Thank you.
I am your guest host, Sean Hayes.
Ellen isn't here today.
She's at a Little League game with George W. Bush,
so she'll be back, I'm sure, at some point.
I've got to say, I love doing the show.
I really, really do.
You always make me feel so welcome.
So thank you.
In fact, this is my third time hosting.
So it's-- yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Thanks.
It's kind of like a third date, which means you
guys better put out or it's over, OK?
But I do-- I love having this platform.
I love how Ellen sometimes uses it to discuss big issues
affecting the country.
And I would like to take a stand myself and do that today.
I'd like to address the disparity of wages
between men and women.
Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
Here's my problem.
For hosting the exact same show, Ellen makes way more than me.
So as a man, I think I finally deserve equal pay.
Am I a hero for saying that?
Kind of.
I think I am.
The point is, I think I deserve a little more money than I've
been making here, so I took a trip to the Warner Brothers
accounting office.
They didn't know I was coming, but this gay boy
needed to straighten things out.
Here's what happened.
[MUSIC - RIHANNA, "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY"]
(SINGING) Bitch better have my money.
Y'all should know me well enough.
Bitch better have my money.
Hi.
I'm Sean Hayes.
Hello, Sean Hayes.
Hi.
Is this the accounting department?
Part of it.
I'm guest hosting The Ellen Show.
Somebody suggested I speak to Ellen about this,
but I just figured I would just cut out the middle woman
and just come directly to you.
So how much money can you give me?
I'll have to check with the studio.
I can sit and wait.
Are they on speed dial?
Because I-- just so you know, I saw a high school on The Ellen
Show last week get $20,000, so don't tell me
it's not in there because I know how you guys cook the books.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you leave your computer on, OK,
and go to the bathroom, and I'll go ahead and maybe check
some graphs and things out?
We're not allowed to.
I don't know how much Ellen makes,
but I assume it's a frickin' lot.
Could you just take a little bit from her check
and put it into my check?
I don't think I'm allowed to do that.
All right.
So I'm just going to give it to you straight.
Ellen drives a Lamborghini, and I drive a Hyundai Sonata.
And I think we both know that that's not right.
Just a little sidebar--
I'm not even convinced she's a lesbian.
She doesn't even like softball, OK?
I once once caught her staring at my butt.
And she was-- it wasn't like an, oh, that's a nice butt.
She was like, oh, that's a nice butt.
And then she was fanning herself.
So I think it's all smoke and mirrors with her.
All right.
Just be honest.
How much does Ellen make?
Just tell me.
Do you have that on the computer?
I don't have that information.
Can you just pull it up?
I can't.
I kind of feel like you're lying, like you
know how much she makes.
No, I have no idea how much she makes.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
Well, if you can double my salary,
I'll get you tickets to the show, not when Ellen's hosting,
but when I'm hosting.
Well, I want to thank you for your time,
and I'm sorry we couldn't reach an agreement.
So would you mind signing a waiver?
If you could just sign right there just so--
it's just a formality to get you to appear on the show.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you, sucker.
$1 million. $1 million.
You just signed me $1 million.
Oh, my god, what a loser.
Oh, my God.
This is fantastic.
Thanks.
Good luck, chump.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Can you believe I got $1 million?
Yeah, the bad news is I went to Pechanga last night
and lost it all.