-That's how you do it right there!
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ] You're here.
Let's get to some news. Well, guys, this is exciting.
Tomorrow morning, Congress will hold its first hearing
on UFOs in more than 50 years.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, now that all the problems on Earth have been solved,
on to UFOs. [ Laughter ]
Since 2004, 144 people have called in a UFO sighting.
144 sightings.
That means you have a better chance
of spotting a UFO than a Home Depot employee.
[ Laughter ] "Anyone here?
Anyone here? Ugh, just forget it."
"Any --" [ Applause ]
"Anyone?" -"Anyone in here?"
-"I have to check out myself?" -"Yeah."
-"Okay." [ Laughter ]
"I hope this works." -What?
-You guys see this? Jeff Bezos and the White House
have been going back and forth on Twitter
after President Biden blamed corporations for inflation,
and Bezos blamed Biden's stimulus plans.
Yeah. Now Bezos is gonna buy Twitter
from Elon Musk just to ban Biden.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, things are getting tense. Right now, the CIA
is spying on Bezos, and Alexa is spying on Biden.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. It's Amazon versus the government.
So now we know how the drone war will begin.
[ Laughter ]
Well, on Saturday, former President Trump
held a rally in Austin, Texas,
and he said pretty much what you'd expect.
So instead of showing the same clips
that you've seen a million times,
we're gonna try a new piece called "Trump With No Context."
Enjoy. [ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Uh... Ahh...
Aah!
♪♪
[ Laughter ] -There you go.
[ Applause ]
-Yep. -[ Chuckles ]
-Yep.
-Meanwhile, Senate GOP leader, Mitch McConnell,
spent his weekend in Ukraine,
where he met with President Zelenskyy.
Can we see a photo of them?
Yeah, wow. [ Laughter ]
Zelenskyy looks like a guy
meeting his new stepdad for the first time.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm not calling you dad."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is big. Today, McDonald's announced
that, after more than three decades in Russia,
they're selling their business
and completely leaving the country.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
It's sad news for Russians who will now probably
live 20 years longer.
[ Laughter ]
Right now, a Russian guy is frantically sprinting
to McDonald's to try and redeem his "Monopoly" stickers.
"Please, I just got Baltic Avenue!
I just got Baltic!"
[ Laughter ]
Some more business news. I saw that the candy company
Mars Wrigley has recalled some varieties of Starburst,
Skittles, and Lifesavers,
because they could contain metal.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Actually, Mars didn't recall the candies.
They just relabeled them all jaw breakers.
[ Laughter ]
Some travel news. I heard that the TSA
is bringing in more agents to prepare
for the summer-vacation rush.
That's great, but it's not very comforting
to know that a TSA agent is considered a summer job.
[ Laughter ] "You can go.
You can go. You can go.
You can go." [ Laughter continues ]
"You can go." [ Laughter ]
"Yeah, you can go." [ Cheers and applause ]
"You can go."
That's right. They're starting to hire now
for the summer rush.
We're two weeks from June. [ Laughter ]
I guess the training is basically, "Here's the wand.
Enjoy." [ Laughter ]
By the time you're done training,
you'll know how to say, "This lane is closed,"
in six different languages.
[ Laughter ] Hey, this is fun.
The University of Oklahoma just signed a new player,
and his name is pretty unique. Check this out.
-The Oklahoma Sooners got a JUCO transfer quarterback.
His name?
General Booty. -Yeah!
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ] -What?
-What? -General Booty.
Such a proud day for his parents, Pirate and Shake Your.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-Booty. -General Booty, yeah.
I have a feeling his first word as a baby was, "Why?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, he signed to play at Oklahoma.
It's nice to hear about a booty call
that actually ended in commitment.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, get this -- a teenager in Philadelphia
just broke a 57-year-old record
after running a mile in under four minutes.
-Ooh. -And in response, his classmate
was like, "All right. So I'll take that as a no,
you don't want to go to prom with me.
Okay. All right. Fine." [ Laughter ]
Hey, finally guys, it's time for "Pros and Cons."
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪
-Now, tonight, we'll be taking a look
at the pros and cons of JetBlue buying Spirit Airlines.
It was just announced that JetBlue
is attempting to purchase Spirit Airlines.
Yeah, this could mean a lot of changes to the way we fly,
so let's take a look at the pros and cons
of JetBlue buying Spirit Airlines.
Here we go. Pro --
JetBlue is offering to buy Spirit Airlines
for $33 a share.
Con -- Spirit is like, "Heck, you can take
the whole plane for $25."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Pro -- JetBlue promises to bring all-new features
to Spirit planes.
Con -- like "pilots."
[ Laughter ]
You're gonna want those.
[ Applause ]
Pro -- now the two airlines can join forces
and get back to doing what they do best.
Con -- inventing new ways to charge for luggage.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Uh, it's too small.
It's too small. You gotta pay $5.
Small luggage." [ Laughter ]
-"It's got a handle."
-"Yeah. Oh, it's a wallet. Yeah."
[ Laughter ]
Pro -- JetBlue is attempting the purchase
through a hostile takeover.
Con -- a hostile takeover is how Spirit
describes their boarding process.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I have Baltic! I have Baltic!"
[ Applause ]
Pro -- JetBlue wanted to sit down
with Spirit Airlines and make a deal.
Con -- Spirit doesn't do "seats."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Everyone just standing, hold --
[ Laughter ]
Hold the pole.
[ Laughter ]
-"Next. Go ahead."
-"You can go ahead." [ Laughter ]
"You can go ahead, if you want." -"Wait, wait, wait."
-"You can fly it, if you want. I don't care."
[ Laughter ] -"Wait, stop.
Where'd you get those shoes?" [ Laughter ]
-Pro -- Spirit stockholders have a lot of questions.
Con -- like, "How drunk was I
when I bought stock in Spirit Airlines?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Pro -- Spirit's stock rose in anticipation of the merger.
Con -- it's the first time anything from Spirit
has ever gained altitude. "Oh, yeah, we did it!"
[ Applause ]
And, finally, pro -- Spirit and JetBlue
will be combining forces.
Con -- to create "Spue Airlines."
There you have it. Those are the "Pros and Cons."
We have a great show!