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Hi, lovelies!
If you remember back to Vlogmas,
I met an absolutely lovely lady called Megan
who is part of Wegan, which, er...
Seriously, it's like dyslexia hits me with a stick every time I try and...
Wegan
It's basically Megan and her lovely wife, Whitney, and together they are Wegan.
And they are a couple that I have been following since...
way back when.
Way back when.
And I got the chance to meet her and I was so excited, and I gave her a make-over,
and you saw the results of that and it was amazing and I was so pleased.
And the video that we were gonna put out,
where I put retro vintage make-up on her and we...
talked about all different kinds of--growing up with a disability
and being gay and what that was like,
um...
yeah, it got lost.
It's lost, it's--well, not lost.
"Lost..."
would imply that I had somehow put it somewhere and misplaced it.
That's not what happened. Oh, no!
When the computer broke, and then the hard-drive broke,
um...I just lost all my files.
Very, very sweetly,
Megan offered me the second part of her footage.
So that is what I am going to be showing you today.
It was about being disabled and a lesbian
and the kind of intersectionality of that
cross-section.
So sad that the original video has gone, because--because it was so good!
And Megan looked just absolutely beautiful.
As I'm sure you'll agree.
And I don't even have the really good photos that we took
after we'd been filming, so...
You can watch the first part of this conversation by clicking on the link above
in the card, or down below, which will be in the description
and that will take you over to Megan's channel,
where you can watch that and then come back and watch this.
So, here is the second part of the conversation.
We asked questions on Twitter and said, "What would you like us to answer about being gay and disabled?"
J: And what did people say? M: Let me go find them.
M: I didn't, because I hid it, because I'm nice.
I think I thought, once I got to know the person, if I liked them, that I'd probably "warn" them before we met up
The reality was [?[ having to warn them, like--I don't want them to find out when they've met me.
So I'd wait to see if I liked them and then I'd be like, "By the way..."
And then at that point, when I told Whitney, she was like, "I realised, I already knew." I was like, "Oh."
"Oh, OK."
Um, yeah... I don't think I went on a lot of dates people who I'd met in person, I guess.
Some I did, but it might have been like drunk in a night club, so then I'd worry that did they realise?
J: That they'd been so drunk, they just assumed--they thought it was more because they were drunk
M: Yeah. How about you, Jessica?
J: I think in my first wave of dating,
before I met my first--the first person I date, before I met her and went on lots of dates,
I think I did. I did, I put it in all of my dating profiles, like
out, you know, open - tell everyone.
And not that many people responded to me.
No one wanted to go on dates with me
and sometimes, if they did, they were weird.
J: They'd get too into it. M: Aw, no. That's strange.
J: "OK"
J: Some people really like the idea of dating a deaf person.
M: OK.
J: But they were very much like--there's that infantilization, I think, of disabled people.
M: I'm learning so much. J: And then the second wave of dating,
J: I didn't put it on my profile.
J: Like, I didn't tell Claudia, um...
Yeah. I think Claudia first--on our very first date,
when we first met, we very much just told each other everything about everything, ever
M: That's cool. J: and spilled our souls.
J: And got asked to leave the pub, because they were like, "We are closing, get out."
"Sorry."
J: We've already been here for five hours. M: Aww.
J: And then we walked to my house and stood on my front step and talked for another forty-five minutes
M: Did you not invite her in?
J: Well, no, I was saying...! M: You were working up to it, or...?
J: I was waiting for a kiss.
J: You know? Damn it.
M: Oh, waiting for a kiss?! Yeah. J: Kiss on the doorstep! She walked me home.
M: And she was like, "Can I come in?"
J: But it was kind of awkward, like, it's our first date
J: So, we don't wanna go... And we really like each other
so it was very much like, 'we don't wanna go too far'
J: But... M: Me and Whitney didn't--yeah, we're good.
J: You guys had known each other for quite a while M: Yes.
J: when you actually first met. M: We had, but I didn't want to on my first date.
M: Bad. That's bad. J: But it's not a first date if you've been talking for years!
M: True. It's true. J: Does not count.
J: And then our third date, she came to pick me up from work.
And I--it was like the launch of our TV station, it was this big thing,
and I'd got really tired the night before because I'd been working really hard up to the launch,
and I fell asleep really heavily on my leg, so I didn't turn over in the night, as I should have done,
and I paralysed my leg
And, so, I was on crutches
and she turned up, and she was taking me away for the weekend,
and I was like
"Hi." And she didn't say anything!
M: She didn't notice your crutches? J: She didn't even notice!
M: Love. So cute. J: And then I was like--I kind of said an hour later, like,
"Um...you haven't said anything, but I'm on crutches."
She was like, "Yeah, but you told me on our first date that sometimes that happens."
M: Ahh, I see, I see.
J: Yeah, but you could've... You're not going to make a big deal out of it? No?
J: Amazing, let's get married
M: Yes
M: Over the years, since I've been out about having handy,
I have had people message me saying they're gay and they're disabled
and they didn't think they would find someone, so they--
they love seeing how much Whitney loves me; it's really cute.
