Hey guys, my name is Chase So today I'm going to be talking to you about
fluctuating bottom dysphoria
A couple of years ago I made a video about fluctuating dysphoria
And I talked about how sometimes it's okay that you-
Feel extreme dysphoria about some aspect, um,
Like your voice or not having surgery
And then other times you're completely fine with your chest
And you're okay with people touching it and you're to not wear a binder
And that's kind of what I talked about
[Deep inhale]
...Now...
I have realized something
I have mi- this will be my third video about my- my- desire to possibly in the future maybe want bottom surgery
And I've realized that the last two videos that I've made about this
Um, have been almost around the same time of year
I think
I might be wrong on that and like, I'm sorry cause sometimes I record my videos and post it like months later on
Whoops
Um, but, I remember making a video not too long ago, so maybe...
A year- I don't know; it was called "FEEN 4 THE PEEN"
And I talk about how I, really in that moment, really really want bottom surgery
And I really want phalloplasty
And, um, basically if you don't know what phalloplasty is
it's a certain type of, um, bottom surgery that trans men can get
They usually take a donor graft from either your arm, your thigh...
You can get it from the back of- the back of your butt... like, your thigh / butt area
You can get it from your side
There- you can also do, um, the groin one where they take the skin kind of like near your stomach
and the groin area to create a phallus
Anyways, so what I was talking about was more the arm one
Where- this is the most popular one because there is an extra nerve in your arm that they take out
and they connect
I will make a video later on about the specifics of phalloplasty and how it works
But, basically I...
[Deep inhale]
I want this type of surgery
and that's what I talked about in that video
and it's so weird because my... dysphoria... with my bottom... area...
fluctuates...
so much
So, currently in my life, I do a lot of review videos
If you've noticed on my channel, um, for the last like, 5 months
I have had a lot of unboxing videos, a lot of review videos, a lot of comparison videos
about all of these toys that I have
Most of these toys are STPs and packers, but I have a lot that are related to sex
Now the thing with sex, and this is like, TMI- if you don't want to know this just like warning you
Content Warning- Talking about sex
I...
I use the products to have sex with people
but the person also has sex with me
And that's how I need it to be- and I need it to be 100% equal, like 50/50
Like 50% of the time I do you; 50% of the time you do me
So I know what these products feel like when I give it to someone
and how it feels like on me when I'm penetrating someone
but I also know what it feels like when someone is penetrating me
and I love that and I never want that to go away
because that is a sensation that I really have learned to love and accept
because even though I'm a trans man, and I'm not supposed to have these parts and love them
I do have these parts and I love to use them
but there is a difference between "I love to use them" with "I love them"
and that's the issue that I'm trying to- I'm trying to just-
get these two pieces of my brain kind of situated together and live together
um, and- in harmony
because I don't want to stop reviewing toys
this is my job- I love doing it and I love providing information for the community
so that they don't have to buy expensive $300 STPs and then I review it and it's not really good
then they don't have to spend $300 on something they thought might work
so that's why I do it
and I'm very fortunate that these companies send me products, uh, for me to review
And I'm really really really grateful that Early2Bed sponsors me and sponsors the videos that I make for them
which is fantastic
So, this part of my life is no problem for me
When I'm having sex with someone, if I have a deep emotional connection with them and I'm comfortable using toys with them
Um, being the top, 'cause usually if I'm having sex with someone and I don't feel emotionally connected I'm the one being fucked
Like, I just like, lie there and I'm just like, whatever I don't wanna have to do any effort
and like use things that I'm not comfortable with you because I don't know who you are
So once I find someone that I have an emotional connection with
100%, use all of these toys on me. Let's do it right now, I'll use it on you at the same time you use it on me
Like, not really possible- I mean technically the Realdoe you can like, in and out I guess
But- that's not for here
So I love this part, but I also struggle with really, really, REALLY, wanting phalloplasty
And the thing is that I want a penis, but I don't want to have surgery
And, yeah, obviously that's what everyone's gonna say, but...
