[Baywatch Theme] ♫ I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
[Baywatch Theme] ♫ Never you fear (No don't you fear)
[Baywatch Theme] ♫ I'll be ready
[Baywatch Theme] ♫ Forever and always
[Baywatch theme] ♫ I'm always here
[Allison] BADENIXEN UND BOATPEOPLE!
[Allison] As this topless woman washes off, an alternate-dimension Weird Al Yankovic stares in awe.
[Allison] This is probably what got her that role in Thunder in Paradise!
[Allison] Actually, I don't know. Who cares?
[Allison as Eyebrows] A topless woman? Now my skills come into play!
[Newmie] Tower 27
[Allison as Eyebrows] Newmie, can you do my job for me?
[Allison as Newmie] No can do, loser.
[Allison as Eyebrows] Oh-ho-ho. I have been snubbed.
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] Why do I always get the nutcases?
[Allison] Eyebrows thought someone speaking Dutch was weird.
[Allison] His measuring scale for nut cases is not like normal people's.
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] Excuse me, ma'am, but you're gonna have to put your top back on.
[Some Kid] Leave her alone.
[Other Guy] Go back to your tower!
[Allison as Eyebrows] As a lifeguard, I am used to this shabby treatment. Your words cannot hurt me!
[Bottle breaking noise]
[Allison as Eyebrows] Ooh! Sacre bleu!
[Newmie] I suppose you made her get dressed?
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] Yeah.
[Newmie] Rookie mistake, you'll learn.
[Allison] I would point out Eyebrows has been a lifeguard for three years now,
[Allison] but I won't say no to Newmie making fun of him.
[Allison] Hey, thanks for giving him some more screen time, Baywatch!
[Allison] He tells Eyebrows he owes money after losing a bet on a game
[Allison] and let's hope CJ "Gambling Addiction" Parker doesn't catch wind of it.
[Allison] So Eyebrows goes to get him his twenty bucks, only to find his wallet missing.
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] What?!
[Allison] It turns out the topless lady was no normal Baywatch time filler with no bearing on the rest of the plot.
[Allison] It was actually a clever distraction so that she and her accomplice can rob people.
[Allison] Eyebrows getting robbed? This is a new plot...
[Allison as Eyebrows] *sniffles* I miss being rich.
[Allison] I just like to point out this may be the first scene Newmie's carried
[Allison] where he's not diving off of a boat or punching people
[Allison] and that fills me with such joy.
[Allison] All the men who were watching the woman stop by to say that they were robbed too.
[Allison] and to make the show even more dated.
[Other Guy] We all got burned, man! They got my Walkman™, my sunglasses...
[Some Kid] My watch, My Gameboy™.
[Other Guy] You gotta do something, bro. This is like totally rude, dude!
[Background Guy] Right, man.
[Allison as Mitch] We talking about cool young people things, my dudes?
[Newmie] That's Mister Dude.
[Music fitting for one of the most epic comebacks EVER]
[Shattered glass and shattered minds]
[Allison] Garner gets their statements, but no one, but Eyebrows can tell him what her face looks like.
[Allison] Men, am I right?
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] What are the chances of you catching her?
[Allison as Garner] Well if you're gonna have that attitude,
[Allison as Garner] I might just quit the force and start a PI team with Mitch!
[Allison as Eyebrows] That sounds farfetched, even for this show.
[Allison as Garner] Next season, Matt... Next season.
[Allison] And then he just laughs at Eyebrows's continuing misfortune, as he should.
[Garner laughs at Eyebrows's misfortune]
[Allison] Meanwhile, Mitch is in a cool water transport plot.
[Allison] This time being instructed about paramotors, which is basically paragliding but with a giant fan.
[Salesman] You said you've flown a hang glider. It's practically the same thing.
[Allison] Oh yeah. Just like a hang glider.
[Allison] We all know how good Mitch is at those.
[Allison as Salesman] Now just run hard and don't let up on the throttle until-
[Allison as Mitch] Yeah, whatever. I got this.
[Allison as Mitch] AAAAAAAAHHHHH
[Triumphant music]
[CRASH!]
[Allison] During the test run, Mitch spots a woman stranded in a raft.
[The woman yells for help as vaguely stereotypical Chinese music plays in the background]
[Allison as Mitch] Oh boy, this is gonna be rough.
[Rescue Music!]
[Crickets chirping]
[Caroline] What the heck is that thing?
[Allison] A gimmick we probably won't see again. Don't worry about it.