J: Yeah. I think the problem is just that it's a small dating pool, being gay anyway.
M: And then feminine.
J: Yeah, you've gotta...
J: So it's like you're a fem lesbian, so you've got all the kind of...
women
that like women.
So, like, OK, good, here's this pool. But then you're like, "OK, the one's that I fancy..."
M: Yeah.
"...are like this much, and then the ones that fancy me out of that group is like
this much."
And then you've gotta find the ones that you can actually live with.
And then you've gotta find the ones that are OK with your disability, and then you're like
there's this much, and then you've gotta find the ones out of that tiny pile
that you're OK with whatever baggage THEY bring.
M: Yeah. It's true. J: And that's like...three people.
J: Generally, it's just life, so, you know, I don't know, this is just the way I live my life, so
it doesn't really bother me.
I get mostly frustrated not about most of my physical stuff, because I'm like pain: meh.
I can deal with that. Stuff stops workings? Meh. I can deal with that.
Can't hear? Meh. Can deal with that.
Can't see? Meh. Can deal with that.
But stuff that really bothers me is my fatigue and my memory problems.
I had a lung puncture that went wrong and it killed parts of my brain, because I lost a lot of spinal fluid,
so I have a lot of problems making memories, especially short-term memories.
So I can remember in precise detail
the clothes that I wore when I was four.
M: I can't. J: I can remember exactly things from my childhood
but I don't know where my hair brush is.
Like, I'll put something down
and then I'm like, "Damn it."
And if I don't make the memory, then there's no way I can ever recover it.
So Claudia can say something to me in the morning
like, "Oh, could you...?" and she'll come back in the evening like, "Did you...?" and I'm like,
"Did you ask me?"
J: So I have lists around the house of where things are. M: OK
J: and what I need to do.
M: I was going to say: how do you remember things, then, you do that?
I can only do it if it's right there. "Ahh, that! I'm supposed to do." But then if I don't look at the piece of paper.
Open my make-up drawer. "Don't forget to pay the gas bill."
"Ohh." And, yeah, I'm really sorry to all of my friends who I don't text back
because I...if the notification is gone, it's gone.
J: I don't remember where I saw it. M: I just have a bad memory for no reason, so...
You know, I'm like [mumbles incoherent attempts at trying to remember something]
J: You can borrow an excuse if you need one. M: Yeah, I can borrow one.
I think, for me, I just find it frustrating when I just--
most of the time I don't think about it, and then when I can't do something, like I wanna open a jar
if Whitney's not in the--like for now, Whitney's not in the house, so
I couldn't open something the other day and I was like, "Well, that's that then. I just can't open it."
J: Do you not have--do you not have an occupational therapist?
M: I got assessed once.
J: The story of everyone with a life-long disability. "I got assessed once."
M: Assessed once, and...don't even know what they recommended. I think
I have tried a few things in my life, I just don't like them. I just tend to not like whatever they give me.
M: I'm like no. J: But there is quite a good one for opening jars.
M: I should probably have it. J: It sits on top of the jar and then it basically
clamps on like a spider
and then sucks the lid and then twists the lid around.
M: Cool! J: Someone put a link in the comments
J: if you know what I'm talking about. M: Yeah, I should get that.
J: But it genuinely is quite good. M: I should probably get a lot of things. It's really bad.
M: I used to have an electric can opener and that's not even for anything, but
mum was like, "Here you go, have that."
I think my parents brought me up to not be disabled, if that makes sense,
and I didn't really ever have many adaptions.
The only thing mum made was, like--it had like a fork
they put a little bit of--a mold on or something so I could try and scoop with my left
hand, like, using a knife, because I have to use--I use...
J: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously you have to, like, cut...
M: Yeah. So I actually don't use--I gave up on that.
I use a fork. 'Cause I'm very American, I could [?]
'Cause they don't use fork--knives
That was the other thing about first dates, as well: if I needed anything to be cut
to eat, I'd be like...
J: Did people ask if you needed them to cut up your food?
Yeah. I'd try and order something, I guess, that I wouldn't need that, but I love pizza!
Sometimes it comes cut, doesn't it?
Sometimes it doesn't.
And, yeah,, so it would be really awkward.
But then if people would offer to cut my food, I'd wanna punch them in the face.
M: "Oh!" J: What about when they DON'T offer?
M: And then I'm like, "Can't eat my food."
I was always in an awkward situation of, like...
Someone like, "Oh, you can't carry that."
M: "Why can't I carry that? Yes, I can!" J: You're like, "I think you'll find that I can."
M: And then I can't. So I'm like, "You were right, but..." J: "Yeah, I can't, but you know...don't tell me [I can't]."
M: Yeah, I'm a bit like that. Don't tell me--yeah. I'll ask for help.
J: Yeah, I think that's quite a common...
it's quite a common thing, where you're like, "Don't you dare help me!"
"But also...it's so rude that you're not asking."
M: I don't know, I guess a lot of my content's about being a lesbian, and not really about being gay
and then when I announced it, I was like, "Oh, God, what's everyone gonna say?"
