- Cute animals are problematic.
- Let's talk about that.
(cheerful music)
- Good mythical summer!
- In these divisive times the people need an escape
from the atrocities of the world.
And one of the most common peaceful retreats
for the layperson is binge watching cute animal videos.
Well consider your digital utopian calming yurt
firebombed by truth, because cute animals
are actually evil.
It's time for Can We Find Out the Evil Deeds
of These Super Cute Animal Breeds?
Alright Link, come on out and check out
the magic matching board.
- Is it safe?
- Yeah, unless you're allergic to magnets.
- I love magnets.
- Okay, I love it when we get to stand up.
- Yeah look at that.
- That may have been cheating.
- Good.
- I don't think it was.
- Any advantage I can get.
- I have seven just completely disgusting facts
about how evil animals can get.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna read a fact and you're gonna take one of these
cute animals, you have nine to chose from,
there's only seven facts, and you're going to place
them next to the fact.
And then after you're done with putting them all together
I'm going to give you one, I'm gonna tell you
how many you got right, then you're gonna have a switcheroo
opportunity. - Okay.
I'm ready for this. - And then if you get,
how many are we looking for him to get right?
If you get four or more right, which should really happen.
You're gonna get your own cuddly plushy stuffed animal
that you're gonna feel very different about after this game.
- Oh really, okay.
- Here's the first one.
This adorable animal will voluntarily eat a human face
and continue devouring said human alive until they die
of blood hemorrhage.
- Ew.
- Isn't that cute?
- They will voluntarily eat a human face,
you don't have to even command it?
- [Rhett] Happily eat human faces.
- Ah.
- The best tactic here is to figure out
which one of these animals would be capable
of figuring out how to buy bath salts.
- Look at that cute dog face.
Now, Jade licks me in the face all the time,
I don't know if that's a precursor
to her eating my face off,
but I don't think so.
And a dolphin, it's hard to eat a face underwater.
Trust me.
- Doesn't the water soften it though?
- That's a good point, Rhett.
- I made you think twice.
- So it's gotta be something that can really chomp and chew.
Wait, is this just a kitten?
- [Rhett] That is not just a kitten, that is a margay.
- A what?
- Margay.
- A margay, is that a full grown margay or a baby margay?
- I think they don't get much bigger than that.
I think they're always cute.
Perpetually cute. - I know that koalas
can be fierce and I think that they have teeth.
- Okay, alright.
- So I'm going with-- - There's logic.
- Well I know they have teeth,
but I think they have teeth sharp enough to eat a face,
is what I really meant. - Okay.
Alright, here's the second one.
Our next creature is shockingly cute,
anaphylactic shock that is.
They produce a poison from their elbows
that they then mix with their saliva in order to severely
poison anyone who attempts to touch them with a single bite.
Cuddly.
- Poison comes out of the elbow?
- Yeah, look at my weenus.
- Yeah.
- Think about that, that would be,
I mean I'd be like a freakin' superhero.
- You didn't say touch it, but are you okay
with me pulling on it?
- I love it when people touch my weenus.
- No poison in it.
- Yeah because I haven't licked it yet.
Poisonous elbows.
- They lick the elbow, poison comes out?
- Yup. - That's crazy.
- Yeah, evil.
- I don't think a pig has an elbow.
So, marking that one off.
- Well-- - Swans don't have elbows.
- Okay. - Penguins don't have elbows.
Clownfish do have elbows, interestingly enough.
But there's no poison in them.
- Okay.
- Man, this--
- That is a slow loris. - A slow loris, right?
Okay, man look at, that thing looks demented
with it's head all cocked over like it's
possessed. - Possessed.
- I'm definitely thinking, let me look at the elbow.
- Elbows hidden in that picture.
But maybe that was on purpose.
- You don't have to move fast if you've got poison
coming out of your elbows.
- Okay here's another one.
This extremely cute animal is surprisingly
the most aggressive of their kind
and once ate a human toe off while the victim was sleeping.
- Oh!
- Remember like the sleepovers we had when we were kids.
First one to fall asleep gets their toe eaten.
Aggressive and ate a human toe.