[Inhale]
It's very hard for me to accept that I will never have a cis penis
It will never happen- ever, no matter how hard I wish it in my head, it's never gonna happen
and I've had to mourn this idea
I'm still working on that, literally like seven years into this
[Deep Inhale]
It's very hard for me to accept that
Um, but I'm working on accepting it
And I've come to a place where I know I'm never gonna have a cis penis
so I know that I can have phalloplasty
and that's like the second best thing for me
If I'm thinking that the ultimate is a cis penis
But what I've done with this mourning phase of my bottom dysphoria
and mourning the fact that I will never have a cis penis
is I've completely removed that as an option for me
and realized that the only option that is good is phalloplasty
because there's no point in thinking about something I'll never be able to get
Like I'll never get that- ever. You can't chop off a cis guy's dick and put it on you- it ain't gonna work
So, I've accepted that phalloplasty IS the number one thing now
And I- I like it, and it's great, and I know that there's a lot of misconceptions ab-
mis-con-cep-tions about bottom surgery and I'm not here to give you all of them
but a lot of people think that it doesn't function, you can't have sex, you don't have any sensation, you can't pee, you can't get hard, all of these things
They're all misconceptions. You can get hard if you have a semi-rigid rod where you have a pump or a different type of erectile device
You can have balls implanted, you can have sensation, especially if you do the forearm phalloplasty where they take the extra nerve
in your arm... "extra nerve," I mean they do like microsurgery so they like attach the nerve, it's just like this neve [motions to arm] is...
I think is- has more sensation than the nerve that they would take from if you did the- the phalloplasty graft from your thigh
Um...
I mean there's all of these different myths- I'm not here to just talk about that
But I'm telling you that-
The...
Even if you think it's bad, there are so many amazing surgical advances in phalloplasts that have happened in the last five years-
In the last ten years that it is, uh
Even the last two years!
[Deep Inhale]
That is definitely something to look into if you didn't know anything about it; just get informed
But I'm here to tell you that to me that is the number one option
And I am at a place where I really want...
I really, really want phalloplasty
Um, there are very high complication rates for certain aspects
And then there are high complica- low complication rates for other things
[Inhale]
So I'm- I am- I'm at a point where I'm very confused on what to do with my body
I don't feel pressure- 0% by society
by the community, by anyone, by myself I guess
to get a penis because Penis = Man
I'm gonna say that outright
Penis does not equal man
To me? 0 perce- what the fuck is gender
Literally
I don't even identify 100% as male
Like you could literally categorize me as nonbinary- TECHNICALLY
Um...
But don't because I don't identify as that
I just identify as trans, it's whatever
But I'm- I'm- [laughs]
I am at a place where I feel
That the bulge that I have had in my pants for the last...
Whatever- six years of wearing a packer
Is...
And it's been on-and-off by the way, the packer- on-and-off, and now it's been on for like two years nonstop
Um...
That I, I, I need it to be permanent
part of me
and I don't know how to explain that
and I don't know how to explain it to myself
because I do a lot of self-reflecting
I'm in sociology- I'm doing my master's in sociology, like...
I have taken so many classes on gender and the social construction of society
and sexuality, and gender, and sex
and...
I've really had to think to myself,
"Do I feel like I need a penis to be a man?"
And absolutely not. I say that and I want to vomit a little bit
Like I get kind of queazy like, no
That's not it for me
For some people, you need a penis to be a man. That's you, that's your transition, that's your life. You do you.
But for me that's not- that's not it at all
For me it's like...
I...
I feel like this body part was supposed to be part of me anyways
And it has been very hard to accept that it is not a part of me
But now that I know that it's an option that it can be a part of me
I'm like a girl at a candy shop that has seen her favorite fucking little candy and is like "Ooooh!"
I don't know why I just said that, that sounded really weird
A girl at a candy- why'd I say a girl? Why'd I say a candy shop?
De-transitioning that's why [laughs dramatically] kidding
If I can't get phalloplasty I might as well just de-transition [laughs]
I will say something though, just so that this video isn't super depressing
I have found something that is amazing, okay
[clears throat]
I record a lot of my videos ahead of time so I don't know when this video is going to be out
compared to this next thing that I'm going to be talking about
But, Reelmagik, which is a prothetic company for trans men
Have- have these packers, and they have sent me two to review
I'm currently wearing one
[sighs]
When this review is out, I will put it in the description
If you still don't see it in the description in a couple of months when you watch this video, please, please just comment "Hey, where's that video?"
Because I'll link it to you, because I keep forgetting to like, link my videos in the description, sorry
When I wear this packer, it feels like I have phalloplasty
And to me that's like, I have a- I have a penis! It's mine!
