This is going to be awesome.
I know! Not only did I find a non-crazy guy on a dating site
But you're actually real as well!
Well, you should still--
Scan your entire Twitter history for problematic bullshit,
And then Google your name and quotes along with things like 'court date' and 'multiple wives' and 'triple homicide'?
Yep!
Way ahead of you. Zero hits by the way.
Ha, right on. So, I'll see you tonight. Really looking forward to it.
Me too.
I can't wait
Who is that?
Oh, you can switch out the meat in any of the burgers for vegetarian things. I love that about this city.
Sorry, I'm just pretending to find the menu super interesting instead of--
Instead of capitulating to awkward silence
Oh, I know. Wow, they list the calories of everything, hmm
Hmm
Wow, 750 Calories in a mushroom, who would have thought?
Yeah, it's all right. This is why the first line of my dating profile was like, 'Hi. I have terrible problems'
Just getting that one out in front.
Oh, did you ever read that Jon Ronson book about shame?
Yes! Oh my God!
It's like, yeah, just own it, people don't care what you did
They just want to be superior to someone so don't play into it.
Sorry I didn't mean to imply you have anything to be ashamed of though.
Oh, I do, dude
I was in a nerdcore band for like a year once
Literally rapping in a fake English accent because the entire point of it was three people were too afraid to be authentic
[cockney accent] I'm like mock when the chick goes on, I divided the squares and I'm octo-gone
Okay, that is hilarious
Tsh, no, it really isn't.
It's just one of those abandoned projects on the way to finding your voice.
[cockney accent] and this is not my voice
Well, whatever. This is already ten thousand times better than the last date I went on
Yeah? I just tend to assume I'm 100 times worse than everyone else.
It's kind of a depression-anxiety thing I guess? One word.
You're not getting one without the other, I don't know why there are two separate words now that I think about it, but I'm always thinking about it
Please interrupt me.
I totally get it. Like I've known people. I've had my moments,
It's just hard to conceptualize what it's like for someone who has it worse, but I want to try at least.
Thanks
Yeah
I don't know there needs to be some kind of catch-all term for the whole anxiety-doubt-fear-self-hatred-self-sabotage ball of wax
Yikes, 'ball of wax'. There's a hot new lingo of 1920 ones. Bloomers, am I right?
Um, anyway, yeah, when you're talking depression
It's just a whole thing of not feeling like there's a point to doing anything because they're so shitty or the world is so shitty
and you can't stop telling yourself that even though you know it's not true
It's not true like, it's not, but you just want to believe for whatever reason.
It's not true. All night you've been apologizing for like, standard things
I know! a blanket or a line where I apologize for apologizing you can at least somewhat
Take it as a compliment and that I'm so afraid of losing
And generally anxious around you and then I'll eventually let myself be comfortable around you in like three years.
I can wait, I mean, I can't wait. I mean, you know what I mean
Thanks
Hey, there, are whole countries like that. You know I read it in a guidebook about Denmark once
They're all like an old ketchup bottle at first nothing comes out, and then eventually all of it comes out all at once so yeah
Ketchup!
That's amazing. Yeah, that's kind of me for sure except no one's willing to keep shaking the bottle
I love metaphors actually. Like with depression, there are a lot of comic strips I could send you that, that one thing
where depression is like a broken hand that people keep telling you to just get over.
Yeah! I've seen that I think 'Oh, just man up', because that's the thing
Oh, I know I actually have my own metaphor for it though. It's like this thing where...
Did you ever watch that show the x-files?
Oh yeah back in the day for sure?
I actually didn't but yeah back in the olden times of actually using your TV back in 1920
I did that thing where you randomly watch a show you've never seen and then like two years later
You randomly decide to watch it again, and you change the channel, and it's the -
the exact same episode.
