- HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY. - THANK YOU.
- YOU JUST TURNED 50. - THANK YOU, YES.
[cheers and applause]
YES.
- DID YOU DO A BIG 50 THING?
WHAT DID YOU DO? - I DID.
I HAD A BIG PARTY,
AND THEN I TOOK A FEW FRIENDS AND WE WENT TO SAINT MARTIN,
SO--WHICH I LOVE. IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES.
- THAT'S NICE. - YEAH, WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
SEE, NOW, ALEX, SHE TURNED 40,
LIKE, A FEW WEEKS BEFORE MY 50TH, YOU KNOW,
AND, YOU KNOW, SO SHE DECIDED
SHE WANTED TO GO TO THE FRENCH ALPS FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
SEE, SO I GO TO THE BEACH AND SUN.
- RIGHT.
- SHE TAKES ME IN THE, YOU KNOW, IN THE ALPS...
- UH-HUH. - AND FREEZE TO DEATH, YOU KNOW?
AND SKIING. WHAT THE HELL?
[laughter]
I DON'T--I DON'T DO THAT, YOU KNOW?
- NO? - NO.
- WELL--UH--YOU-- - WHAT--WHAT--
YEAH, I MEAN, EXACTLY. YOU'RE BAFFLED TOO.
LIKE, WHY WOULD SHE TAKE YOUR BLACK ASS SKIING?
- YEAH.
- I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING. - A 50-YEAR-OLD BLACK WOMAN.
I MEAN, NOT THAT BLACK PEOPLE DON'T SKI.
OF COURSE BLACK PEOPLE SKI, BUT THIS ONE DOES NOT.
- UH-HUH.
- SO, YOU KNOW-- - HAVE YOU NEVER SKIED EVER?
- WELL, OKAY, HERE'S THE THING--
WHEN I MET ALEX, SHE WAS A SNOWBOARDER, YOU KNOW,
AND THIS--BUT THIS WAS, LIKE, WHAT, SIX YEARS AGO.
SO, YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO, YOU KNOW,
SO I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO SNOWBOARD.
- YEAH. - TRYING TO IMPRESS HER.
- RIGHT. - SO I SNOWBOARDED, LIKE, TWICE.
- UH-HUH. - AND THAT WAS ENOUGH.
AND THEN I MARRIED HER, SO I'M LIKE, I'M DONE WITH THAT.
- RIGHT. - I GOT YOU.
[laughter]
THAT'S STUFF'S DONE.
I DON'T HAVE TO IMPRESS YOU ANYMORE.
- RIGHT.
- SO WE GET TO THE FRENCH ALPS, AND, YOU KNOW,
THE WHOLE FAMILY--
NOW I'M TRYING TO DO IT FOR THE KIDS,
BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LEARNING HOW TO SKI.
SO I GET BACK ON THE SNOWBOARD,
AND IT WAS JUST A DISASTER.
YOU KNOW, I TOOK THE LESSON.
I'M IN THERE WITH A BUNCH OF LITTLE DUMB KIDS,
AND, YOU KNOW, SO I'M ON THE SNOWBOARD,
I'M DOING MY THING AND--
IT WAS JUST A MESS.
I FELL OFF THE-- THE TOW POLE.
YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THIS POLE, RIGHT,
AND YOU GOT TO STICK IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE, BUT IT WASN'T, YOU KNOW--
[laughter]
FAMILIAR, BUT I'M JUST NOT A FAN.
- UH-HUH.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- SO I GOT THE TOW POLE, YOU KNOW, BETWEEN MY LEGS,
AND ON A SNOWBOARD, YOU GOT TO GO UP, LIKE--
YOU GOT IT LIKE THIS AND YOU GOT TO--
YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS,
AND ONE FOOT IS OUT THE SNOWBOARD,
SO ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M-- AND--
THE POLE SHOT OUT--
BAM. FELL ON THE GROUND.
AND I KNOW EVERYBODY WAS LIKE,
"OH, LOOK AT THE LESBIAN FALLING OFF THE POLE."
OH.
BLESS HER HEART.
LOOK, THAT'S MY SON. HE'S ON THE--SEE?
HE'S DOING IT. THAT'S MY SON LUCAS.
- SEE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT, 'CAUSE-- - IT'S CRAZY.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A FRENCH THING, OR WHAT.
- IT PULLS YOU? - YEAH, YOU JUST--LIKE THIS--
- YOU JUST HOLD ON. - YEAH, YOU HOLD ON.
- WELL, THAT'S EASY. - AND IT PULLS YOU--
NO, IT IS NOT EASY. - WELL, IT LOOKS EASY.
- IT IS NOT EASY.
- YOU'RE JUST HOLDING ON TO A POLE.
- NO, IT'S--I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.
AND I FELL OFF THE POLE, SO THEN I FINALLY MAKE IT UP,
YOU KNOW, UP THE HILL, WHATEVER, THE SLOPE,
AND I'M, YOU KNOW, I'M DOING MY BOARD,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I CAUGHT AN EDGE,
AND I--BOOM, FELL, FELL BACKWARDS, HIT MY HEAD.
YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, I WAS WEARING A HELMET.
I FELL SO HARD,
I SAW IMAGES FROM THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
I SAW--I SAW THE MAN WITH THE WATER HOSE.
[laughter]
I SAW THE--THE COUPLE WITH THE DOG BITING 'EM ON THE ASS.
I SAW THE KIDS AT THE LUNCH COUNTER.
[laughter]
I HEARD DR. KING'S SPEECH, YOU KNOW,
"I HAVE A DREAM!"
AND--AND--HE SAID,
"BUT IT WAS NOT FOR YOU TO BE SKIING IN THE FRENCH ALPS."
[laughter]
YOU HAVE JUMPED THE SHARK ON THE DREAM.
- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
- AND THAT WAS IT. - OHH.
- I JUMPED THE SHARK ON THE DREAM.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. - MY GOD.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK. WE'LL BE BACK WITH WANDA SYKES.
[cheers and applause]