- Aspie Shutdown and Withdrawal.
Welcome back to Asperger's From the Inside.
Today, we're looking at ways
to deal with sudden emotional withdrawal in relationships.
So in this video, we're gonna go through three things.
Firstly, what's going on when you're Aspie
suddenly shuts down or withdraws emotionally?
Secondly, what not to do when this happens.
Unfortunately, common, neuro-typical responses
usually make the situation significantly worse.
So we'll learn how to avoid those.
Finally, some tips on how to actually
reconnect in a positive way.
So make sure you stick around until the end,
where I'll tell you about a free resource
you can download today that I've created
to guide you through the process.
If you're new to the channel,
my name's Paul and I discovered
I was on the spectrum at the age of 30.
I make weekly videos showing the human side of autism
and occasionally sharing my expertise
in emotional intelligence and relationship coaching.
So, you know what to do.
If you'd like to hear more about that, please hit subscribe.
Okay, so, dealing with sudden emotional withdrawal
is probably the number one issue
that comes up the most in my relationship coaching work.
Something along the lines of,
I've met this amazing guy.
He's probably on the spectrum.
We have an amazing connection,
but sometimes he just goes quiet,
and I have no idea what's going on.
What happened? Why isn't he responding?
Does he even still like me?
Do we even have a relationship? What's going on, right?
It's really frustrating.
So, from the Aspie perspective,
we just want someone who can understand us.
Someone who doesn't constantly get frustrated
when we do unexpected things.
Our behavior actually makes perfect sense
if you know what we're going through, right?
We do our best.
We try really hard, and yet still,
relationships often break down anyway.
You may have seen my video earlier this month,
called "An Endless Chain of Broken Relationships",
which is unfortunately a really common story.
But the good news is that you have the power to change that.
If you have an Aspie partner
or even a friend or family member on the spectrum,
you have the power to help break that cycle of rejection.
Okay, so firstly, what's going on
when your Aspie suddenly withdraws?
One thing it helps to understand
about high- functioning or high-masking autistics
is that we often spend a huge amount of energy
trying to keep up that facade.
We make it look easy, but it's not easy.
It can take a huge amount of effort.
It's a little bit like a duck paddling furiously
under the water, yet seeming calm and serene on top,
gliding effortlessly through the water, or so it would seem.
This means that when we run out of energy,
we need to stop and recharge.
And this can come as a massive shock to those around us
if you're not expecting it.
It looks like a sudden emotional withdrawal.
All of a sudden, I'm not texting back.
I'm not returning your calls.
I'm too tired or busy to see you in person.
When you see this type of behavior,
think overload, think needs to recharge.
Sometimes there's just too much life to deal with,
and we don't cope very well.
Things that used to be easy and doable
suddenly become impossible, because we literally
just don't have the resources anymore.
So, what not to do?
Unfortunately, the most common, neuro-typical response
to this situation is to ask what's wrong.
To increase communication,
to reach out more, to try harder to be there and connect.
If someone is overloaded,
we need to leave them alone for a little bit.
Persisting creates extra stress.
So don't push them for an answer.
Don't ask, why are you not responding?
Don't tell them how upset you are
or how frustrating it is not to hear back.
Although we know it is frustrating not to hear back,
it doesn't help to actually communicate that at this time.
Unfortunately, because we are prone to rejection,
if you say things like that,
we'll likely think or hear that you're not happy with us,
and we might even think that the relationship
is ending already, right?
I'm not a good fit for you. I can't meet your needs, right?
Does that sound familiar?
Another common response is to just do nothing.
He hasn't responded to a couple of messages,
so I'll just stop.
He's clearly overloaded.
I'll just sit back and hope and wait
that he might come back one day.
Well, that sounds like torture.
Doesn't it? You have no idea what's going on.
Plus, how does your Aspie know that you're still there
if you don't reach out?
Okay. So what do we do instead?
The trick is to send an open invitation with no expectation.
We need a way to simultaneously
reach out and offer the opportunity to reconnect
without adding any additional pressure.
So what's an example of an open invitation
with no expectation?
It could sound something like,
hi, how's it going?
I'm doing this thing on the weekend,
and I was wondering if you'd like to join me.
I know you've got a lot going on right now,
but I thought I'd check in and invite you anyway,
just in case.
No pressure either way. Take care.
I'll hear from you or I don't hear from you.
It communicates clearly that whether I receive a response
or not, I'm still gonna be okay.
It communicates, I'm here. I care about you.
I'm not asking anything from you.
I'm not about to tell you off for disappearing.
I mean, imagine coming back and hearing, where were you?
Why didn't you return my calls? What were you doing?
I was so upset. That's not a nice thing to come back to.
So, instead, it allows the opportunity to reconnect.
It's an invitation that he can accept,
knowing that he'll get a positive response
if and when he does accept the invitation.
Anyway, that will do for today.
If you'd like more help or information on this topic,
I've created a free downloadable resource called,
"What to do When He Won't Text Back,
A Step-by-Step Guide
to Reconnecting with Your Aspie Partner".
So, follow the link in the description
to download your copy of that today.
And also if that's not enough,
there's also an optional checkbox
where you can sign up to a free email series
packed with insights and tips
from my relationship coaching work.
So thanks for watching.
I hope you've learned something valuable today
that you can apply to your relationship.
Don't forget to download your free guide,
and remember that you have the power
to understand your Aspie
and help break that cycle of rejection.
Creating a strong and lasting relationship is possible.
Not easy, but possible. So, good luck.
Hang in there. And I'll see you next time; bye.