This is an example of the size of clothes
that I would have to wear.
It's thick enough
that you can't really see the shape of my body.
So technically, this passes the modesty test.
It wouldn't pass the femininity test
because the idea was that while
you're not supposed to be alluring,
you're also not supposed to be masculine
because you can't fill the masculine role.
Home schooling in the caravan.
Nissi: Oh yes.
Rhesa: Learning how to read with mum.
Definitely not
your traditional learning environment.
just kind of crashed on the couch in the caravan.
So I've never been to school.
I was home schooled instead.
We were taught that as girls,
we should not expect to make decisions for ourselves.
Once we leave the control of our fathers,
then we would be under the control of our husbands.
I was told that it would be a waste of everyone's time
and resources for me to pursue any further education
because the expectation was that I would get married
and have as many kids
as possible and that I would be staying at home.
You don't need an education to breastfeed, so why bother?
On our 13th birthday, we would get given a purity ring
It was a sign to everyone else around you
that you were a virgin and
you were going to stay virgin until marriage.
And the whole concept of the purity ring negated
the concept of consent.
Like we never learned what consent was.
It was,
it's a no until the day that you get married.
And from that point on,
it's always a yes to that one person and no one else.
And it can never be a no again.
Rape almost wasn't a thing in some ways because
consent didn't matter.
I would not be allowed to leave the house
or even walk around the house in this.
Yeah, I can see your undy-line on your leggings.
Plus, the leggings are just too tight.
You need a skirt.
So we had a measurement where it would be
thumb on collarbone and then fingers down.
And if the top was below that, then it was too low.
Yup and you'd also have to like
bend down and touch your toes and then, like, check
if there's any cleavage visible.
Another test that we were supposed to do
is like,
bend down
and look between your legs in the mirror to check
how thin your pants are.
If you can see anything through them,
if you can kind of see the general
shape of your body, then it's not acceptable.
The men were the ones
in control who were calling the shots.
So if I, as a young woman,
were to express my feelings towards someone
or take any initiative to build a connection,
then that would be seen as me putting myself
in the driver's seat of my life,
which was pretty much the ultimate sin for a woman.
I did have nightmares about being forced to marry someone
that I didn't even like or feel attracted to.
My biggest fear was ending up in hell, which as a toddler
was described to me as a lake of fire.
So that was my motivating factor
for everything that I did in my life.
It felt really real at the time.
I felt that I had no control over my life.
I knew that I didn't want
the future that I was supposed to have.
So that in itself was a very dark thought.
I'm supposed to only follow one path, and that one path
is something that I can't tolerate.
Like, I know that I can't live through that.
I started wearing makeup.
I started wearing clothes that I enjoyed wearing,
even if they didn't
fit within the conservative modesty standards.
I stopped going to my parents church.
They were super disappointed about that.
I began working full time outside of home at age 17.
So I had my own money.
I got my own car and I owed it to myself.
To try to find a pathway that I could
actually live through.
The way that I feel now
is quite vulnerable
I was so invested in my family
and the relationship with my parents, and I wanted
them to be part of my future.
The decision to
kind of isolate myself
from most of my family
It was a scary thing to do.
Not everyone understands
the idea of like needing to cut off the relationship
with your parents.
The one thing I know is that I have so many choices now
and it's not easy, but it is empowering.
And I know that I can move forward
and I know that there's good things in my future
that I'm going to choose for myself.