You know that one teacher that everybody has
that nobody respected? You know,
everybody just knew, first day of class everybody just knew.
You just looked at each other, all the kids, and nonverbally
they were just like. With their minds they'd be like, we're
going to fuck with him until he quits right?
Thank you everybody.
So if you donít know, here's what the show is. It's
just a bunch of funny people telling 100% true stories.
Tonight's topic is childhood. Ladies and gentlemen, Ari
Shaffir. So, I got this Facebook message from this girl
[bleep] [bleep] once. And by the way, I'm going to say this name
[bleep] [bleep] a lot in this and they're going to bleep it
every time on television. But you guys should just all know
that when you hear a bleep that's because I'm saying the
name [bleep] [bleep]. So I got this Facebook message.
You ever get a Facebook message from somebody that's like from
high school or something, "Well, hey, we drifted apart." And
you're like, "I know, we did it on purpose. Why are you ruining
what we built up for so long?" So [bleep] [bleep] wrote me and
she goes, "Ari I noticed you have a lot of Twitter followers
Facebook friends and I'm in some online contest to win a trip to
the Superbowl and if you tell them all to vote for me in this
online contest I could win this trip to the Superbowl."
And my first thought was, "Go fuck yourself. I barely even
know you, no fucking way." But since I barely knew her, I felt
super obligated to do everything she asked of me. You know that
weird dynamic. Where like, like if your best friend asked you
for a ride to the airport. Your best friend. You can be like,
"You can get a ride to lick my asshole. There's a shuttle
leaving every four minutes right there. Just cut it under there,
it needs licking." But, no, I'll never take you to the airport.
You can go fuck yourself. Eat a plate of shit. I'd rather watch
you eat a plate of shit than ever take you to the airport. In
fact, now you know what now, if I happen to see you at the
airport I'm going to punch you in the dick so you associate me
and the airport with bad thoughts together. That's your
best friend. Like if somebody you met at work like a month
ago, if they asked you for a ride to the airport then it's
super uncomfortable. How do you say no to that? It's always
like, "Um, uh." You thought you'd think of any excuse
possible. You're like, "You know, I work nights." "Oh, it's
a daytime thing? Uh, I guess we're going to the airport!"
There's just no way around it. So I didn't know if I
should say yes or no to [bleep] [bleep]. So, here's what I
thought. I thought that I'll look back to when I liked her
the most and if I would do it for that person, then I would
still help her. I'll tell everybody to fucking vote for
her in this online contest. And so when I liked [bleep] the
most, when I liked her the most was the ninth grade. She was the
hottest girl in my ninth grade class. Like by far the hottest
one. She always wore a miniskirt which, to an all Jewish school
meant she wore it like right on the line. That was as low as you
were allowed to go. Most girls wore it sock or below. Not this
slut, uh uh. Rockin' some knee at thirteen. She was so fucking
hot, man. That was as high as you were allowed, too.
We had this rule where if a Rabbi, if a Rabbi saw a girl in
a miniskirt, he would just yell out the word "knees". He would
just go, "Knees!" And she would have to get on her knees in
front of the Rabbi. [crowd laughs] It's not sexual, you
guys. It's not a Catholic school, it's a Jewish school.
Relax. What, "oh?" Who's still Catholic, by the way? Enough.
What else are you waiting for? Like what other sign do you need
to not be Catholic anymore? I'm not saying don't be Christian,
you can keep being Christian, but just join another Jesus
club. There's like thirty different Jesus clubs, right?
They're all pretty much the same shit. Love Jesus and hate the
Jews. Is that pretty much? Except one of the clubs loves to
rape children. Don't be a part of that club anymore. And if
you're like, "Oh, are you just hearing about this right now? Am
I just breaking the news to you?" Yeah, its been going on
for a while. "For like months?" Even longer than that. Like
1,500 years, continuous child rape. It's totally trending. Be
Protestant, be Methodist, whatever. Be Mor-. Don't be
Mormon, obviously not. But like, be one of the other ones.
My friend, Steve, he's a Catholic and I tell him this
all the time Iím like, "Dude, you gotta.." And he goes, "Ari,
I get what you're saying. I understand what you're saying.