And that's what it feels like
Yes it's not connected to me, but
there is something that they have said in the past
Um, at the Philly Trans Health Conference
If you're gonna plan on having phalloplasty
before you have it, pack big
Because you are not used to having something that is that big on you all the time
Because the thing with phalloplasty is you can't have it small and then when it's erect it gets bigger like a cis penis
It doesn't work like that- you're always gonna be a shower and not a grower
So I pack with the Mr. Limpy small- or Xtra small on some websites
That's- it's small, it's- it's very small and it has big balls but I've learned to love it
and I push it to the side and it's great
But, my phalloplasty, whenever I do decide to have it
IF I do, will never be that big, so...
[Deep inhale]
I have found a packer that resembles what phalloplasty will look like in your pants
after you have surgery
I have a friend who has had phalloplasty
He sends me pictures of him in his boxers and I look at it and then I look at me with this packer on and I'm like oh my god
That's what I'm gonna- this is what I'm gonna look like?!
It's helping me so much to visualize it
And by doing this it's making me- "Can I do this, do I want to do this?"
[Deep inhale]
Can I do all of these activities that I like doing like, running, um...
I was gonna say cooking, that's random, but like
biking, swimming,
Can I do this- these, all these activities
yoga, stretching...
[Inhale]
All these movement type activities I guess, um...
Going to the locker room, anything
Can I do all of these activities with having something that is so big in my pants that I'm not used to
And I'm not meaning so big, I literally mean five inches, like,
That's not bi- like I don't want like a ten inch dick
I'm okay with five, I'm cool, that's fine
So that's the point of this video is yes, my dysphoria is fluctuating
Um, yes do I want bottom surgery
Do I not want it
What type do I want because it- when I, like, "Okay I want it"
I'm like "But do I want urethral lengthening?" because urethral lengthening does really add to the complication rate
And I would like to not have a complication with my urethra
Am I okay to si- sta- sit to pee?
Forever?
Pretty much, I think I'm fine with that, honestly
I don't have dysphoria- that's fluctuated too by the way
I used to like, need to stand to pee, but now I'm like, I really don't care
And I'm just imagining all these life events and just walking around and-
I'm really excited to review this specific packer and I am gonna talk about that more in the review so please, link in the description... on that...
One comes out! I need to be more organized I'm sorry I love you
Sorry, I'm just readjusting the peen
I do need to say though I went for a run with this today and it was like, flying everywhere
I need tighter underwear because or else it's just gonna like- it like ended up with the balls on top
And I was like, yeah, that's what- how phalloplasty looks like
Anyways let me know what you think, I know this is like...
It seems that there are a lot of people who kind of disappear from the internet once they reach a certain part of their transition
I'm not planning on going anywhere
If I do end up having phalloplasty I will document
every... single... second... of it... on camera
For me, and for you. Because I love to share my life with you guys and you guys are like my friends
[laughs] I'm lonely a lot so I have you guys
Is that sad?
yeah... nah...
nah, it's fine it's fine
[sigh]
Anyways, let me know what you think, um, do you have fluctuating bottom dysphoria?
What do you think about, I-
I'm not gonna say what do you think about phalloplasty because I know a lot of people have misconceptions about that and I don't want people talking shit
'Cause, you're allowed to not want phalloplasty
But, it would be nice if you didn't talk shit about people who have had phalloplasty because, please remember,
Those are human beings, and those are their bodies
[laughs] I feel like a lot of people forget that, but
Anyways... and it's not because like, one of my closest friends had phalloplasty that I want phalloplasty either, like
Jesus Christ [sigh]
It's a lot of self-reflecting and it's getting kind of annoying and I would like to talk to a therapist about this, actually
and I've never wanted to talk to a therapist about this
But I feel like I would either need to talk to a therapist who is like, trans
And like, knows 100% about all of this I don't even have to explain one thing
Or I need to talk to a trans person who is like, willing to talk to me about phalloplasty
Who've had the same kind of dilemma as me, but have chosen the route of phalloplasty
And someone else who has chosen the route to not have phalloplasty
Anyways, let me know what you think, I love you so much
Please like, comment, and subscribe- I'm almost at 100k which is literally my dream
forever, I can't beleive that I'm close to this number
So please share this video, um...
And, let me know what you think
I love you guys so much, have a great day, bye!