Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Who the hell are you?’
Directed by bad movie royalty Fred Olen Ray,
The Tomb features Sybil Danning as a sexy Tomb raider,
for about five minutes.
‘Long time.’
But stay tuned for cult favourite Michelle Bauer as a lesbian vampire Mummy.
‘Wait for me in bed.’
Danning serves only to introduce tomb robber and Indiana Clone, John Banning.
‘Now, about my money.’
One of a few characters whose names pay tribute to 1932’s The Mummy,
as subscribers will recognise from our retrospective of the Universal franchise.
Although you may also recognise this line from a very different source.
'Except a man is dead, murdered and someone's responsible.'
What point are you making about your movie when you are quoting Plan Nine From Outer Space.
'One thing s sure, Clay is dead, murdered and someone's responsible.'
Banning has a lead on an ancient Egyptian tomb.
‘If you’re broken into as many of these places as I have then you’ll realise that this thing’s been undisturbed.’
the statue right in front of you is a tiny hint.
This is the tomb of an evil princess.
‘Her father was so horrified that he had her buried alive in an unmarked tomb’
Who kills Banning’s comrades,
and is revivified by their blood.
‘I won’t follow you, but I’ll be there to meet you when you can’t run anymore.’
Now even if you can get over the fact that this is all 100% Banning’s fault,
there is still a problem with him as hero.
‘Bloody towelhead.’
Really racist.
‘What's one less Eygiptian.'
Also goes to a bar wearing what looks like a 16 year old girl’s pyjamas.
'Crazy white boy.'
I mean the racism is a bigger problem, but… Seriously?
So good news because back in the US Princess Nephretis tracks him down
and I wonder if Stephen Sommers saw this…
the scarab on his heart allows her to control him,
making Banning a less likely candidate for hero and so,
30 minutes in, we meet our lead, David Manners.
‘Who is it tonight? ‘
'Julie… No. Denise’
Better late than never,
and the fact that he has at least two girls on the hook is certainly selling me on his heroic credentials.
‘Yoohoo. May I come in?’
But his father has had the misfortune to buy one of the artifacts Banning stole,
and Nephretis shows up looking for them.
‘I bet it’s been a long time since you’ve made love to a woman like me.’
Well you’ve been dead for last two millennia so how much sex have you been having?
Kali Ma!
‘Nothing’s missing except the victim’s heart’
Actually, also missing is a golden scarab,
‘Inspector it’s obvious that the scarab is the key to this murder.’
that does seem obvious.
‘Nothing’s obvious to me’
That’s not something to brag about.
‘Oh God, this is terrible’
Cameron Mitchell summing up things nicely there.
Now it proves that David ‘2 girls’ Manners’ skill with the ladies is a key plot-point.
‘You don’t think she’d help us?’
‘Not us, you.’
as he must seduce, Helen, the nerdy daughter of another antiquity collector to get information.
‘Thanks for the compliment but I am not a miracle worker’
Hey, this is an 80s film, once she takes those glasses off she’ll turn out to be the prettiest girl in school.
‘What happened to your glasses’
'Oh I don’t really need them’
And this resolves into a love story that’s as well handled as every other part of the film.
‘I’m not ready yet’
‘That’s a relief’
Smooth. There’s not a lot to love in this film.
‘No, this is hopeless, we might as well go home’
That’s their date by the way.
Even with former Dracula John Carradine delivering another in-joke,
‘Nephretis was a lot more terrifying than some fellow in a black cloak and dinner suit’
it fails to be thrilling,
it fails to be sexy.
‘That was quite a love scene. Are you all worn out or are you ready for round 2.’
which ought to be impossible with Michelle Bauer right there.
It fails to be funny.
‘Will you two shut up?’
And fails in other ways too.
‘That’s no way to act.’
No kidding.
And it lurches towards an awkward conclusion via the inevitable ritual.
David and his friend Dr Stewart find Banning and recognise something is wrong with him.
‘Well it’s only a guess but the ancient Egyptian embalmers used to remoce the heart and put a live scarab in its place.’
That’s one hell of a guess, and they remove it with some impromptu surgery.
But what can they do against Nephretis?
‘I’ve got something here that should stop her.’
That’s handy.
‘Stop in the name of Amun Ra’
'ARRRAGH! I made a terrible mistake!'
Doesn’t work brilliantly, but it would have been a pretty unsatisfying ending if it had.
Far more satisfying if she gets distracted by Banning,
'You!'
‘I’ve come to kill you, you mummified bitch!’
so Manners can rescue Helen, ruining the ritual.
This is one of those films that was never going to be great but could have been so much more entertaining than it is;
if only it decided on its hero from the start.
If only its ladies man hero was more convincing.
‘Are you sure you can’t stay and keep me company?’
‘Look if you need me I’m only a phone call away.’
If only Michelle Bauer was allowed to cut loose a bit more,
‘End of Game’
So close, and yet...
‘So far all I’ve heard is a bunch of crazy bullshit’
Thanks for watching. My book The Mummy’s Quest actually uses many of the same names as this
and has an evil Egyptian Princess - there’s a link in the description below.
What other films have paid tribute to the classics like this? Let us know in the comments below.