- [Announcer] Tonight, the roast master general, Jeff Ross,
finally comes off the judges bench and into the arena to
make his battling debut.
Roast master, what's your strategy tonight?
(audience laughs)
He's going against this guy.
NBA all star, Blake Griffin.
Blake, you ready for this tonight? It's going to get ugly.
- Wait, it can actually get uglier than Jeff?
(audience laughs and cheers)
- Roast battle, starts now.
(hip hop beat)
- I've been preparing to do my first roast battle
and I've been watching these battles for years,
and I've got to admit, I have a new respect
for the battlers.
The crap is psychological, challenges in your head,
of when to hit, when to take the joke and when to attack.
It's a lot to think about.
- I don't have a lot of comedy experience,
I just enjoy comedy. I watch comedy.
I love standup, comedy movies, TV shows.
I'd watch the comedy central roast for a long time.
- Blake's a champion,
he's a championship level basketball player
and guys like him have been talking smack,
taking jokes since he's a kid.
So I do think he's kind of a smack talk expert.
- All the trash talk you do in the NBA is just kinda of
like, one on one, no one else is really listening,
so this is a little different when you're onstage in front
of a crowd. Mic'd up for a tv show.
- Getting judged by my pals is going to be tough
but it's another thing that battlers have to go through
all the time.
We're big roast battle family.
So even though I'm rising to the challenge of doing my first
roast battle,
I still feel very much at home.
Like this is my home court.
- I feel like I'm the underdog in this situation,
I don't know.
I don't really see it as much pressure but the pressures
is on me. I'm ready.
(whish sound)
(audience chants) Battle.
- [Announcer] Whose ready for the main event?
(audience cheers)
Our challenger is no stranger to slams.
He was an NBA rookie of the year, slam dunk champion,
and a five time NBA all star.
Los Angeles, please welcome back, for one night only,
he's tall and ready to ball, Big Blake Griffin.
(audience cheers)
(intense music beat)
And his opponent, from New York, New Jersey,
weighing in at way more than he should,
he's roasting everyone from criminals,
to the president of the United States,
which is actually the same thing.
Please welcome from brick city,
the ball buster, our roast master general, Jeffery Ross.
(audience cheers and claps)
(soft music)
(beat and cheers intensify)
- [Audience] (chants) Battle.
- [Announcer] Oh they're ready baby.
Blake, it's home court advantage, why'd you challenge Jeff?
- Honestly man, when it comes to this, whether it's
basketball or something like this,
I always want to go against the best.
So I asked like ten people and none of them could do it,
so here we are.
(audience cheers)
- Jeff, why'd you accept Blake's challenge?
- Because I am the Lebron of roasting.
(audience cheers)
Which is still better than being the Blake Griffin
of basketball.
(audience groans and cheers)
- Alright. Jeff, you know the rules because
you invented them.
But for Blake's sake and for Pete's sake,
here are the rules of roast battle.
Rule one, original material only.
Rule two, no physical contact
and Blake, I am the ref.
No bitching, no moaning, no complaining.
(audience cheers and laughs)
And after every battle,
we hug.
Jeff, Blake, who wants to go first?
- I would love to go first.
(audience cheers)
- Okay. Blake Griffin, Peter Griffin, let's roll.
(bell dings)
- Just real quick, before we get started.
Honestly, I have some unfortunate news
to share with you guys.
After working for 24 hours straight,
Jeff's makeup girl just hung herself in the back.
(audience gasps and laughs)
Yes you're ugly is what I--
(audience cheers)
- Blake I'm just glad to see you healthy
and ready for the season.
Everybody talks about your busted knees,
no one talks about that busted face.
(audience laughs)
You look like Morgan Freeman bleached.
(audience laughs and cheers)
(audience cheers)
- That was a good shot. A good shot.
Honestly, I feel like you could get hurt,
but the only way you can get inside of a gym
is if you literally ****ed a guy named Jim.
(audience cheering)
(audience cheering and screaming)
(whistle sound)
- No, listen guys. Listen.
It's a roast battle, so Jeff's going to take a couple
on the chin tonight,
but Jeff,
I'm honestly--I'm a gracious guy,
so I'm going to let you decide which one of your chins
you take it on.
(audience cheers)
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
chins in my bank account.
Chins in my bank account, chins--
(audience joins in and cheers)
- Blake, good luck in Detroit. (laughs)
That's the whole joke.
(audience laughs)
No no no, hold on.
Good luck in Detroit Blake, you know what,
I think you're just white enough
not to get shot by the cops.
(audience moans)
But be careful because you're now the worst shooter
in the most violent city in america.
(audience groans and cheers)
Blake lives matter. Blake lives matter. Blake lives matter.
(baseball themed music)
- That's good man. And make sure the joke is really good
considering you look like the only Neo Nazi Jewish person.
(Jeff laughs)
(audience cheers)
Jeff, you're so ugly, today I realized for the first time,
that Jeff Ross looks like Darth Vader
after they took his helmet off.
(audience cheers)
(lion roaring)
- Blake your half Haitian,
so it's no wonder all your teams have been a disaster
with no leadership, begging for help.
(audience groans)
Yeah. What do you got, you ****ing space jam alien.
(audience laughs)
(cartoon kick sound)
- Jeff, it's really funny that you bring that up.
You're such a bald piece of shit.
(audience laughs)
It honestly looks like we both got ****ed over
by the clippers.
(audience cheers and laughs)
- Blake, I do hope someday you come back to California
to pursue your show business dreams,
because you never know when Hollywood's
going to be looking for a leading man
that looks like
Patrick Ewing ****ed
a Chucky doll.
