- Hoo, I am kind of nervous to see Clark.
- Why? Do you have a crush on him?
- (shushes) Can you keep a secret?
- Girl, your secret is safe with me,
like people at work tell me secrets all the time.
- Then okay, yes, I have a crush on him,
but don't tell him, okay?
I'm hoping he'll ask me out
if I make a good impression tonight.
- Tiffany, she told me she wants to dump Jason
and Brian told me he has massive credit card debt
because he's addicted to buying luxury underwear.
I haven't told anybody.
- You just told me.
- True, but you're not gonna tell anyone
so it's like I told nobody.
- I really need you to keep this crush a secret.
- Why, hello, ladies.
- Hi. - Hi Clark.
- Okay.
- Please step on into my domicile
and I will get some beverages poured
so we may imbibe shortly.
- Do you have COVID?
- Ah, no, I just think it's allergies.
But keep the crush a secret, okay?
- Mm, mm.
- Thanks for coming over, ladies.
- Well, thanks for inviting us, Clark.
- Yeah, Sam was really excited
when she heard you were inviting us over.
She was like, "Oh my gosh, Clark, he's such a cool guy.
It'll be great to hang out with him
and be in his personal space."
- Jess was also very excited.
We were both excited because it's no secret
that it's fun to hang out with friends.
- Right.
- And wow, Clark, you smell great.
- Oh, thank you, it's a new cologne,
eau de popo, it's unisex.
- Don't you love it, Sam?
Doesn't it make Clark just seem extra delicious?
(Sam laughs)
(doorbell rings) That's the pizza guy, BRB.
- Are you crazy? - Huh?
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean, what am I doing?
- You're gonna blow the secret, dude.
- No, I'm not.
- Tone it down.
Do not say anything about how I like him.
- Girl, your secret is safe.
What's all this sneezing about?
- You know, most people just say bless you.
- Are you allergic to Clark?
- I don't know, it might be that cologne he's wearing.
- If you're sneezing, that's gonna make it really awkward
to make out with him.
- Just drop it, okay?
- I'm just saying.
- So Clark, what have you been up to this weekend?
- I went for a hike.
- Oh, you like hiking?
- I love it.
- Sam also loves hiking, this is crazy.
I'm just putting it out there,
you guys have so much in common.
- I mean, Jess, that was only one thing.
- I know what you guys should do.
You should go on a hike together and then you--
- And maybe, Jess, you should shut your trap.
(Sam chuckles)
- Bless you. - Thank you.
Allergies.
- So, hey, I brewed some homemade beer.
Do you guys wanna try?
- Yes, alcohol, that's what we need right now.
That would be great.
- Sam loves beer, Clark.
She just loves it, loves it, loves it.
- Right.
- What the heck, dude?
- I don't know if you realize this
but you're being a little bit rude to me.
- You need to cut this crap out completely, all right?
No more stuff about me liking him.
No more stuff about what we have in common.
Nothing about how we should go out sometime, okay?
- I gotcha, message received.
- It's definitely the cologne,
like it's just something about it.
It's making me feel dizzy.
- Okay, here is the Clark-brewed beer in mason jars
because that's cool.
- Oh, yes.
- Now, it's an IPA, that means it's an India pale ale.
It's pretty bitter so I hope you like
a brew with a bit of a bite.
- Wow, thanks, I can't wait to try it.
- But don't get your hopes up, Clark.
Sam hates IPAs.
- Oh, you hate IPAs?
- No, no, no, no.
I mean, well, this, this is great.
- She's probably just pretending to like this to be polite.
- Gesundheit.
- Oh, and that's another thing, Clark.
Sam says you smell terrible.
- I never said that.
- Now, personally, I love your cologne
but Sam says she hates it so much that it makes her dizzy.
- You said it makes you dizzy?
- I did say the dizzy part, yes.
- Your very presence makes Sam nauseated
and she's barely holding it together right now.
- Wow, I am feeling really unwelcome right now
even though this is my own house.
This is like a repeat of my eighth birthday.
- I have a crush on you, okay, Clark?
I was trying to play cool,
but then it led to all this awkwardness
and this is a total disaster
and I'm really sorry for all of that.
But, do you wanna go out with me sometime?
- Oh, well, um, I'm really flattered,
but I have a girlfriend.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- I had no idea. - Yeah, well.
- Who is it, do I know her?
- It's me, Clark and I are dating.
- Um.
- What? Why wouldn't you have told me that earlier
before I came in here and humiliated myself?
- Because Clark could tell that you had a crush on him
and he didn't wanna hurt your feelings
so we decided to keep our relationship status a secret.
- Yeah, and you just gave it away, Jess.
- Oops.
- Wow, you really can't keep a secret, can you?
- Yes, I can, like I never told her
about how you pooped your pants last week.
Oh.
(Jess chuckles)
- Clark, you got anything stronger than this?
(gentle jazz music)