♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
TODAY WE HEARD ONLY FROM THE HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAD THE DAY OFF, AND THEY
NEEDED IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL IN RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY FROM
PUNCHING THEMSELVES IN THE FACE FOR TWO HOURS YESTERDAY.
THEY'RE SWEEPING UP TEETH LIKE CHICKLETS.
THE REVIEWS ARE IN, AND THEY ARE TERRIBLE, ESPECIALLY FOR LEAD
DEFENSE ATTORNEY AND MAN BOMBING THIS AUDITION FOR BILLY FLYNN IN
"CHICAGO," BRUCE CASTOR.
THE CRITICISM WAS ESPECIALLY HARSH FROM REPUBLICANS.
TEXAS SENATOR JOHN CORNYN SAID CASTOR "JUST RAMBLED ON AND ON
AND ON."
MAINE'S SUSAN COLLINS SAID SHE WAS "PERPLEXED."
AND LISA MURKOWSKI ADDED, "I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE HE WAS
GOING.
HE SPENT 45 MINUTES GOING SOMEWHERE, BUT I DON'T THINK HE
HELPED WITH US BETTER UNDERSTANDING WHERE HE WAS
COMING FROM."
"PERPLEXED," RAMBLED," "COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE HE WAS COMING
FROM"?
IS THIS AN IMPEACHMENT OR CHRISTOPHER NOLAN'S "TENET"?
JUST MAKE A LINEAR MOVIE FOR ONCE, CHRIS!
A THING HAPPENS, ANOTHER THING HAPPENS BECAUSE OF THE FIRST
THING, AND THEN PEOPLE FEEL SOME WAY ABOUT THOSE THINGS
HAPPENING.
ROLL CREDITS.
MAYBE PUT SOME BLOOPERS IN THE CREDITS, OKAY?
WORKED FOR BURT REYNOLDS!
IT WILL WORK FOR YOU.
THE HARSHEST REVIEW CAME FROM LOUISIANA REPUBLICAN AND MAN AT
WORK REALIZING HE FORGOT TO TAKE HIS KIDS TO SCHOOL, BILL
CASSIDY.
( LAUGHTER )
RAND PAUL'S EARLIER MOTION THAT IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO IMPEACH
A FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE SWITCHED SIDES YESTERDAY AND
EXPLAINED WHY.
>> IT WAS DISORGANIZED, RANDOM, HAD NOTHING.
THEY TALKED ABOUT MANY THINGS, BUT THEY DIDN'T TALK ABOUT
THE ISSUE AT HAND.
AND SO, IF I'M AN IMPARTIAL JUROR AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE A
DECISION BASED UPON THE FACTS AS PRESENTED ON THIS ISSUE, THEN
THE HOUSE MANAGERS DID A MUCH BETTER JOB.
>> Stephen: WOW, A REPUBLICAN SENATOR LOOKED AT EVIDENCE AND
ACTED ACCORDINGLY.
IT'S A LOW BAR, BUT RIGHT NOW, IT'S THE ONLY ONE WE'VE GOT.
CHEERS, SENATOR!
MMM ( WHISTLES )
THERE WAS ONE PERSON WHO DIDN'T THINK BRUCE CASTOR DID A BAD
JOB: BRUCE CASTOR.
ASKED ABOUT CASSIDY'S FLIP TO THE OTHER SIDE, CASTOR CROWED:
"WE ONLY LOST ONE, SO I BELIEVE WE HAD A GOOD DAY."
HOT TIP: NEVER HIRE BRUCE CASTOR AS YOUR LAWYER OR YOUR
BABYSITTER.
"LOOK, JUST PUT EVERYONE TO BED.
KACIE AND MAGGIE ATE ALL THEIR VEGETABLES.
WE ONLY LOST ONE KID, BUT TREVOR WAS PRETTY MOUTHY, SO I THINK
WE HAD A GOOD DAY!" AT THE END OF THE DAY, CASTOR
DIDN'T SEEM TO THINK THE BAD REVIEWS WERE A BIG DEAL.
