- It's not normal that I know that I'm smarter
than the President.
(audience laughing and clapping)
That's not normal!
In the Mueller investigation, how does he not know
that he's individual number one?
(audience laughing)
Come on.
Everybody who's been indicted or gone to jail,
Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort,
it all says in the Mueller Report,
that they co-conspired with individual number one.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Mother fucker, that's you!
(audience laughing, clapping, and cheering)
All right.
Now, if everybody you come in direct contact with
gets herpes--
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't you be like--
(audience laughing)
Am I giving everybody herpes?
(audience laughing and clapping)
But no.
President Trump tweets, "All clear."
(audience laughing)
Too bad for individual number one!
Hashtag sad.
(audience laughing)
No, mother fucker, you have herpes!
(audience laughing)
You are patient zero!
(audience laughing and clapping)
Trump, he doesn't even look presidential.
He doesn't look presidential.
He looks like he's doing an impersonation of a president.
(audience laughing)
He doesn't know what to do with his hands.
Even the way he stands there, he just like--
(audience laughing, clapping and cheering)
He looks like those things that you put out
in front of the car wash, you know--
(audience laughing and clapping)
It's just not normal you all, it's not normal.
Here's another thing that's not normal.
Presidents, they all age while in office, right?
They age while in office, because the job
is so fucking stressful, that it affects you physically.
We seen it.
Obama, first two years, President Obama went totally gray.
His face started drooping.
He got all droopy in the face.
I know one time, I was like is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
(audience laughing and clapping)
Is that what, is that Kareem?
What the hell?
(audience laughing)
George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches.
(audience laughing)
At one point, he was looking like Gollum
from the Lord of the Rings.
(audience laughing)
Ah, my precious!
(audience laughing)
My precious!
(audience laughing)
Bill Clinton, he grew that bulb on the tip of his nose.
(audience laughing)
What the fuck was that?
(audience laughing and clapping)
Bill Clinton looked like the man on the operation board.
(audience laughing and clapping)
But not Trump.
Nope, mm mm.
He's on executive time.
(audience laughing)
Trump hasn't aged.
But we have!
(audience laughing, clapping and cheering)
He is fucking us up!
Everybody's looking older.
By god, I was, I was in my car, saw a billboard.
Cher, Vegas.
I was like, aw shit.
That's on my bucket list, I'm going.
I get to the stop light.
I looked back up.
I was like, oh damn, that's Ariana Grande,
what the hell!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)