When a news story falls through the cracks,
Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call
Back in Black.
(cheers and applause)
♪ ♪
Technology, it's everywhere, iPhones, tablets.
Here in New York City, we've even replaced
our old phone booths with giant screens.
And I'll admit, it's a lot harder to take a dump in them.
But I usually figure it out.
The point is, no matter where you look,
there's a screen.
And I think it's great.
You know, when I was a kid, all we had to stare at
was that thing on my Uncle Harry's neck.
It was mesmerizing.
But, surprise, surprise.
The thing we like most is as bad for kids
as a weekend at Jeffrey Epstein's.
TV REPORTER: An alarming report that every parent should see.
How much screen time, doctors say, is too much.
There's a new danger that doctors are concerned about now.
All that screen time is prematurely aging their eyes
and the damage could be permanent.
NEWSMAN: A group of doctors say kids use so much tech
that they cannot hold a pen or pencil because they lack
the hand strength and dexterity.
NEWSWOMAN: One doctor arguing that all screen time
can even turn kids into psychotic junkies.
Psychotic junkies?!
Come on, kids are psychotic junkies
with or without phones.
Haven't you ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese?
Bring out a pepperoni pie
and see who doesn't get the shakes.
If kids are just becoming crazy now,
then why did I get a vasectomy 30 years ago?
But, apparently, kids having too much screen time
is a bad thing, so some parents
are forcing their children to take a vow of abstinence.
Thousands of parents are taking a pledge
to wait to give their child a smartphone.
NEWSMAN: More than 20,000 people
have signed the Wait Until 8th pledge,
committing to wait until the eighth grade
to give their child a smartphone.
I saw these kids flooding out at the end of the school day,
and all of their heads were down,
and they were completely oblivious
to the world around them.
That's right, kids.
Get off your phone
and look at the world around you.
You're missing all the hate crimes, pollution
and sweet, sweet death by vaping.
Wait till eighth grade to use a phone?
Good luck with that.
If you don't introduce these kids to technology immediately,
they might as well be Amish.
-If I had a kid... -(laughter)
If I had a kid, he wouldn't be out back milking a cow.
He'd be shackled in his room
beta testing his new blockchain IPO.
I don't know what the (bleep) I just said, but who cares?
I'm gonna be rich!
-(laughs) -(applause)
Still, I get why regular parents limit screen time.
But what really pisses me off
is that the parents most worried about the screens
are the ones who gave us those screens in the first place.
You might think Silicon Valley movers and shakers
are consumed by the technology they create,
but a growing number of parents in the tech industry
are restricting or banning screen time for their kids.
NEWSMAN: Take a look at what some of the people
who make those products want their kids to do with them.
This private Silicon Valley classroom
turned its back on tech.
NEWSWOMAN: More parents in Silicon Valley
are asking nannies to police their child's screen time.
In some cases, the addiction is so bad,
they're asked to hide the technology altogether
and sign a "no phone" contract.
Ho-Hold on a second!
So these screens are fine for our kids
but not for yours?
These silicon valley people
don't get to shield their families
from the problems they created.
In fact, every time they introduce
a new brain-zapping gizmo,
they should have to test it out on their own brats first.
"Hey, kids. Daddy made something that might cause cancer.
Could you stare at it for me?"
(laughter and applause)
These... these tech pushers need to stand by their own product.
That's why I love the Kool-Aid Man.
Not only is he Kool-Aid, he carries around
an extra jug of Kool-Aid
just in case he runs out of himself.
Now, that's what I call integrity.
But it's not realistic to expect Silicon Valley
to take responsibility for their actions.
That's why, as a public service,
I, Lewis Black, have developed an app
to help keep their kids off their phones.
It's super high-tech.
Take a look.
♪ ♪
Put your goddamn phone down!
(laughter)
(laughing): Wow,
there is a lot of porn on this phone.
-Trevor? -Lewis Black, everyone.