Families take on a lot of different constellations. Sometimes a stepparent
ends up wondering, "What's my role?" I'm kind of funny this way but I really like
to identify what's not my job. If I'm trying to figure out what my job is. So
let's talk about that first and then we'll get to some things that will help
you to establish yourself as a more effective step parent. What's not my job.
It's not my job to replace anyone or anything. This is where we get into
trouble sometimes. I did child custody evaluations for the court for about 13
years in my practice. I've seen a lot of situations where there's such bitterness
and anger and animosity against this step parent. Because she's trying to
replace my mom. He thinks that he's taken over the position for my dad. It's not
your job to replace anyone. Kids already have a mom, don't they? Well then, what's
your role? Don't worry, we'll get to that in just a minute.
Your role is not to replace anyone. Is that a little bit of a relief? I hope that comes
as a relief. You'll notice that in families, we take on different roles.
Different purposes and it's really normal in a normal family. Whatever that
is, for one parent to be a little more focused on discipline for the other
parent to be a little more focused on the love and the nurturing. Yeah, that's
pretty common. As a stepparent, it's not your role to take over one of those
positions. You're naturally going to create a new family dynamic. But it's not
your role to be the disciplinarian. I picked that particular role because as a
step parent, that creates some predictable difficulties. If you step in
and try to provide the discipline. Now, you can provide the discipline
appropriately. We're going to get to that. But it's not your role to become the
disciplinarian. Or the nurturer or whatever the role is. You don't have to
assume that that's already predetermined. You know, here's another one. And I know
that you've probably encountered this. Because there are some messes, aren't
there? Yeah. It's not your job to clean up the mess or to fix whatever somebody
else broke. Let that settle in for a moment. It's not your job.
You're not the mop-up person. You're not here to fix or correct or repair.
Probably your involvement will improve the situation if you do it right. We're
going to get to that. But remember your job is not to fix this and to clean up
all the messes. I don't think you possibly could clean up all the messes.
And that's okay because it's not your job. How you feeling right about now? A
little better? Hopefully that's a relief to realize, "Oh, it's not my job to do that.
It's not my job to do that." One other point that it's not your job to make
sure that anything. Alright? Connect with that. You know how
you might finish that sentence. "Oh, I need to make sure that..." Whatever. "I need to
make sure that my spouse is happy. I need to make sure that the ex doesn't
interfere with the kids. I need to make sure that I'm an effective
disciplinarian." Whatever. No. It's not your job to make sure that anything. That
should be a relief as well. Alright. Now, that we got you feeling all relieved,
what is your job as a stepparent? It's pretty simple. Your job is to love
them no matter what and even if. Big surprise if you've watched this channel
very long. Look at the positive parenting playlist. We repeat that time and time
again. This is your job. Whether you are a natural-born parent,
adoptive parent, a stepparent. Whatever. This is your job. To love them no matter
what and even if. There's some challenges when you come into this as a step parent.
Because there's already patterns established. And there are relationships
that existed before you ever got here. As a parent in this home, you get to take
part in all of the roles of parenting. Discipline? Some step parents I talked to
our way hands-off on the discipline. Understandably because if that's not
done correctly, it can cause friction and conflict in their relationships. And the
kids are already kind of struggling bringing someone else in. So, you're going
to take part in the discipline but we're going to do it in a way that we have
parental authority. This is the part that I've been promising to get to for the
whole video. This is how we're going to step into the discipline role, the
nurturer role, every role that is relevant and applicable to a parent will
be supported as you understand what gives you authority. The fact that you
carry a title as a parent even if it has the word step in front of it does not
give you any authority. Here's what gives you authority and this comes from solid
research that showed that there are 2 components to Authority. And here's
what they are. Component number 1, you have to be able to set and enforce
appropriate limits. Have to be able to set
and enforce appropriate limits. If you can't, you don't have any authority with
these kids. How do you do that? First of all, focus on what you control. You'll
feel frustrated and angry and resentful if you get yourself into areas that you
don't have any control. And watch for those 3 feelings. Frustration, anger,
and resentment. When you feel those, it's probably because you're getting into an
area where you don't have any control.Get your mind steered back to what you
do control and then you can use that appropriately in the discipline. You have
to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. There's another
important part to authority that is probably equally powerful. Sometimes
overlooked. You have to be seen as a provider of good times and good things.
Be seen as a provider of good times and good things. We got to be having fun.
Honestly, if you come in and do discipline without being seen as a
provider of good times and good things, you don't carry any authority with these
kids. Oh they may obey you from time to time just to stay out of trouble.
But what gives you the true authority as a stepparent is if you are personally seen
as a provider of good times and good things? Notice this is not just an
extension of your spouse. Your spouse may already be seen as a provider of good
times and good things. The fact that you are now married to their parent does not
give you automatic authority. You've got to earn that. So we've got the 2
components. You have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. If you
need some help with that, get some help with that. The positive parenting
playlist here on the channel is a great place to start. The parenting power up of
course the Vicky and I put together. That's a great place to
to. Parenting Power-Up.com. Go check it out.
There's resources and there's others too besides the ones that we're providing
for you. Figure out how to set and enforce appropriate limits and then that
second part, you got to be seen as a provider of good times and good things.
Lighten it up, have some fun. Show the kids that you can be someone that is
enjoyable and fun to be around. It contributes to your authority. Your job
as a stepparent can be a whole lot of fun. You can have
authority with these kids. You can be seen as someone who is important in
their life. You're not replacing anybody. Remember what we talked about. About what
your job is not. And I think you can get there. This whole step parent thing.
Probably not for the weak of heart, right? Hopefully you found this helpful. And if
you new to the channel, click right down there below it that big button to
subscribe. Because we'd love to have you be part of our family here.