- I feel like this is gonna be your least
detrimental to your body Eat the Menu yet.
- I think I might be hungry.
- You might want more Panda Express.
Usually you'd have the other Try Guys come guest.
- Yeah.
- But because this is Asian food, I mean
who needs more white guys commenting on Asian food.
I think you should have all the other
Asian people in the office come in.
- All right, well I guess I'll
have YB and Alexandria show up.
If you sign on up on Patreon you can watch YB and Alex
eat all of the food that I don't eat in these videos.
'Cause everybody's like Keith you're wasting food.
I'm like uh ah, I'm making my employees eat it.
- [Alexandria And YB] Oh my God.
- You have a little pepper here on your tooth.
- I have a lot of problems.
The beautiful Eugene Lee Yang.
(hyperbolized applause)
- Go Asia.
- The teriyaki chicken, this meat was cooked recently.
It was grilled, it's got that sear.
It smells amazing, I'm excited.
(engaging music)
That is the flavor.
When you walk around that food court you're doing laps
just to get an extra bite every time you take the lap
and hope he doesn't remember who you were.
Oh thank you, mm, oh yeah I might
get that and then I walk away.
If you did this and just that broccoli
and white rice; it's probably the healthiest thing
you could do at a fast food restaurant.
I need some noodles.
Mm hmm, oh, oh, these two are best friends.
Ladies and gentlemen, she's our editor, she's amazing.
Welcome YB Chang!
(applause)
- Yay, hi.
- YB, I have a very special dish for you.
- Okay.
- I think you're gonna like it.
It's the Beijing beef.
- Yes, I like going back and forth
between this and orange chicken
'cause it just has like a good flavor.
- So if you did a combo you'd do
the Beijing beef and orange chicken?
- Yes.
- And then noodles, fried rice, or white rice?
- Noodles.
- Yeah of course.
- Chow mein all the way.
- Yeah.
(jazzy music)
Oh wow it's so sugar-soaked.
It's like breaded like a fried chicken
but it's pounded and it's a piece of beef.
So in the South this is chicken fried steak.
This one, I'm not getting tired of eating it--
- Right?
- It's really quite good.
- Okay, that's why you go between this and another chicken
or something else so that you can just
eat more and more and not get tired.
- [Keith] Why do you wanna be called Food Babies?
- 'Cause it's like cute.
You know it's like we have food babies 'cause
we're eating so much, but you know we're also like--
- You're also?
- Like...
(both laugh)
- Please, please explain.
Are you saying that you're hot like a babe
or you're like sexy like a baby?
All right, thank you YB we'll see
you next time on Eat the Menu!
- Oh am I supposed to open a fortune cookie?
- Fuck!
- Oh you don't eat it?
- No.
- So you don't eat your fortune.
- It's magic; it doesn't matter.
- Nurture your dreams.
- That sucks.
- I know.
- [Eugene] In bed.
- In bed.
- Those who have hope have everything in bed.
(YB laughs)
- Well thank you.
- Okay, you're welcome.
- Bye.
- Bye YB!
YB Chang everybody, yay!
What are you doing?
- R. Kelly was just charged with
aggravated criminal sexual misconduct.
- All right, yeah, we got him!
Wow I can't believe it; we're a news organization.
Mushroom chicken, oh fuck, it's really good!
That's a terrible name for how delicious this is.
It's really savory, oh wow.
I could eat this whole carton.
- [Eugene] You know that Chinese
takeout carton unfold into plates.
- Unfolded?
- [Eugene] Yeah.
- But how will I fold it back?
Eugene, oh wow, oh look it it's like origami.
I, wow, whoa and then it goes right back.
Wow, fuck, China.
Salty, amazing, I would never get bored.
String bean chicken and there's onions too.
That was a pretty piece of chicken.
This one tastes like at the end of your
Chinese food meal when you've mixed
everything together, this just tastes like that.
All the way from production it's Second Try LLC
please welcome Alexandria Herring.
The other half of the infamous duo, the Leftover Ladies.
- Nope, nope, no--
- The, I don't wanna call you the Garbage Gals
but if you insist, the Garbage Gals.
- Hi, I'm one half of the Food Babies,
like a child of the food.
- That's close, that's better than 'cause you know we're--
- Also yeah 'cause you know, you know.
