Lizzie: First of all, I would like to say that I love my sister Jane.
Breaking news, I know.
But ever since she and Bing have been spending more time together, I’m getting this...vibe...off of her.
Not a bad vibe, but rather an “I’m so happy to be with someone, and I wish you were too” vibe.
She’s not as bad as Mom, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it gets...wearing. And maybe part of the reason I went out with Lydia the other night--
small part, miniscule --was not unrelated to that.
But Carter’s during swim week? Let’s just say my expectations weren’t high.
My name is Lizzie Bennet, and last night was...surprising.
"25 Douchebags and a Gentleman" Written by Anne Toole
So yeah, I went to Carter’s with my sister Lydia. And, no, I was not wearing that top.
And it’s Swim Week, so the swim team’s in town.
Which team? All of them.
So, the bar was full of swimmers, all with very nice...drinking habits.
Jane: Lizzie, why is Lydia passed out in the living room?
Lizzie: She’s not. She’s not passed out. I take my sisterly duties very seriously.
Jane: She seems pretty passed out.
Lizzie: Sugar crash. I made her switch to energy drinks. She was bouncing off the walls. Not pretty.
Jane: You took her to Carter’s?
Lizzie: Not took, more like chaperoned. You know how Lydia is.
Jane: That's so sweet of you. Did you guys have a good time?
Lizzie: Uh, clearly you’ve never been to a bar during Swim Week. It was saintly of me. And uh, fun is not exactly the word I would choose.
Jane: I thought you liked swimmers.
Lizzie: Ugh. Allow me to demonstrate a typical interaction of the evening.
How old are you?
Jane: Lizzie, that’s not proper. Lizzie: I don’t care. You want a drink?
Jane: Um...sure?
Lizzie: Cool. Get me one, too.
Jane: Oh, okay! What do you want?
Lizzie: Aww my bad, babe. Let me get that for you.
Jane: Lizzie, can you please stop?
Lizzie: Is coming across like an ass an elective offered in our schools? Because if so, they are acing it.
Jane: Maybe they were just trying to make conversation. I mean, you know how hard it is to meet people.
Lizzie: Jane.
Jane: Too nice?
Lizzie: Way too nice.
Look, I’m thrilled you’ve met an awesome someone, but that doesn’t mean that my Mr. Right is going to fall out of the sky so we can double-date.
And he’s certainly not going to fall off a bar stool.
Jane: Every relationship has to start somewhere.
Lizzie: I guess you did meet Bing because Mom was stalking him.
Jane: No, we met at that wedding.
Lizzie: Regardless, I hope my next relationship doesn’t start in the gutter.
Jane: So every swimmer in that bar was a loser. Really?
Lizzie: Well, there was one guy...
Oh, please don’t sit there. Looks like some of these athletes don’t mind being up to their ankles in liquids.
Jane: Wow. He did that?
You put your jacket over a beer puddle. I didn’t think that happened except in period films.
Lizzie: It’s making a comeback. Like mix tapes and tandem bicycles.
Jane: He seems really nice.
He asked you what you’re studying, and made a joke about a walrus...?
Lizzie: Now you spoiled the punchline.
Jane: And what was his name?
LIzzie: George Wickham.
I think he’s one of the coaches. But don’t get too excited. I’m still not sure he makes up for all the others who were staring at my chest all night.
Jane: But you like him.
Lizzie: Not the point. Jane: It’s not?
Lizzie: I’m not saying he’s the guy for me. I'm not saying I’m ever going to see him again. I’m just saying he’s a gentleman, a rare, rare...
Okay, fine. George Wickham is programmed into my phone and he's already texted me today. Happy?
Jane: Yay! Are you going to see him again?
Lizzie: Well, finals are coming up, but hopefully later in the summer.
But regardless, all this goes to show that gentlemen are an endangered species and if we aren’t careful, they’ll go the way of mix tapes and tandem bicycles.
Jane: But those are making a comeback.
Lizzie: Not the point!
The point is that there’s no excuse for a guy to be rude, arrogant, or stuck-up.
Jane: Oh that reminds me, Darcy was walking by the house the other day? Weird.
Lizzie: There’s no excuse for him. George proves it.
Jane: Is George cute? Lizzie: Smoking hot.