- It was very cool of you to come here and do this.
Thank you for staying six feet away at all times.
God, I need a fucking haircut.
(board snaps) Hello again, America.
It's me, David Taylor, the CEO of the company
that makes Tide and its corollary product, Tide PODS.
A couple years ago, I tried to check in with you all
to explain what I consider a really vital concept.
Soap is not food.
No part of me, at that time, could have ever guessed
that that wouldn't have covered all our bases,
but astoundingly, I'm once again back to say that
in addition to not being food, soap is also not medicine.
Not medicine, and it's not food.
Don't eat Tide PODS, don't drink bleach,
and never inject disinfectants into your body.
No matter what you hear from anybody, anybody at all,
this is a bad idea, okay? (bright, acoustic music)
There are many other non-lethal ways
to enjoy the vast array of products
to keep your home clean, fresh,
and most importantly in these trying times, disease-free.
Take, for example, our new concentrated dry soap tabs.
Add water to just one of these capsules to make a...
a whole bottle of hand soap.
Steve, are you there, bud, can you unmute for a second?
- [Steve] Oh, yeah?
- Hey, these look like aspirin, you know?
They don't look like soap.
There's literally a child proof lid on it.
- [Steve] We didn't want kids to think
that they're food, remember?
- Right, but we also don't want adults
to think that they're medicine.
- [Steve] Well, the president said
that people over the age of 18 can eat soap.
- What!?
These are trying times for everyone.
And the Tide corporation is here for you.
When you're trapped in your home,
it's important that it smell fresh and clean.
That's why our heavy-duty plug-in air fresheners
have more vents than before to freshen more air
and so we can, whoa.
Sorry guys, we obviously can't call them ventilaters, right?
Steve?
We obviously can't call them ventilaters.
Do you see that that creates a confusion?
Every hospital in the country is trying to buy more
ventilators and we're selling a product called ventilaters.
(broken audio murmurs)
Steven?
Steven!?
(dog barks)
Your audio is not good, have you plugged in the ethernet,
like I screamed at you to do?
- [Steven] Hey David, there was a lag
on my side, what'd you just say?
- Ah, fuck you.
(inhales sharply) I'm in hell.
In these trying times, I swear
to God I can't say trying times again.
There's gotta be another way to convey that idea.
- [Steve] What about in these times, which try people?
- In these times which try people?
Yeah, maybe that'll work, Steve, great idea.
(bright, acoustic music) Say see ya later
to loose fibers with the new Tide De-FIBRE-Later.
No.
The De-FIBRE-Later.
What's happening, what're we doing here, people!?
This product makes sense and then,
we named it De-FIBRE-Later, it's literally defibrillator.
- [Steve] Oh no don't worry.
It's not actually a defibrillator.
- I know that, Steven, I know that!
That's literally the problem.
Why is there a doctor holding it!?
- [Steven] It's to honor our healthcare workers.
- You do not get to pretend that you're being noble
if you're just doing some random shit.
If I fuckin' jerk off on the subway, and I say,
"This one's for the troops," that doesn't matter!
You have to actually help people to honor them.
Give them a pay raise.
I can't believe this is happening to me!
Nevermind the new products. (bright, acoustic music)
They're confusing and bad.
Just buy regular Tide laundry detergent,
because that keeps your clothes clean.
If you're on the go and you really need it,
you can use a Tide To Go pen.
Right now, all proceeds from our Tide pens,
this is actually a good thing,
they're actually gonna go towards funding epidemic relief.
We're calling them, epi-pens!?
Oh, get fucked, no we're not.
This isn't a thing we can do!
Does nobody see an issue with this?
God help us.
Epi-pens.
Why does this have a safety cap
like an epi pen if it's for soap?
- [Steve] So the soap doesn't get out.
- (chuckles aggravatedly) Okay.
Yeah, you're a dead man.
I will break quarantine to find you.
We're gonna get sued just for the name, alone.
- [Steve] I haven't passed by legal yet, but--
Why haven't we passed it be legal!?
- [Steve] We're in quarantine.
- [David] This is a repeat of the Tide POD thing
and I fuckin' clawed my way outta that shit.
And now, we got got-damn defibrillators?
Explain to me how it is that I didn't see these designs
until right now.
Oh, Jesus, no one likes sharing their work over Zoom!
Surgeon generals warning, do not...
eat soap to treat disease.
Do we see how this could be a fuckin' problem?
Also, I said I wanted normal soap.
I didn't want it named, "normal soap."
- [Steve] I think it looks better that way.
How do I fix someone's brain?
- [Steve] Soap?
(verbally spazzes)
Now, more than ever, the world needs
the peace of mind that can only come
from the lavender freshness cleaning injector.
(bright, acoustic music)
This is a syringe.
This is just a syringe, that's all that this is.
- [Steve] It's for getting soap in narrow spaces.
- Oh okay, is that why it comes in this first aid kit?
- [Steve] That's the Swiss flag.
- Why is it a Swiss flag!?
- [Steve] We're honoring our brethren of the Swiss country.
The coronavirus also exists in Switzerland.
(muffled rattling)
- Am I Cassandra?
Doomed prophet, alone and unheeded by the weary world?
I told them the Tide PODS look like little gooey candies.
And they say, "No," and now, the leader
of the free world wants us to drink bleach.
Do I drag my carcass to the mountain top once more
just to scream a warning that will go unheeded and unheard?
Or do I end it?
This straight up says Tide Suppositories on it.
(bright, acoustic music) What possible explanation
could there be for us to make
a product called Tide Suppositories?
What is it?
- [Steve] It's a suppository.
- Why are making suppositories!?
- [Steve] So people can clean their ass.
- So that people can clean their ass?
- [Steve] Well, with toilet paper supplies--
Shut up.
Weirdly, bizarrely, I actually follow the logic on this one.
(logos pounds)
It's crazy I'm not in jail.