[Allison as Caroline] HEE-YAHHHHH
[Vaguely stereotypically Chinese music over the sounds of drowning]
[Allison] Get it? Cuz she's Chinese...
[Allison as Mitch] IT WAS STILL MY SAVE...
[Caroline] So, where do you think she's from, Mitch?
[Allison] I don't know. She's speaking Chinese and turned up dressed in Chinese clothing...
[Allison] Take a wild guess, Caroline!
[Allison as Caroline] And Logan is from England. Nyehnyehnyehnyehnyehnyeh
[Allison] Mitch deduces the woman ended up here on an immigration smuggling ship.
[Allison] Via some Pocahontas language magic, they are able to get her name out of her.
[Caroline] Caroline.
[Stethoscope noises]
[Caroline] Mitch.
[Caroline] Caroline. Who are you? What is your name?
[Sun Yi] Sun Yi.
[Caroline mispronouncing Sun-Yi] Shu-Ni?
[Allison as Caroline] And we can paint with all the colors of the wind now.
[Allison] Sun Yi is played by Eugenia Ewan who's done some cool stuff
[Allison] like being part of the US national rhythmic gymnastics team
[Allison] and she can speak four languages and her mama's martial arts legend Pei Pei Chang.
[Allison] Oh, and also she's won the Hong Kong equivalent of an Oscar,
[Allison] but truly she will best be remembered as Chinese refugee woman from Baywatch.
[Mitch] What is this? Umm...
[Mitch] What is this? Is this his name? Name?
[Allison] Yeah... Just keep repeating words, guys... That'll teach her English.
[Allison] Time for a trip to Chinatown!
[Allison] Mitch go searching for Lin-Wa, the woman listed on the envelope.
[Allison] The locals don't seem too keen on Mitch.
[Mitch] Could you tell me where this address is?
[Mitch laughs to the footsteps of rejection]
[Mitch] 951, 951
[Allison] Well you were 30 feet away, Mitch!
[Allison] Maybe that's why everyone didn't want to bother with you.
[Allison] The door gets shut on him, which automatically tells Mitch a chase scene is coming up.
[Vaguely stereotypical Chinese chase music ensues]
[Mitch] Lin-Wa!
[Allison as Lin-Wa] Ah! A giant Bigfoot! Run!
[Allison as Mitch] Why is everyone scared of a strange white man
[Allison] showing up at their door and chasing them down an alley?
[Allison as Mitch] *bone crackle*No, not empty boxes
[Allison] Admit it. You deserve that, Mitch.
[Intense staredown music that sounds like a scratched CD]
[Allison] Heesh. This is getting tense.
[Allison] Perhaps Mitch can break the ice with a timely Tonya Harding reference...
[Mitch] You know, Tonya Harding could have used a guy like you...
[Allison as Thug] To do what the exact same thing?
[Allison as Mitch] Well yeah, because of the guy she hired to hit Nancy Kerrigan.
[Allison as Thug] Actually, her ex-husband did- her bodyguard hired that guy.
[Allison as Mitch] Well, that doesn't change my reference.
[Allison as Thug] Okay, whatever. I'm just saying she already had a guy, so why would she need me?
[Allison as Mitch] You know what? Forget it. You ruined the joke!
[Mitch crashes into boxes yet again]
[Allison] For whatever reason, Lin-Wa takes pity on Mitch and decides to hear him out.
[Allison] You see, it was all a comical mix-up.
[Allison] It turns out Sun-Yi is her sister who was also pregnant.
[Allison as Mitch] Who cares if she's feeling sick. What about my knee?
[Slow motioned groaning]
[Allison] Mitch and Caroline find themselves in a moral quandary.
[Allison] If they take Sun-Yi to a hospital, she'll be deported and not be allowed to have her baby.
[Allison] Hmm... Take her to a hospital, or just let her stumble feverish and covered in blisters
[Allison] back to Chinatown where she can be sick and pregnant and further injure herself?
[Allison] It's a real stumper.
[Allison] They take her anyway and nothing comes of it.
[Allison] MEANWHILE! Pickpocket plot!
[Allison] Garner has a picture of the woman and for some reason Hobie is involved with this
[Hobie] Ooh man, what a babe.
[Allison as Hobie] Cowabunga dude or whatever...
[Garner and Matt Brody/Eyebrows] Ehh, shut up..
[Allison] Nudie con artist stakeout montage!
[Jimmie Vaughn] ♫ Bapa boom
[Jimmie Vaughn] ♫ Whoa, you
[Allison as Eyebrows] OH-HO -HO-HOO
[Allison] Okay that lady was actually topless. Did she not violate the same ordinance the other lady did?
