I did spend a lot
of the pandemic working on myself.
I think a lot of people did that.
I don't know if you guys can tell
I'm trying to stand up straight.
I started working on my posture
because I got an ad on Instagram
that was asking me if I was
slouching too much.
I was just scrolling,
and they're like, are you slouching
right now?
And I looked in the mirror
and sure enough, I'm like this.
And I'm like, how close are you
watching me there?
(audience laughing)
But what they're trying to do
is sell me these rubber bands that
go around your shoulders.
And they make you stand like a guy
that you hate.
(audience laughing)
You know these dudes that just come
into a room, all shoulders
and Adam's apple
everywhere they go?
No one likes that guy.
His name's usually Trevor
or something.
You know the guy, who runs
across the gym.
I don't know if this is hitting too
close for anybody.
(audience laughing)
So I almost bought these rubber
bands that make you stand
like a Trevor.
But I didn't because I'm like,
I have mental strength.
I can just remind myself to stand up
straight.
So that's what I've been doing.
I've just been standing up straight.
And you know what I learned?
Standing up straight hurts my back.
(audience laughing)
Like right now,
this is very uncomfortable.
Where all the bones meet, pain.
You know what feels good?
This right here.
This right here has never hurt me
once.
Never once have I been
like this going,
oh, we got to straighten out.
I think this is where we're supposed
to be.
You know who I think had it right?
That dude in the middle
of the evolutionary chart.
(audience laughing)
You know what I'm talking about?
The cavemen?
On one end, there'd be a guy
crawling.
At the other end,
Trevor just walking all over him.
But if you look in the middle,
there's just a guy
with like a healthy slouch.
I think that's where we're supposed
to be.
(audience laughing)
In fact, if you see a guy
with this slouch, this is a good guy
right here.
Befriend this guy.
This guy will pick you up
from the airport.
He'll be early.
He'll have Starbucks ready.
This is a good guy.
This dude, he will try to date
your girlfriend when you're going
on that trip.
Not a great guy.
(audience laughing)
I think I'm just going to accept
my curved spine because I'm body
positive.
I love the body positivity movement.
I'm not going to live up
to Instagram standards
of spinal cords.
Mine has a bit of a hitch in it
and I'm going to love it.
I love the body positivity movement.
If you guys don't know what the body
positivity movement is,
that's where your body kind of sucks
but you love it anyway.
What a great movement?
Why would you hate your body?
Love it.
That's the one you got.
You're like, yeah, but that guy's
got a better one.
Yeah, that guy sucks.
You got what you got.
You might as well love it.
I wish body positivity was
around sooner.
I could have used it when I was
a chubby kid growing up wearing
a t-shirt to the pool.
I could have used it then.
I could have used body positivity
then.
I thought I look slim,
and you know I didn't.
That's the chubbiest I ever looked.
I would just come out the shirt
would be hugging
my voluptuous curves.
Not anymore, I'm body positive.
I was at the beach last week.
I took my shirt off.
I don't care if my nipples don't
match.
I'm out there.
(audience laughing)
Body positivity.
My only knock on the body positivity
movement, and I think it will evolve
over time, but I hope one day, body
positivity can move north
to include the face.
I don't know if you guys noticed
body positivity seems to cut off
right around here.
Right around here.
Here down, you've got to love
your body.
That's your body.
From here up, oh, yeah, you've
got to fix that.
You're like, why?
It's connecting.
No.
(audience laughing)
Don't mess with your face, you guys.
Your face is beautiful.
That's your face.
Two people came together, they had
an intimate moment,
and this is the receipt.
(audience laughing)
I feel like more people should cheer
at that but everyone's always like,
yeah,
but my parents are pretty ugly.
If I want to smooth out some
of these dents and divots, I will.
I don't know, man.
Life was good before the pandemic.
For me, anyway, 2019
was a great year.
2019 which was the first year I
started to feel like an adult.
In 2019, I was 32.
And I was like it's time.
I was feeling like an adult.
I bought a couch that year.
It was a big year for me.
I'm not saying I never owned a couch
before, I'm just saying I never paid
for one before.
(audience laughing)
It's my first time purchasing
a couch.
It's a big year.
I also pay taxes that year,
never did that before.
(audience laughing)
First timer.
And I'm not trying to say I was
a tax cheat, I always filed my taxes
like a responsible citizen.
But all the other years
the government was like,
whoa, looks like you need this.
In fact, here's a little extra.
We're worried about you.
2019 was the first year they asked
me for money.
And just like that, I'm now
a Republican.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
First 31 years
bleeding heart liberal,
we got to help everybody.
Until they ask me for money,
and I'm like, well, you guys
got to pick yourselves up
by your bootstraps1
(audience laughing)
Can't be pulling the wagon
for everybody!
(audience laughing)
That's my favorite joke because it's
for everybody.
That's a bipartisan tax joke right
there.
Everyone can enjoy it.
One side's like, oh, that's cute.
He's being ironic.
And the other side is, like, oh,
he's seeing the light.
(audience laughing)
he gets how it works.
(audience laughing)