Yes! Oh my God, so yeah, I literally seen one episode twice
But it's the one where x-files and lady x-files are trapping this big fungus thing
And it makes them hallucinate and they can't tell if they're awake or dreaming and it keeps tricking them into thinking they've escaped
But they're still trapped. That's kind of the basis for my depression metaphor
It's the thing where you keep slipping into another reality, you don't notice and then it's too late
Oh, okay, so like you're telling yourself
You suck, even though you know you don't and even though you know
It's not your real voice saying that. Yeah, it's like. It's not like you're trapped in a fungus though
It's like you're sitting in your living room, and you're talking to someone about your problems
And they're just laying into you about how shady you are you might as well not even bother dating because they're just going to be
Wasting everyone's time, and you're kind of nodding along, and then you look up
And you realize you've been talking to like depression guy
You were just sitting there reading and this horrible dude snuck in your front door sat down and started saying shit to you and it
Took you like two days to notice and now it's too late and you'll be sad for weeks
weeks if you're lucky sad if you're lucky
Depression guy, I'm just picturing like the stereotypical mustache villain who ties people to train tracks
Yeah, exactly except he's dressed more suddenly like he belongs there.
His amouflage is all articulates too. He's like hipster mustache villain, the modern version, he blends in so you don't see it coming
But then he suddenly
Annihilates yourself estime before you could remember that it keeps happening.
That's... Kind of how I see it anyway
I swear to God I have to think of depression as this outside entity that tricks you onto forgetting reality because
Intellectually, I do know that I'm alright, that I'm good and kind to everyone that
The number one symptom of being a bad person is not worrying about how good of a person you are. There's just this total
asshole that keeps sneaking in and ruining your life and you're trapped.
And then suddenly, it's been a week since I left the house and the cycle continues.
Yeah, it's some X-files stuff for sure, right
Oh, What was your rapper name by the way?
God, "lady on a trump"
Ha, Right on, right on!
You see, Shametastic!
It does help me understand, though, actually the whole depression guy thing.
Does it?
Come upstairs
Innocently, not suggestively. [cockey English acent] I don't knock the normal very first date, .. [nonsense]
This would be I don't do nothing?
I don't do nothing
Does my psychotic metaphor actually make sense? Hi, I have bitchly lose touch with reality. Pretty good date, huh?
Yeah, for sure. It makes sense. I think this date was pretty great. If it rhymes it must be true.
Alright, thanks!
Like I said, when the server shows up and you both forgot to decide what the order that's like the best possible sign, right?
Yeah, I think maybe it was a good date actually.
Well in retrospect, it wasn't a perfect date.
You did kind of overshare a lot actually.
Oh God, I did deny
I'm sorry, I just, I don't know, I -
Sometimes people are just kind of politely humoring you. I know it seems like everything was fine at the restaurant
but if you really go over all the stuff he said
I was at least semi articulate though, wasn't I?
I really tried to explain the whole depression thing and not be all ashamed.
There are different kinds of depression too though, right?
Oh my God, yeah...
I just trying to kind of conceptualize my own situation
But yeah some people just have terrible chemical things that close it or they have issues maybe from childhood?
Well exactly. That's why metaphors are so juvenile. Whatever your good intentions people are going to assume you're speaking for everyone
Oh no...You're right
What's the difference between a mission and ignorance? People these days tend to search for easy answers
Convenient little blurbs that can explain huge complex issues, and you're just doing that
Yeah...
You should have put something like that in your dating profile. How you're really kind of self-absorbed and naive
How you're really immature and whoever date's you is going to have to put up with a lot and then you have to ask yourself:
If your dating profile requires so many disclaimers at the front of it
Then, there's probably not much point in having one...
Because you just be wasting somebody's time. Other people aren't like you.
They're more mature and centered and a lot happier
You can't just show up with all your issue and expect them to tolerate you.
Yeah... There's a certain level you have to get to before you're entitled to love and mutual support right?
I can imagine it though? I just went on a date that went pretty well... That was me, I can do it
I believe I can do it.
That was like a week ago
He actually texted half a dozen times before he gave up... There must be a new record
I told him about you, you know. He wasn't bothered
You assume you know how people will react
but you're never right you're just...
You assume they're telling you the truth though
Generally only the insults are people telling you how they really feel
I remember it though that was me. Just like
I can always imagine the worst when I'm tunned up right, I can at least picture the best when I'm severely depressed
Hey, it rythmes at least...
Barely
Well, I at least want to believe
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