-You know, it's mid-September
and that means --
[ Chuckle ] You okay, Tariq?
You look bothered.
-I'm good.
[ Laughter ]
-You sure?
You don't seem good.
-No, I, uh, I just got some things on my mind.
Stuff that I'm probably gonna put on my Irk List.
[ Light laughter ]
-What's an Irk List?
-You know.
It's the list that I keep of things that annoy me.
Random stuff.
You know what? I'll just show you.
It's time for "Tariq's Irk List"!
♪ Tariq's Irk List ♪
♪ They're the things that irk ♪
♪ Tariq ♪
-Yeah, man, I'm beginning to show some telltale signs
of aging, I guess, because I find myself needing to use more
of the elderly accoutrements, you know?
Reading glasses... [ Laughter ]
-...back scratcher,
shoehorn,
banisters. -Banisters.
-And that irks me, man, so I put it on my Irk List.
-Oh, I gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I guess walking around with it, first and foremost,
is kind of an indication that something ain't right.
Because I find myself wanting to issue these irk tickets
I guess, like citations. [ Laughter ]
-You're gonna give out irk tickets
-Yeah, yeah, you know. -to things that irk you?
-I guess I'm like the nonwhite privileged
Black male version of a Karen.
[ Laughter ] I'm like a Blaren, Jimmy.
-Blaren. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Like... -Blaren.
-...it irks me how texting is changing the way we communicate.
I feel like it undermines the usage of proper English grammar
and I hate that I'm stuck in this like,
this text abbreviation matrix.
-I agree. -A friend of mine texted me the other day...
And I hate that I knew that that meant
"I don't mess with people who mess with people I don't mess with."
-Wow!
[ Laughter ] [ Miming explosions ]
-Like I wanted to issue myself an irk ticket
just for understanding it. [ Laughter ]
So, I send "smh," which translates to this guy...
-Uh-huh.
-You know what I'm saying? And then, you know, my friend,
he hits me back, "lol Hey, man, I get it.
nbd
There's a new normal
and we're all apart of it."
And then my blood started boiling because
it really irks me when someone means to say "a part"
but then they write "apart," instead.
-Wait, wait, I'm sorry. So, a part of it, like what?
-Yeah, like, "apart," like, you know what I'm saying?
If you intend to text me "a part," two words,
but, you know, I mean, you write "apart,"
like, you know what I'm saying? Like, separate.
Like apart. -Yes.
Doesn't mean together. It means apart.
-It irks me! -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -It irks me.
So, I was this close
to texting him back, "ilmf,"
to say, "Irk List, mother[bleep]."
[ Laughter ] -Alright, alright, hold on.
-But I didn't. I didn't.
-I wanna know what is happening.
[ Laughter ] You know.
-What we can do here.
Well, did you at least have a nice weekend or did it...?
-Well, Michelle, she was really exited for us
to go to her friend's house
to do this socially distant birthday brunch thing.
And I'm glad it's socially distant
because her friend's husband has breath that irks me.
[ Laughter ] -Okay. His breath irks you?
-Yeah, yeah. I mean, pretty much.
I mean, you'd think that,
with such a violently oppressive
wave of toxicity emitting from one's face at all times,
that they'd have some idea
of the carnage being left in their wake, but,
[ Laughter ] nope, not this guy.
He's clueless.
So I go, between the distance and his mask, and then my mask,
and then this guy, this shield right here,
I mean, there's at least like a few different layers
of defense, so, I should be safe, I guess, but then...
-Yeah, good idea.
-...what if he faints? -What?
-Because doesn't he make himself woozy?
[ Laughter ]
Because he's breathing all that in.
I mean, at this point,
people are probably thinking he has vertigo.
[ Laughter ]
So I say, you know, "It's dangerous.
I mean, how many people are coming, 20?
Do they even have that kind of space outside?"
And then, she's all, "No, it's inside,
but there's only two couples allowed per room.
Come on, it'll be painless.
We haven't gone anywhere since March."
So I said, "Alright, cool."
And then, she says, "Oh, and by the way,
they're a shoes-off household."
-Oh, no, no, no. [ Laughter ]
-I mean, I'm fine if like one thing leads to another
and people's shoes just come off.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Mouths "What?" ]
-But I hate if it's mandatory.
Which is a little crazy because
I don't allow shoes in my own home.
But, see, I offer the alternative
of some nice, chic, decorative booties that cover the shoe.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, God.
-You offer that? -Yeah, I offer that at home.
You come over, I give you options.
This couple does not.
So, naturally I'm thinkin', "What socks am I gonna wear?"
-Yeah. -Because, I mean, in my mind,
it's gonna be this big sock reveal upon arrival.
[ Laughter ] But I digress.
-Please digress.
-So I go, "I gotta get some new socks."
I mean, the one solid option I have
is my go-to Paul Smith midrise black,
but with the playful, colorful stripe
-Yeah. -pair, and that covers
all the bases, but it has a huge hole in it.
And you can't do go to someone's house,
especially for a sock event, wearing holey socks.
[ Laughter ] -Sock event. -It's offensive. It's offensive!
Now, it's too late to do like
an Amazon Prime thing or anything.
And, then, with COVey,
I'm not going into like a mall or anything.
[ Laughter ]
So I gotta do a curby someplace to grab some socks!
-Alright, wait, a curby?
-Yeah, Jimmy, a curbside pickup!
-Curby. -So I ask, "What's being served?
I mean, is it like a casual,
waffles and eggs sort of get-together
or more of a, you know, roast chicken and nice salmon,
you know what I mean? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-You know, like sort of event and she says, "It's the latter,"
which immediately irks me even more
because I remember the last time we saw this family.
They brought food to our house for a barbecue
and it was a mostly melon fruit salad,
which is an irk ticket, no question!
[ Laughter ] -[ Claps ]
-I mean, who likes honeydew or cantaloupe, right?
It's more like can't-uh-nope
[ Laughter ] and honey-don't! Right?!
But to show up with the Melony Griffith
is just -- it's inconsiderate!
[ Laughter ]
-Melanie Griffith? -Yeah, melony-ass fruit salad,
Jimmy. Come on, stay with me, here.
So, look, at that point, you'd be better off
just bringing paper plates.
So, so, anyway, I mean,
I find the perfect pair of socks available for the curby.
So, I'm grabbing them on the way
and I'm literally gonna keep it moving.
I stop at the store. Some kid tosses the socks
into the back seat and, when I pull over
to pull them apart,
they're sewn together. -I know that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So I ask Michelle, "Hey, look into my bag
and get a pair of scissors."
She's going through my bag.
There's the shoehorn, there's the back scratcher,
my reading glasses, hand sanitizer,
extra masks, rubber gloves,
hazmat suit, lip balm,
hot sauce, glue gun,
[ Laughter ] ear and nose hair trimmer.
Everything but the scissors! -Mm!
-So, I just did a Hail Mary
and I tried to just tear 'em apart.
I'm saying, you know, I tried to catch 'em off-guard
with just like a sudden tug on the thread,
like pulling a loose tooth,
and it was a fail, Jimmy.
They tore! So I wound up having to wear
my brand-new socks -Okay.
-with the huge, brand-new hole in 'em, anyway.
So brunch, it was basically an irksville this weekend.
But, I'm trying to stay glass half full, man.
Other than that, I'm awesome.
-[ Slaps desk ]
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah!
-"But I digress."
Tariq Trotter, everybody!
"Irk List"! [ Slaps desk ]