(audience groans)
You look like Pippi extra long stocking.
(audience cheers)
- That's better. That's better. That's better.
- You look like--
[Blake] Oh, we're still going
- An albino that God cooked too long.
(audience cheers)
- That's good. That's good.
- [Announcer] Last joke.
- Jeff, you know, when people talk about the best basketball
player of all time,
they refer to them as the goat.
And when people talk about the best roast master of all
time, they refer to him as Anthony Jeselnik.
(audience cheers loudly)
- Alright buddy, you want to get personal,
I'll get personal.
Blake, everyone knows you recently dated Kendall Jenner.
(audience groans)
But what they don't know is,
I heard she broke up with you because she caught you staring
at her dad's tits.
(audience groans and cheers)
And just like the clippers,
Kendall eventually traded you for another basketball player.
Man.
(audience cheers)
Man, dude, the season hasn't even started yet
and your ex is already leading you in rebounds.
(audience groan and cheers)
- Wait, no take a lap.
I'm not going to lie, that's really really really funny.
But like real quick, let's just talk about,
real quick,
about the last girl that Jeff Ross ****ed.
(audience groans and cheers)
The last girl that Jeff Ross ****ed, let's see.
Okay so,
so, if Jeff is 89 years old.
Wait, no, for real guys, let me just think for a second.
The last girl that Jeff Ross ****ed.
Guys, can I get a second. Stop, this isn't a joke.
(audience cheers)
We're thinking about the last girl that Jeff Ross ****ed.
(audience cheers)
Have you ever ****ed anyone?
Ever?
- Blake--
- Wait.
The last girl that Jeff Ross ****ed.
(audience cheering loudly)
- That's all I got.
(audience cheers)
(bell dings)
- Oh my god. Sound the buzzer, this was over.
- You killed me. That hurt.
- No.
- I have had sex, you know that.
- (laughs) I don't. I just don't know that, for sure.
- I don't know who wins, but I want a rematch.
- We go toe to toe and we come back and do it again.
It's a heavy weight fight.
- We just saw love city and slob city go one on one.
Judges, I get to pick who goes first here.
Anthony, who scored?
- This is so tough, Jeff.
I always describe you as my brother from another mother,
but Blake, you came out here as an amateur,
an amateur roaster,
and you gave it the respect it deserved.
I like how you pointed out that I'm the best roaster
of all time.
(audience claps)
A lot of people don't get that right,
so I appreciate that you did.
And you had some great jokes.
My only concern, I hope your hands are okay because you
knocked him out
like he was a trainer on your own team. And that was--
(audience cheers)
It was amazing.
I vote for Blake, sorry Jeff.
Don't take it personally, but it is very personal.
(audience cheers)
- [Announcer] Blake Griffin, one vote.
Jeff Ross, no votes. Nikki Glazer. Who do you like?
- I thought this was going to be so easy.
You know, like it's Jeff ****ing Ross.
It's Jeff Ross, the greatest at this.
And Blake Griffin,
I cannot believe how hot you are. But also--
(audience cheers)
- Yes
- That was distracting
- We didn't know you could be funny.
We've only seen you in your Kia commercials.
So we didn't know.
(everyone laughs)
- Blake, you came out with such a dark joke
about Jeff's make up girl hanging herself,
which I just loved.
- [Blake] Thank you. Thank you.
And then ****ed a guy named Jim.
And then the last joke, I loved what you did.
You turned the style on it's head, you definitely tried some
different stuff.
You sat on the ground and you let that last joke just sit
and ****ing sit and sit and sit.
But I was so impressed.
This should be so much easier than it is, but then Jeff.
- It's just Nikki, Nikki makes it hard.
- I know.
(audience cheers)
- Jeff, I loved that you're dressed like JFK jr
at his dad's funeral
(audience yells)
(gun shot)
It's adorable.
(audience whistle)
Jeff, you brought it the whole time and then when you got
into the Kendall stuff,
with the dads tits.
I mean, that was just another level.
Jeff Ross, you ****ing won this. You won Jeff.
It was close though. It was hard.
- One for Blake Griffin,
one for Jeff Ross.
Pete Davidson. You're a thinkly ambiguous,
just like Blake Griffin.
- Thanks.
- You going for the home team or big homie Jeff Ross.
- I thought Blake did a ****ing fantastic job.
It's annoying how
talented you are.
I've always said this to my friends.
I hope we can be friends too.
No, you're sick. I'm a big fan.
But that last joke lasted longer than any of your seasons
and I was like--
(audience cheering)
That shit like that was long as ****,
but you did as good as you could ever do.
I wouldn't be able to do that good.
Also Anthony Jeselnik is the best roast joke guy
of all time.
Him and Geraldo.
So that was true.
But Jeff, you look like Jack Black in school of crack rock.
(audience cheers)
♪ Lawrence is good at piano. ♪
(audience laughs)
Sorry, I'm on mushrooms.
Anyway, Jeff, seriously, you had me ****ing dying,
also when you shot it and it went in
and I've never been happier for a person.
I wanted that ball to go in so ****ing bad. I was like yeah.
You won. Jeff won.
He did. But like, Blake did as good as he possibly could
and lose.
(audience cheers)
- It was his show, it was his battle.
Jeff Ross wins.
(audience cheers loudly)
(music beat)
- I hope you stay in the roast game bro.
It's really fun having you man.
- I appreciate it. Thanks for having me.
It was a pleasure to be the first time to go
against the master so.
- Yeah, I love that.
Hey I've never seen a first time roast battler
do as well as Blake Griffin.
I am making Blake Griffin roast battle rookie of the year.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
(Roast battle outro)