- How do you eat the toe?
It's hard to eat a toe underwater.
- It's often said, oh I can't say that again.
- A human toe?
While sleeping? - While sleeping.
- Why would a dog eat a human toe.
And why would a human toe be around
one of these foreign cats?
- Now you're thinking.
One of these foreign cats.
- Because I think it, I mean these are my only two
viable choices at this point.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- And I'm gonna say this wild cat sneaks up into like
people's tents and starts eating toes.
- [Rhett] Okay.
- I don't know.
- These little cuties use an adorable hunting tactic
where they perfectly imitate the sound
of their prey's dying young and when the panicked mother
comes rushing to help, that's when they attack
and murder her.
- Why are so into that?
- It just sounds fun.
(imitating baby crying)
- This is why whenever I hear my kids crying
I don't go to help, because it might be a trap.
- You are demented.
- Mm-hmm.
My kids are tough man.
No crying in the McLaughlin household.
We bottle up our emotions and let them come out
when we're adults.
- I'm just trying to figure out if,
I know a swan is a demented creature.
I also think they're vegetarian.
- Okay.
Where do you get your facts?
- From animalfact.org.
- Oh yeah.
I think you should be going to animalfacts.com.
- Oh, swans eat meat?
- I think if a swan would eat like
a little fish or something.
Or an insect, yeah.
- Yeah you're probably right.
Dolphins are so smart.
This is such an insidious technique that I think
you gotta have lots of smarts to do it.
- Okay.
We all love heartwarming stories of cute animals
being helped by good humans,
but don't help this cute animal.
They are aggressive and once flipped a man
out of his boat and attacked him until he drowned.
- There's a boat involved.
- And to be fair, the animal, the man was trying
to steal this animal's wallet.
So it was justified, stand your ground,
you know, that kind of thing.
- I think this is probably a water dwelling creature.
- Yup.
- So you think a swan could eat a man?
- I don't know, why don't you go to animalfact.org
and find out.
- But how's Nemo's dad gonna eat a man?
- It didn't eat a man, it attacked him until he drowned.
- Okay.
Then I think it's the swan.
- Okay.
- Because these swans go nuts, they are scary.
You ever been stared down by a swan?
Look away man.
- Okay. - Scary.
- For the first six months of their survival
these baby animals have to stimulate their mother' cloaca,
a hole responsible for urine, feces, and reproduction,
and eat their poop straight out the butt.
That reminds me, I should call my mom more.
- Eat the mother's feces.
- Yeah, for the record, cloaca is my favorite Kardashian.
Just thought I should remind you of that.
- I think I know that this is a koala.
- You think you know that?
- So on my switcheroo round, I think I know
that koalas are poop eaters.
So I'm gonna put this down here
and something else has gotta eat face.
- So you gotta put a placeholder that you can remember
that you should trade with a koala.
So something that rhymes with koala.
Something that's up there that rhymes with koala.
- Clowahnawa.
- Okay good. - Fish.
- Alright, here's the last one Link.
This famously cute animal does what any of us would do
in times of stress.
If the dominant female dies in their group,
the male will develop female genitalia and mate
with their own children.
They will also eat their weak babies.
That's a complicated grief response.
- So a male becomes a female.
- And then mates with their own children.
This is also the exact scenario that will unfold
in this season of Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta.
I've got sources.
- I think I've heard of dogs doing this.
- Oh really.
- Yeah, yeah.
This isn't dogs, this isn't pigs, this isn't penguins.
So it's-- - Wow.
You think you might have gotten something wrong?
Maybe.
- Man how do, I'm trying to, I can't imagine any of these
animals having the ability to change sex,
that's what's so crazy.
Except maybe the clown,
I think my guess is gonna be clownfish.
Man, so for now I'm just gonna say, yeah sure,
dogs can change sex.
- And to be clear, that is specifically a dachshund.
I thought you might recognize that,
given the fact that you own one.
That might help you in your switch around.
Switch around, you know, the old switcheroo.
- Oh it's only dachshunds? - I'm calling it
switch around now.
For the summer.
- Yeah I could tell this was a dachshund.