"YOU PUT 100 PEOPLE IN THE SAME ROOM, YOU'RE GOING TO GET 100
DIFFERENT OPINIONS."
YEAH, MAYBE SO, BUT PRETTY SURE THE OBJECTIVE OF A TRIAL IS TO
GET THE WHOLE JURY TO HAVE THE SAME OPINION.
NAMELY, THAT YOUR CLIENT DIDN'T DO IT.
THAT'S WHY THE MOVIE ISN'T CALLED "12 MEN WHO ALL FEEL
DIFFERENTLY."
THE ONE MAN WHO REALLY DID NOT ENJOY CASTOR'S PERFORMANCE WAS
HIS CLIENT, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, DURING CASTOR'S OPENING
STATEMENT, THE USED-POTUS WAS "ALMOST SCREAMING" AT
THE TV.
WHEN HAS HE EVER "ALMOST" SCREAMED?
BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THE TVs HAD SO MUCH SPITTLE ON THEM,
THEY CAME WITH WIPER BLADES.
NOW, THE IMPEACHMENT, STRANGELY IS ACTUALLY THE SECOND BIGGEST
STORY FROM THE LEGAL WORLD, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THIS FOOTAGE
WENT VIRAL OF A TEXAS COURT HEARING WHERE ONE OF THE
LAWYERS GOT STUCK BEHIND A ZOOM FILTER.
SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHICH ONE: >> MR. PONTON, I BELIEVE YOU
HAVE A FILTER TURNED ON IN THE VIDEO SETTINGS.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO, UH-- >> AH!
WE'RE TRYING TO-- WE'RE TRYING TO-- CAN YOU HEAR ME, JUDGE?
>> I CAN HEAR YOU.
I THINK IT'S A FILTER.
>> IT IS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REMOVE IT.
I'VE GOT MY ASSISTANT HERE.
SHE'S TRYING TO, UH...
I'M PREPARED TO GO FORWARD WITH IT.
I'M HERE LIVE.
I'M NOT-- I'M NOT A CAT.
( LAUGHTER )
HONOR!
THE OPPOSING COUNSEL IS CLEARLY A CAT!
I MOVE TO HAVE HIM DISBARRED AND DE-CLAWED!
THIS IS THE ULTIMATE VIRAL VIDEO FOR THE PANDEMIC, BECAUSE AT
THIS POINT, I'VE ALSO TURNED INTO A CAT.
I SLEEP 18 HOURS A DAY, I EAT EVERYTHING OUT OF A BOWL WITH MY
FACE, AND I BATHE SLIGHTLY LESS THAN A CAT, ONLY BECAUSE MY
TONGUE WON'T REACH EVERYWHERE!
THE NAME OF THE LAWYER IN THAT VIDEO IS ROD PONTON.
"PAWWWWN-TON?" REALLY, MISTER "I'M NOT A
CAT"?
THAT'S WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH?
"UH, MY NAME?
IT'S, UHH, ROD...
PAWNTON.
I MEAN, PHIL LITTER BOX.
I MEAN, CHASE LASER POINTER!" ALSO, NOTICE THAT THE ZOOM HAS A
WARNING THAT SAYS "RECORDING OF THIS HEARING IS PROHIBITED.
VIOLATION MAY RESULT IN A JAIL TERM OF UP TO 180 DAYS."
AND I WANT TO SALUTE WHOEVER RISKED JAIL TO BRING US THIS
MOMENT OF JOY.
"WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "MULTIPLE HOMICIDE."
WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "FUNNY CAT LAWYER."
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE."
STILL, AS AWKWARD AS THIS WAS, THIS MAY BE THE ONLY WAY TO
IMPROVE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE.
>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.
I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: NAH, HE STILL SUCKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KRISTEN WIIG.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