- Okay.
- You know.
- Okay I don't quite understand but comment below
if you like Food Babies, Leftover Ladies,
or the Garbage Gals which I doubt even if you vote
for that one we're not gonna pick it 'cause it's mean.
The Dumpster Divas.
(both laugh)
- I love it.
- [Keith And Alexandria] Pepper chicken.
This is my dad's favorite.
He always loved the pepper chicken or the pepper steak,
shout out to Donald Habersberger.
- Dumpster Danny?
- Dumpster Danny, my dad, my dad's
not part of the Dumpster Divas.
- [Keith And Alexandria] Cheers.
- Mm.
- Mm hmm, yeah.
- You have that nice gummy texture of the chicken
but then the nice crunch of the celery.
And I love my crunch.
- Oh this chicken is so good, is that gum?
- I don't know why you don't like this.
This is delicious.
- It's just sugar Alexandria.
- But it's like a little spicy, a little pineappley.
- Take a shot.
- Will you take one with me?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [Keith and Alexandria] Cheers.
- Honor the restaurant.
- Better do it I'm watching you.
Mm.
- Oh, eh--
- So good.
- Oh yeah so good.
- It burns so good.
- It does taste like a terrible jello shot.
- Oh, I don't feel good.
- Ah, bye Alexandria, thanks for, oh no,
fuck I can't try to say goodbye.
I want all the fortunes for myself.
I love the the fortunes.
- For success today look first to yourself--
- In bed.
Say yes, in bed.
All right, thanks for dropping by Alexandria.
See ya later!
- Bye guys, thank you, bye.
- See you in the after show.
We're here; we're at the end of the menu
and we're finally where everyone wants us to be,
the covenant, the golden, the impeccable,
the perfectly impossibly delicious orange chicken.
Pow, orange chicken, the only fried...
(chicken smacks)
It's the only fried chicken morsel
so delicious you'll want to eat it twice.
(engaging music)
Mm, oh yeah, it's so good, God.
The orange chicken, you just can't fuck it up.
I don't know I feel like when you walk into
a Chinese food restaurant it smells like the orange chicken.
You can smell the oil, you can smell the sugar,
you can can smell the orange; everybody's having
a good time, people are dancing.
Asian ladies are walking quickly between tables,
cleaning up plates as loud as they can
and then people are getting big plates,
and little boys are going oh wow.
And then everybody's like the orange chicken is here.
And like streamers fall and everything falls away
to black and it's just you and your family at the table,
and you're just there and you're just feeling good,
and everybody takes a bite, and all the arguing stops.
(engaging sensual music)
So there's also a lot of grinning.
(gong reverberates)
There were like five or six things that I thought
were really amazing, but I think my winner
is the going to be the mushroom chicken.
Terribly named but I thought it was actually
the best balance of salt, and sugar, and flavors.
It didn't feel too fatty and I think people haven't
tried it because it's named poorly.
So I'm trying to put that out there.
Try that mushroom chicken.
Tell 'em Keith sent you for 10% off.
Nah, nah no don't do that do that, but you can tell 'em.
My least favorite, hands down, the tofu eggplant.
What a garbage vegetarian choice.
You gotta give 'em something else Panda Express;
cashew veggies, I would eat the fuck out of cashew veggies.
That was the only thing that was bad; I ate the box.
Out of all the fast food places I've tried
this is probably the best one,
just because I don't feel like garbage.
There's enough variety for you to feel like
there's a lot of options but it's not overburdening with you
with all these crazy, slight variations.
Every thing was very different.
It's simple and I think that's why they're so successful.
We'll see you next time!
This has been Eat the Menu!
I ate the menu, make sure you join on Patreon
to see the leftoverladies/foodbabies/garbage gals
eat everything I didn't eat this week.
Plus I'm gonna make them buy some more food
'cause I actually ate a lot more than normal
and they really need to do the muck bone,
you know eating way too much food, you know?
All right, we'll see you next time.
(engaging rock music)
- [Keith And Alexandria] ♪ Beijing
♪ Beijing pork back fat, ♪
♪ Beijing duck ♪
♪ Beijing deer ♪
♪ Beijing fish ♪
♪ Beijing keep ♪
♪ That's the end, pow ♪