- I'm going to tell you how many you have right.
- I get to switch stuff around, okay.
- Okay, Link you have two right.
You need to get two more.
- But it's, but I'm not done.
I can switch things around.
Now, I'm almost positive that koalas are poop eaters.
- Okay.
- So I'm putting that here.
And then I have no clue which of these animals
is a sex changer but the only one that I think it could be
is somehow a clownfish. - Somehow.
- I think that was in the deleted scenes from Finding Nemo.
- Right, uh-huh, yeah.
- Okay, can I just have this one, by the way?
- Yeah sure.
You could also find a place to put it on the board
bu you know.
- Okay so happily eating human feces.
- No, faces.
- Oh faces.
(laughing)
- Because that would be the dog.
- Big difference.
- Human faces.
That's gotta be something different now.
You know what, I think it's a freaking pig.
Not this pig, but I think a much scarier
version of a pig somehow.
- Okay.
- And-- - Any more choices?
- I think I'm right about the poisonous elbows.
Man the dolphin, dolphin are so smart
they could do anything.
Alright I'm gonna settle here.
- Okay.
- These are my final answers.
- Here we go, let's work through this.
Happily eat human, not feces, but faces.
You're right, it's a pig.
That's how farmers dispose of each other.
(laughing)
Yeah.
No seriously. - Right when the
crop season's over? - It does happen.
Like if a farmer falls into a big patch of pigs,
they will be reduced to almost nothing within minutes.
- Oh my god.
- It happens, happens every year.
Look it up, animalfact.org.
- But it makes the bacon taste really good.
- Poisonous elbows.
- Yes! Slow loris!
- You're right, the slow loris, that wicked little cutie.
- Demented.
- Aggressive and ate a human toe.
I don't know about the grammar there, but.
(buzzer)
It's a dachshund.
- What? - Yes, you're little
cute little Jade is just thinking about going into your,
under the covers and yeah eating your toes.
- She does burrow down into the covers.
- Yeah, don't, yeah.
Yup, I'm serious man, you should stop that.
Put her in her cage at night.
- No, I'll just wear chainmail on my feet
because she's staying in the bed.
- That's good.
Okay, so, but you got two right so far.
- Okay.
- Mimic baby sound to murder.
(buzzer) That's the margay.
They specifically imitate the sounds of the monkeys,
the baby monkeys that they prey on.
- They ate baby monkeys?
- Well they eat the mothers.
- Oh wow.
- They make the sound of the babies
and they eat the mothers.
You know, it's cooler.
Okay, still only two right.
Drown human men.
- I'm probably, this should have been dolphins shouldn't it.
- No, you're right.
- Okay good!
- Now-- - I know they're mean.
- Dolphins can do some heinous things,
I don't want to talk about it but they do
some really really bad things to human women.
And I'm not, I'm not making this up.
Animalfact.org, look it up.
But the swan specifically has been known
to drown human men.
Okay Link that's three.
All you gotta do is get one more right
and you win your very own cuddly plushy toy.
- And you have to eat your mother's feces.
- Maybe I won't be calling her after all.
Eat mother's feces.
Koala. - Yeah!
- And Link, father eats and mates with young,
woo, Love and Hip-Hop and clownfish.
Link, that's not just four correct, that's five correct,
you're an animal genius.
- That's right, Planet Earth to the rescue.
- Here's what you win.
Yes, this is a man who turned into a woman
and ate his young.
What is it? I don't know.
Happy Nemo day.
- I'll be sleeping with this tonight, and every night.
- Thanks for liking, commenting, and subscribing.
- You know what time it is.
- Hi I'm Gronya, this is Scully, Noodle, Maple, and Winston.
They're all dachshunds, we're watching Good Mythical Morning
and it's time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality.
- Ah!
- She's not gonna have any toes.
In just a couple of months man.
She is living dangerously.
- I'm gonna steal that Maple,
that's the color I'm gonna get next.
- Oh you're doing it again?
- Yes.
- Click through to hear some of the most evil things
human children have ever said.
- And to find out where the Wheel of Mythicality
is gonna land in Good Mythical More.
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