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As the last notes of my violin fell upon the crowd,
the audience burst into applause.
I had just finished the best violin performance in my life today and
I was feeling awesome.
I ran off the stage, up to my mom, expecting praise, compliments, hugs.
Instead, I was greeted with an unenthused high five, and a, see Helen,
if you just apply yourself like this to other aspects of your life,
think about how awesome you could be. >> [LAUGH]
>> But that hurt,
because her opinion mattered a lot to me.
And I'm not sharing the story with you, to ask for your pity or because I enjoy
throwing my poor mom under the bus. >> [LAUGH]
>> But because I can trace a lot of
my inability to give or receive good compliments,
to my strict traditional Chinese heritage.
But you don't have to come from the same upbringing to maybe also struggle
with giving or receiving compliments.
And because I'm an ex-consultant, I'm going to have you guys take a look at
a chart. >> [LAUGH]
>> Take a look at this chart, and
take a moment and think about maybe where you fall on this chart.
I'm willing to bet, if I took a poll, most of you guys would say,
[SOUND] somewhere in the middle.
But I'm also willing to bet a lot of us actually unknowingly fall
into this bottom left-hand corner.
Somewhere between not being so great at giving compliments and
not being so great at receiving them.
And today, I'm here to not only get us up to that upper right-hand corner,
>> [LAUGH]
>> But to also drive home the importance
of being in that corner starting with giving compliments
Think about the last time you gave someone a compliment.
What did you say?
How specific or genuine do you think it was?
When was it?
I ask these questions because a lot of us, again,
don't realize how few good compliments we give.
And there's a lot of good reasons for that.
For example, thanks to the illusion of transparency, we believe that other
people know how we think, or know what we feel, and that's not true.
Other times, we're just trying to avoid being awkward, so
we don't say anything at all.
And even worse, sometimes we're a little self-absorbed.
And so, we forget about the people around us as we really focus on what
we're trying to get done, what we're trying to do.
But stick with me here, because there's really good reasons as to why we need to
become better complimenters.
Starting with the fact that giving a good compliment actually drives
achievement at a very fundamental level.
Researchers in Japan recently discovered that giving someone a good compliment is
equivalent to giving them straight cash. >> [LAUGH]
>> And yes,
I'm a poor grad student right now so I love money.
>> [LAUGH]
>> But this actually, like any reward,
leaves us wanting more.
It drives us to want to recreate our stellar performance.
Giving an awesome compliment is also better than giving constructive criticism.
This coming from a researcher at the University of Hamburg.
Where he noted that giving a good compliment exacerbates our optimism bias.
We have a feeling and we believe that good things will happen and bad things won't.
[LAUGH] So, when we give a good compliment or we receive a good compliment.
We then believe that we can actually achieve and
do something that maybe we wouldn't have otherwise.
And finally, giving a good compliment lifts moods,
it builds trust, and it leads to stronger relationships.
And the simple act of just recognizing those around you,
builds the foundations of reciprocity and positivity.
That leads to long lasting relationships.
With all that being said in order to actually achieve all of these benefits you
actually have to give a good compliment.
So what's a good compliment?
It comes down to giving the content and having great delivery.
When it comes down to content, we're thinking about being specific.
What exactly does someone do to deserve that compliment?
When we're specific, we avoid comparing people to each other, and
we also show that we were really paying attention.
We also want to be achievement focused.
We want to think about what they achieved versus what someone is.
Because when we think about achievement and we talk about achievement,
it's something someone can repeat and someone can do better.
It's what triggers that reward center in their brain.
Now when it comes to delivery, what we want to talk about is being genuine.
And the easiest way to do that is to just recognize the impact that
someone had on you.
And finally, we want to be selective.
As much as you guys might walk away from this talk saying you get a compliment, you
get a compliment, you get a compliment. >> [LAUGH]
>> We want to avoid doing that,
because when you give too many compliments,
that compliment and that sincerity, gets diluted.
Okay, so now that you guys are all awesome at giving compliments.
Walk with me to the other side, as we talk about receiving compliments.
When was the last time someone gave you a compliment?
How did you react?
Was it potentially with a question mark, like [SOUND] thanks?
Was it maybe with a no, no, no it wasn't me it was the team.
It was the weather.
It was luck. >> [LAUGH]
>> These reactions are so
common that sociolinguists have categorized them into two categories,
rejection and deflection.
And there is a good reason why, >> [LAUGH]
>> We also tend to dodge, dip, duck, dive,
and dodge compliments like we're playing dodgeball.
>> [LAUGH]
>> [LAUGH] And
it all starts from when we were kids.
We're told that good people and strong leaders are humble.
So we don't want to come off as stuck up.
We also have a tendency to run away from the spotlight.
So when someone shines the bright light of praise on us,
our first reaction is to run away.
And finally, especially in this room,
we all tend to be a little self-critical, some of us very self-critical.
And when someone gives us a compliment we view it with skepticism.
What did we even do to deserve it?
And this last part is really important, because when we dodge a good compliment.
We're actually devaluing the perspective, the time,
the heart, that someone put into giving us that compliment.
And just as much as giving good compliments builds up relationships,
dodging good compliments breaks those relationships down.
Additionally, when we dodge compliments we're also
missing out on an awesome opportunity to better ourselves.
We did something to really deserve that compliment.
Figuring out what that is will make us better and stronger, faster.
So when it comes to receiving compliments, there's really just two pieces.
Acknowledge, just say thank you.
You're going to want to say more, but just stop at thank you.
Internalize, really think about what you did to deserve that compliment.
And how you could recreate that, and how you could apply it elsewhere in your life.
Now admittedly as I stand in front of you giving you all this sage advice on giving
compliments and receiving them.
I myself continue to really struggle with becoming a better compliment giver and
receiver, it's hard.
But just the other day, I was teaching my seven year old nephew how
to throw a frisbee, and memories of that violin recital came flooding back to me.
And I wondered what I would have wanted my mom to say in that moment.
And I was reminded that this was my opportunity to not repeat history.
So I countered each of his throws with a very specific targeted compliment.
And I watched as his confidence grew, I saw it in his eyes,
and to think that I could have that kind of an impact on a young child.
Was a stark reminder that my work, that our work in becoming
better compliment givers and receivers is never done.
Thank you. >> [APPLAUSE]
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