Hi. In this video, I'm going to share the biggest key to be understood by men.
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Hi there. Mat Shaffer, your Empowerment, Connection, and Relationship Coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting women like you
in creating the fun, fulfilling, dynamic relationships with men
that you are so worthy of.
I'm super excited about this topic.
We're going to dive into the biggest key,
the biggest thing you need to really embody and embrace
when you're sharing vulnerably with a man, to be understood by him.
I'm super stoked to get into it.
Before I do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click the link in the comments and caption.
I have created a great training that I know you're going to love.
Let's dive into this because it's a very common issue
that I see with my clients and my students,
it's that, maybe you can relate to this, you've got a feeling that you want to share
with the man that you're dating or in a relationship with.
Maybe you've got something you want to ask him to do.
Maybe he's not taking you on the dates you want.
You guys have settled into just a routine of going through the motions
and he's not planning those big, adventurous dates that he used to.
What you do because this is such an important thing for you,
is you launch right into the request.
You say, "You know what?
I'd really like to go on more fun, adventurous, elaborate dates.
Can we do that?"
Instead of him giving the response that you wanted,
that receptive, open, "Oh my gosh, yes, absolutely. Let's do it,"
he just shuts down or maybe he says,
"Oh yes, we can try to do something like that down the road,"
or even worse, he gets defensive and says,
"What do you mean we don't go on elaborate dates?
Just last month, we went to Tijuana Flats and got burritos."
No matter which of those responses he gives you,
it's clear that what you expressed to him didn't land,
that he didn't fully appreciate or understand it.
That's because your request lacked one very specific thing that men need.
This is the principle that I'm so excited to share with you.
It's that men crave context.
Men crave context.
What is context?
Context is the facts and circumstances needed
to fully understand a statement or request.
Men are very fact-driven creatures.
We love to know the why.
At the end of the day, that's what context is.
It is the why.
It is the story behind a request
or behind a feeling that allows a man to fully understand it.
Men are not as intuitive as women,
so it really helps us to fully connect with and understand
what it is that you're feeling or what it is that you're asking us to do.
If you tell us why and you explain the story behind it--
because here's another very important concept.
If you do not give men the context
around a request or around a feeling that you're having,
they're going to create their own.
They're going to make up their own story around why you're feeling that way
or around why you're asking for that from them.
Chances are that story that they're making up isn't going to be true
and it's going to be a reflection of their own unworthiness
or their own insecurity or some other thing that you really don't want activated.
That's, a lot of times, why men get defensive when you ask for something,
is they feel like you're attacking them because they've made up a story about it
that that's what you're doing.
If you share with him the context
to really help him understand and appreciate your request,
it's going to land with him so much more powerfully.
In the example of wanting to go on more adventurous planned dates,
using context might look something like, "Hey, you know what I would really love?
To go on more adventurous, planned-out, involved dates
because it's something that I really love doing with you.
I've always enjoyed, from the very beginning of our relationship,
the fact that you put so much time and energy
into planning out these cool adventures that we would go on together.
Just being out there in the world with you, it just felt really fun.
I love the dynamic that we have when we're out there
just involved in some crazy situation.
It would really mean a lot to me for us to do more of that.
Does that make sense?
Is that something that you're open to?"
Do you see how that's going to land differently with him?
Once a man truly sees and understands the context behind your request,
he's not going to look at it as
he did something wrong or that you're not happy,
but rather that now he has a blueprint on what you want
and he knows why it's so important to you.
That's something that he can connect with.
When you do that, it diffuses any defensiveness
and it stops him from creating his own story around it.
Remember, ladies, if you want to be understood by men
when you have a powerful request to make of them
or you have a vulnerable feeling that you want to share with them,
be sure to give them the context behind it.
Give them the story behind that feeling.
Give them the explanation behind why that request is so important to you
so that they can connect with it, they can get inspired,
and they can go into committed, activated action to give it to you
or to really hold space for your feelings
without making them feel wrong or attacked or persecuted
and shut down on you from a space of ego.
I hope that your newfound understanding of the value men place on context and facts
will help you express your desires, express your feelings to a man
in a way that really lands with him and is meaningful for him.
That will help your relationships have far less conflict
and have both of you get far more of what you want from each other.
I hope you enjoyed this video.
If you did, take a second, hit that little subscribe button.
Don't forget to click that link in the comments or caption.
I've created some great training that I know you're going to love.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
I'll see you next time on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.