Game! Bam! Drink up, Farmer John.
[laughs] That's right.
Todd Aberdeen's back on top.
Yes, I may have shat my pants on multiple occasions,
but at least I can still dominate at ale pong.
Ooh, ale pong?
Oh, I've always wanted to try. Can I play?
Sure, if you don't mind getting your butt whooped.
- What? - That was fun!
Oh, can we play again?
Yeah, okay, just...
Rack 'em up.
Bitch.
[patriotic music plays]
[indistinct cheering]
Lib-er-ty! Lib-er-ty!
Can you believe this is the most fun
I've had on my honeymoon and my wife isn't even here?
Hey, I get it. The highlight of my honeymoon
was the night Todd passed out early
and I ate a whole cake in the tub.
I just--I thought marriage would be different, you know?
I thought it'd be fun, and adventures
and, I don't know, fireworks.
I guess we don't always end up
with our fireworks person.
♪♪♪
PATRIOTIC MAN: Uh-oh, stop the parade!
- Whoa. - Troll alert.
Look out, everybody. Whoop whoop!
I am so terribly sorry
about what I said to you earlier.
The truth is, that wasn't me at all.
I actually love the 4th of July.
I...knew it!
My USA-dar is flawless!
Now come on, and get your tushies on this float!
Let's do it.
UNCLE SAM: Nice to meet you, little Levi.
Now tell Uncle Sam, what's your 4th of July wish?
I wish for a cure for my polio,
and rickets, and scurvy, and measles--
Uh, I'll see what I can do.
And Levi, I want you...
to have a happy 4th of July.
[polite laugh] All right. There you go.
Great wishes, kids. All right, now,
I need you to wait outside.
I'm gonna have a little word with Uncle Sam.
Off you go.
Get along, little doggies.
[chuckles]
Here's the deal.
I need to pull off an unspeakably heinous crime
to outdo my daughter, and...
long story short, I need to kidnap you.
- Oh. - Yeah, I know, it sucks.
I hope you take it as a compliment, though.
- I understand. - Good.
And I hope you understand that Uncle Sam
doesn't go down without a fight!
[growls]
[growling, objects breaking]
- [growling, objects breaking] - [coughs]
How are you so jacked?
I want you...to die!
Ooh!
- [grunts] - [crowd gasps]
[groaning]
Ah, don't worry, kids.
Sam's just taking a little nap.
Hey, help me drag his body out of here.
Yeah! I friggin' love you, America,
and I don't care who knows it!
Yas, honey! You better crown that good with brotherhood!
- Ezekiel! - Aah!
What are you doing up there?
Um, this isn't what it looks like. I'm--
Look, Phaedra,
I want to be a good husband to you.
But that also means being honest with you.
I love America.
I know this must come as a huge shock to you
but I really hope you can find some way of accepting it
because it--it is a huge part of who I am.
I absolutely do not accept that.
That part of you makes me sick and revolted
and the fact that we are even having this conversation
makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.
Now get off that float immediately.
Yes, dear.
Yikes. That's a hard attitude to move forward from.
Zeke, wait.
Haven't you done enough harm already?
Go back to your own husband.
Go.
Excuse me, ma'am? I'm so sorry,
but I think I may have killed your husband.
[burps]
And, uh, not to pile on,
but I think he shit his pants.
He shit his pants.
Happy 4th.