[Allison as Topless Lady] This is sexy, right???
[Allison] Sure enough they spot con-artist lady back at it again
[Allison] So why did she bother with the wig if she was just gonna do the same con?
[Allison] Did she not think they'd make the connection?
[Woman] Mr. Lifeguard! Do you realize that that young lady over there is showering... all naturale?
[Allison as Buzzkill McVest] It's me Buzzkill McVest. I just go to the beach to judge people and gossip.
[Buzzkill McVest] Young man, did you hear what I said?!
[Allison] How old is she supposed to be eighty?
[Allison] Eyebrows goes after the con partner who's taking the wallets.
[Allison] Whoa, this episode is all sorts of action-packed!
[Allison as Eyebrows] Oh-ho-ho, a tiny plastic table cannot stop me!
[Allison] Be honest, is this chase scene stupid?
[Allison] And they're racing onto the highway now?
[Allison] Okay guys, there's not that much at stake.
[Allison] I absolutely love the juxtaposition of stupid topless con artist and her Freddie Mercury partner
[Allison] and Chinese refugee fighting for the life of her child.
[Allison] Beautiful.
[Wacky chase music]
[Fart noise]
[Allison as Eyebrows] You know Tonya Harding could have used a guy like you...
[Allison] And we still have time for a topless chase scene!
[The Benny Hill Theme ensues!]
[Isn't this the perfect chase music?]
[Hobie] That's what I call a bust!
[Allison] Haha... In real life, I'm 15!
[Caroline] I went back to the hospital this morning
[Caroline] and the doctors say that Sun-Yee is responding wrong with the medication.
[Sun Yi says her name]
[Caroline and Mitch horribly mispronounce Sun Yi's name]
[Allison as Caroline] I'm glad SUNFISH is doing okay.
[Allison] Shippy tells Caroline and Mitch a boat is coming in
[Allison] and they think Sun-Yi's husband could be on board.
[Allison] But how will the audience know for sure?
[Vaguely stereotypically Chinese music strikes again!]
[Allison] Yep, yup.
[Allison as Sun-Yi's husband] I-I can't understand. Your subtitles are in German.
[Allison as Thug] Who told Mitch Von Malibu about us? WHO?
[Allison] Ah, that's when the kung-fu battle starts. Shoulda seen it comin'...
[Allison] Sure, the refugees are suffering from hunger, dehydration, and possible dysentery, but they are Asian...
[Allison] The Superfly II is not, so Superfly.
[Allison] Sure, Mitch has got an injured knee that I suspect it was a real life injury they wrote in,
[Allison] but he's not gonna let anyone else get credit for this one.
[Allison] While the coast guard shows up for the boring part
[Allison] He has to rescue Sun-Yi's husband who has fallen overboard
[Mitch] Keep her steady, Barnett!
[Allison] Ah - I'm sorry what?
[Splash!]
[Allison as Mitch] Huh huh.
[Allison as Mitch] I can't swim with my crappy knee, but check out this SWEET LIFESAVER ROCKET LAUNCHER!
[Allison as Mitch] From Mattel™
[Allison] Ok, I just looked this up and in 2010 an Australian student actually made this happen.
[Allison] Life is amazing sometimes.
[Mitch, in a bad Chinese accent] Oh yeah Yogi, let's pick him up.
[Mitch, in a bad Chinese accent] HUAAAAH
[Allison] Embarrassing. Let's check in on Chinatown real quick.
[Definitely stereotypical Chinese music]
[Allison] Yup, still Chinese.
[Lin-Wa] This is just one of the places that I work, but the best place to celebrate.
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] Why don't we celebrate?
[Allison as Eyebrows] I really don't know. I wasn't part of this story at all. Why am I even here?
[Allison] Sun-Yi, and her husband will be able to stay and have their child and also bring their daughter there
[Allison] Everything's easy when it comes to immigration!
[Allison as Mitch] That wraps up everything in a nice little bow.
[Allison as Hobie] Let's eat, Dad!
[Allison as Mitch] Ew! No! I HATE Chinese food!
[Mitch] Don't expect a big tip.
[Allison] Did you know Baywatch had a movie this summer?
[Allison] You wouldn't let me forget, so let's take a break and watch it!
[Baywatch Season 5 Ending Theme] ♫ I believe (this is the moment)
♫ I believe (this is the place)
♫ I believe (this is the challenge)
♫ We must face
♫ Face to face
♫ Oh, I believe (OH I BELIEVE)