And then I found out a lot of people who followed us had a disability, which surprised me.
M: I was like, "Ooo." J: Did you know one third of LGBT people have a disability?"
M: No.
M: Is there anything out there, though - I could be saying that [?] - for gays and disabled people?
J: My channel.
M: That's what's out there, everyone. This network you've been missing is Jessica's channel. Yes! It's true, though.
It is good. I mean, oh, my God, if I was growing up and found your channel, I would've been like...
J: Yeah, I started my channel because I'm like damn it, when I was that girl and I was a teenager,
lying in bed all on my own, and all of my friends had just kind of gone off to live their lives,
I needed that. I needed someone that I could look at and be like, "Yes!"
"She is gay and she is disabled and she is just living her life."
Because so much of the rhetoric and media around being disabled is so sad
"What an invalid."
"Never gonna have fun."
It's like no, actually, thanks. That's not my life.
M: This is my new love of my life, as well. J: Yes, who also is rather into...red lipstick.
M: That now looks pink. J: Yeah! Yeah, you decided that you were gonna get your lips done.
M: She wanted to join the girls.
What's it like to have two mummies? Is it the best?
J: Yes.
M: That's another thing we've not talked about: having kids one day.
J: Oh, my God! Yes! Oh.
J: Being gay AND disabled AND having children. M: Yes!
J: Woah, minefield. Maybe that's its own video. M: Woooah. Yeah, it's like...poof!
J: Well, we want to be mummies.
J: We want to be mummies quite soon. M: Yeah, how soon?
J: Start trying at the end of this year.
M: Yes! J: That's really soon.
M: That's so exciting!
M: Do you know what? I think we're not far behind you, which is exciting as well.
M: Yeah, so we can share tips. J: We can be gay and disabled mummy vloggers.
M: Absolutely.
M: Yes. J: Yeah, looking after a baby, I imagine is going to be incredibly hard.
J: But...
I feel like my body is already a baby.
I felt like going to university I'm like, "I'm a person,"
but also I already have a baby to look after, which is my body.
M: Oh, OK. Interesting. J: So I have to make sure that it's fed, watered,
J: has enough sleep, takes its pills on time.
J: I don't think the baby will have pills.
M: Some, I'm sure. J: But, you get what I'm saying.
J: So you have this extra thing to look after; it's just something else
M: You'll be more mentally prepared for it, maybe, of like reminding you [?].
J: We're gonna train your babies to open jars. M: Yeah.
M: And hopefully they'll be taller than me, which is just going to be helpful in life. Reaching things.
You know, you've got a good height, so that's good.
M: Wow.
J: I would say the first thing [is] accessible and inclusive spaces.
Because LGBTQ spaces, I find, are the least accessible.
J: In a literal 'there are stairs' type of way. M: Yeah. Yeah.
J: Which I get, because, obviously, it's not always been OK to be open
about being gay, so gay clubs started in like back alleys and...upstairs in a pub.
J: But nowadays, guys... M: Come on, now.
J: You can move down to street level.
You can put in a ramp. You have no excuse now.
M: I agree with that, as well.
M: I think it's a bit like how we're out online about being gay and feminine,
that it helps visibility and it's just the same as disability, isn't it?
So I think that more people feel comfortable enough to be online about themselves and that really helps.
'Cause there is actually a lot of people out there, isn't there?
Haven't found any others that are gay and disabled, but I've found a lot of feminine lesbians
and a lot of gay people and I'm like, "Ooo, nice."
But I think combining would be really cool.
M: To see more of that.
J: Yeah, I think we just need to make sure that if we have a panel of gay people -
it's an LGBTQ+ panel discussing whatever topic,
there's no harm in making sure that, you know, you've got someone on there
who maybe can say what it's like to be disabled as well
since one third of the community are.
J: We'll make a part two! M: Yeah! We'll come back again.
With all the questions we did answer but didn't get on camera.
M: Aww. Well, thank you for joining me today.
J: Yeah, it's been absolutely--joining you? In my house.
J: So happy to be here. M: Thank you for having me in your house, as well.
J: You've very welcome. It's been so lovely to meet you. M: Just...invited myself.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to Megan who is absolutely amazing
for sending over that footage.
And I'm so, so grateful. Oh, my God.
And I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry about what happened
with the stuff that we filmed.
And thank you, thank you, thank you again to Megan, for driving all the way to my house
and letting me put make-up on her.
I don't--it didn't even go anywhere.
But hopefully she will be willing to come down again and I will do it all over again for her.
Make her look fabulous.
Not that she doesn't already.
She's a beautiful lady.
Remember to go off to Wegan's channel and watch the first part of this conversation if you haven't already
and to subscribe to them, because they are absolutely lovely.
And I--I fangirled. I fangirled hard.
And also, if you are new here, then hello!
Come subscribe for more disabled and gay stuff.
And puppies. Who doesn't love that?
I really hope that you enjoyed this video.
If you did, give it a thumbs up, and I will see you next time.
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