AS YOU KNOW, I'M A PRACTICING CATHOLIC.
BUT NOWADAYS, BECAUSE I'M A BUSY TV MAN, I RARELY HAVE TIME FOR
MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITION: CONFESSION.
SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,
THE AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY RIGHT?
>> OF COURSE NOT!
>> Stephen: CE WE TRY THAT ONE MORE TIME?
BECAUSE YOU REALLY SOUNDED HESITANT ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU FORGOT WHAT YOUR LINE WAS.
(LAUGHTER) I'M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD HAVE
REREHEARSED THAT MORE.
I'M JUST SAYING I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO CONFESS TO YOU RIGHT
NOW.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> NO, OF COURSE NOT!
>> STEPHEN: GREAT.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
♪ ( ORGAN PLAYS ) (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW FOR THE RECORD: I'M NOT SURE
IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(ORGAN PLAYS) ♪
FORGIVE ME AUDIENCE.
I TELL MY KIDS TO NEVER USE SWEAR WORDS, EVEN THOUGH THEY
LEARNED ALL OF THEM FROM ME.
(LAUGHTER) (BLEEP)
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE, I WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MOSQUITOES I AM ONE SICK SON OF A BITCH.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE -- I MAKE FUN OF A LOT OF MOVIES I
WOULD'VE HAPPILY STARRED IN IF THEY'D ASKED ME.
(LAUGHTER) "I'M GONNA GET YOU SUPERMAN.
BECAUSE I AM THE BATMAN."
OR THE WONDER WOMAN, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE.
(LAUGHTER) I THOUGHT THE PALEO DIET MEANT
EATING ANYTHING OUT OF A PAIL.
(LAUGHTER) WHY AREN'T I LOSING WEIGHT?
OOK A MUCH SMALLER BITE IN HE IN REHEARSAL.
(LAUGHTER) I KNOW THAT AS A COMEDIAN I'M
SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY THAT THIS ELECTION HAS BEEN SO CRAZY.
BUT I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARED.
(APPLAUSE) I BLAME MY FARTS ON THE DOG
(LAUGHTER) ALSO MY TAX EVASION.
(LAUGHTER) WHEN I HEAR ABOUT A MOUNTAIN
CLIMBING ACCIDENT, PART OF ME ALWAYS THINKS, "WELL... YEAH."
(LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M BLOWDRYING
MY HAIR, I PRETEND I'M IN AN '80'S MUSIC VIDEO.
('80s MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
MY EYEBALLS ARE SO DRY.
(LAUGHTER) ONE TIME I SAW A LION
ATTACK A WARTHOG IN A NATURE DOCUMENTARY AND I WHISPERED
"HAKUNA-MATATA, ( BLEEP )."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) RIGHT BEFORE A NEW IPHONE IS
ABOUT TO COME OUT, I ABUSE MY CURRENT IPHONE TO JUSTIFY
GETTING A NEW ONE.
(LAUGHTER) I THINK THIS CONFESSIONAL FRAME
IS COMING LOOSE.
(LAUGHTER) THIS IS NOT MY IPHONE.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER)
WHEN I GO TO REAL CONFESSION AT MY CHURCH, I DISGUISE MY VOICE
TO SOUND LIKE GREGORY PECK.
LAUGH "FORGIVE ME FATHER.
I COVETED MY NEIGHBOR'S ASS.
NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO YOUR DUTY."
(APPLAUSE) SOMETIMES I'LL USE THE KID'S
URINAL, SO I FEEL LIKE A GIANT.
(LAUGHTER) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
>> WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> STEPHEN: THANKS.
IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO BE FORGIVEN, TWEET ME YOUR
CONFESSION WITH THE HASHTAG "LATE SHOW CONFESSIONS" AND I'LL
SAY THEM ON AIR.
AND I'LL CONFESS RIGHT UP FRONT, WE WON'T PAY YOU ANYTHING.