You have to understand, tradition is really important to
me and my grandfather was raped here and I want one day for
my.." Alright. Anyway, it was nothing sexual. Our rule
was if they were on the ground and the skirt didn't touch the
ground it was considered immodest. It was a half day
suspension. See the difference there? See the two religions? On
one hand, you have a half day suspension, nobody wants that.
Okay, so anyway. So [bleep] [bleep], she would sit
in the front of our class with her skirt on and she would let
it ride up to around there. And I would just sit in the back
just staring at her with a boner in my chin and these weird
feelings I didn't understand. Just like I liked her, man. She
was hot. I liked her. So we had this math class taught
by this guy named Mr. Sager and Mr. Sager was that one teacher.
You know that one teacher that everybody has that nobody
respected? You know, everybody just knew, first day of class
everybody just knew. You just looked at each other, all the
kids, and nonverbally they were just like. With their minds
they'd be like, we're going to fuck with him until he quits
right? I mean, it's obvious. Mr. Sager, the only
thing he ever did wrong, he had a deep voice and a little bit of
a lisp. That was it. He'd be like, "The x-axis meets the
y-axis." And we were like, "Oh yeah, you're fucked. How dare
you try to teach children?" So one day, Mr. Sager, he was
turned around, he was writing on the chalkboard, like this. And I
figured out, that if you take a rubber band, if you tie it
around your fingers, if you then take a half a paperclip, if you
hook it on the rubber band and pull back, you've got a weapon,
you've got a gun. It's as close as the Jews got to gang
violence. Like this is it. And I was pointing it at Mr. Sager. I
was never going to do anything; I was just pointing it at him
trying to get [bleep [bleep] attention. You know, like, "Aha,
woohoo, look at me! Class clown. I'm not learning and just being
a badass." But then as I was doing it, my fingers, they
started getting real sweaty. So it was like getting hard to hold
onto the paperclip and I was point it right at Mr. Sager.
Like, "Uh oh, this is bad." And I didn't know what to do and if
I knew anything at all about tensile strength I would have
realized like, oh, I could just, I could just do that and itís
not a problem at all anymore. Completely negated, just like
that, it's over. But that was the lesson I was missing on the
chalkboard right then so I was like, "I don't know how to
handle this situation and math is stupid, by the way." And so I
thought maybe, "Do you go away from the target? Does that make
sense?" Yeah." As soon as I was like, "Nope, thatís wrong." And
I couldn't hold on anymore and the paperclip just shot out of
my fingers and went right at Mr. Sager, no arch at all, like a
straight line through the air. It made that noise. You
know, like, "[inaudible]." Like it made that. And it hit him, it
hit him right in the back of the head right where the ear meets
the head. It hit him right here and it drew a little beat of
blood. Yeah, sick shot, right? We're talking back of the
classroom trying not to let go. Never miss a target.
So, Mr. Sager, he goes, "Ow, who did that?" And he starts to turn
around and he looks at the class. And you know the rule;
you know the code of conduct in high school. Nobody ever rats on
anybody, so nobody's going to say a word; nobody's going to
talk about it. But then, Mr. Sager, he starts upping it, he
starts going, "If nobody tells me who did that, nobody is
leaving this class. You'll all be late for your next class."
And all these little Jew-lick kids, they start thinking, I can
see them murmuring to each other like, theyíre like, "Wait, if I
get a tardy on my record, am I not getting into Harvard
Business School?" They start wondering, "I don't know Ari
that well. Do you know him? I'm not even friends with him. I
never played football with him. Why would I even suffer for
him?" And then [bleep] [bleep], this kike heed. I think
my favorite line in all of comedy. She raised her hand up
and she goes, "Ari did it." And I'm like, "Motherfucker." And I
got sent to the principal's office, I got suspended for five
days. [inaudible] No, I should have been, dude. You can't shoot
a teacher in the face and get away with that, gotta set a
precedent down. It was the worst trouble I've ever gotten in
though. My parents thought I was a bad kid after that. They made
me see a therapist for like two years. The whole time I was like
"My fingers got sweaty, that's all that happened."
Anyway, twenty-two years later, I got a Facebook from [bleep]
[bleep] saying, "Can you help me win a trip to the Superbowl?"
And I just wrote back, "Why donít you ask Mr. Sager for
help?" It felt so good.