-It's a joke, okay?
It's a bom-nation.
It's like who do we think we are?
And who do you think you are, Seth?
'Cause guess what.
You're not.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm sorry. What are you talking about?
♪♪
Between Hurricane Sandy and the election on Tuesday,
there's a lot to talk about.
Here, with her thoughts
on these sensitive subjects, is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-As-salamu alaykum, Seth.
-Alright. -As-salamu alaykum.
-It's great to see you again.
So, what are your thoughts
on this busy world of politics?
-Okay, I don't have time to think, Seth.
This election is an outrage.
It's a joke, okay?
It's a bom-nation.
It's like who do we think we are?
And who do you think you are, Seth?
'Cause guess what.
You're not.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I'm sorry. What are you talking about?
[ Laughter ]
-The election, Seth.
Okay, take off your blindfold and listen to what I'm saying.
[ Laughter ] -Okay. -You are so afraid, Seth.
Like you are so afraid of what everyone thinks of you
and you're judging them?
[ Laughter and applause ] You should be ashamed.
-Wait. Who am I judging?
-Obama, Seth! Okay?
How do you think he handled the hurricane?
-I thought he did good.
Really? 'Cause I thought
he did well.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But, I guess that doesn't even matter anymore?
You're brainwashed.
-I'm brainwashed?
[ Laughter ] -Open your eyes, people.
Hunger, racism,
small businesses.
It's like, "Maybe don't."
[ Laughter ]
Like either vote or don't vote, but take a stand.
Like don't vote.
[ Laughter ]
Instagram. -Uh.
[ Laughter and applause ] Can we please talk
about the election? -Okay.
You know what I love most, Seth?
Benefits. -Benefits?
-Bennifer. -Bennifer? You love Bennifer?
-Okay, Seth, can I sing a Negro spiritual
real quick? -No!
[ Laughter ] -Okay. Fine.
Like but my point is, you need to put myself
in their shoes, okay?
[ Laughter ] Do you know how many there are
in China, alone?
-How many what?
-Shoes, Seth.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You could line them up
and they would go around the Earth three times.
-Sorry, the shoes would?
-Exactly, Seth.
I'm in their shoes.
And sometimes, they don't even have 'em.
So, can I sing a Negro spiritual,
real quick? -No!
-Fine. Cassidy! Cassidy!
-Who are you talking to?
-Cassidy!
Okay, Seth, what were you for Halloween?
-I didn't really dress up.
-I was Martin Luther King Jr. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-So you went in blackface?
-Wow!
It's African American face.
[ Laughter and applause ] And, yes, of course I did.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, I need to give you this guy's business card.
He designs Internet.
[ Laughter ] Okay.
Seth, when's the last time
you really went to Thailand?
-I don't -- What? -Okay, you know what? Fine.
Just give me your number. -No!
-It's not for me, okay?
It's for my friend.
She does this mass texting -Okay.
-where she sends you 10 jokes every day.
It's hilarious and you can't unsubscribe.
[ Laughter ]
Are you on LinkedIn?
-Listen, I gotta work
really early tomorrow. -America needs to wake up, Seth.
There are children out there
who don't have parents.
And those parents
don't have children.
[ Laughter ]
So maybe think about that next time.
Seth, pick a hand.
Go ahead. Pick one.
-Okay.
-See? You were both wrong.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With.
-Cassidy! -Here, with her opinions, is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Hey, Seth. Welcome back.
-Alright, well, thank you.
So, are you excited about the holidays?
-Excited?
I'm repulsed, Seth.
All this mercialism around Christmas?
It's an outrage.
It's a trajesty.
It's like what are we even doing and like why?
And like don't.
[ Laughter ]
-You really seem like you're in the Christmas spirit.
-You mean, the Christ-mas spirit?
Oh, right, you don't care about Jesus,
'cause you worship hallmark.
-Oh, boy. [ Laughter ]
-You need to wake up and smell the music, Seth.
There are homeless people out there
who can't even pay their mortgages.
[ Laughter ]
Is that what George Washington had in mind
when he started America? It's like
read something Seth.
Learn a book.
[ Laughter ]
-Learn it?
-Fact: For every five people who are hungry,
there are five people who are too full.
It's like switch stomachs.
[ Laughter ]
And, fact -- for every four men,
there are two women.
And that's just supposed to be ceptable?
No!
We need bipartisan ships.
-Bipartisan ships?
Like ships that are bipartisan?
-[mockingly] "Like ships that are bipartisan?"
[ Laughter ]
You need to grow up, Seth.
'Cause there are some people in Africa right now
where it's like no.
[ Laughter ]
Also -- I'm sorry --
why can't Secret Santa just be
openly gay?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Like, hello, it's 2010!
[ Laughter ] Hold on. Hold on.
This...is...not...
my...phone. -Okay.
-Seth, can I do a minstrel show,
real quick? -No!
-Okay, fine. You're reverse racist.
That's even worse.
Ingrid! Ingrid!
I hate her.
[ Laughter ] Seth, what'd you ask for,
for Christmas? -I don't wanna tell you.
-Would you relax? I'm just asking you
what you want for Christmas.
-Okay, well, I was hoping to get the new iPad.
-I asked for an end to genocide.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, come on.
-Okay?
So, maybe next time you're on your new iPad...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -...look up how to be
a decent human being. -Alright. You know what?
[ Laughter ] I think I should just take a lap
and meet some other people. -Wait. Give me like
40 more minutes. -No.
-I gotta show you this thing my friend Trevor made.
-I don't -- -He's like gay, but he only
hooks up with women.
[ Laughter ]
It's origami.
-Oh, that's great.
-That's Spanish for "goose."
[ Laughter and applause ] -No, it isn't.
We --
We don't have time for this. I think you should go.
-Okay, fine, I'll go.
But I have 14 words for you, Seth.
-Oh, boy. -Peace...
-Uh-huh. -...fam-i-ly,
sustainable farming,
[ Laughter ] don't kick pigeons,
[ Laughter ] reading is our future,
and minstrel show.
Close your eyes, Seth. Watch.
-No, I don't want to. -No, close 'em. Watch.
Open 'em.
Whoa-oa!
[ Laughter ]
Welcome to America, Seth. [ Laughter ]
The Girl at a Party You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, summer's right around the corner.
Here, with her summer vacation plans is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Welcome back. Thanks. Great to be here.
-Okay. So, Girl at a Party, what are you up to this summer?
-Oh, I don't know.
Maybe i'll be thinking about Syr-i-a.
Heard of it much?
[ Laughter ] -So, I'm sorry.
You're gonna spend the summer thinking about Syria?
-Yeah. 'Cause people need to wake up, Seth.
And also, they need to sleep more, okay?
[ Laughter ] There are high school students
who can't even point out India
on a map of Africa, okay?
[ Laughter ] It's a disgrace.
It's an atrastity.
It's like why don't you buy knowledge, Seth?
Trick question. It's free.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm sorry. What are you saying?
-Okay, don't believe everything you read on TV, Seth.
There are 90-year-olds dying every single day.
It's like, "Oh, thanks, Congress."
[ Laughter ]
So, why don't you just jump off a bridge
with everyone else, Seth?
'Cause you're a lemon.
-I'm sorry. A what?
[ Laughter ] -A lemon.
-Are you saying lemming or lemon?
-Exactly.
[ Laughter ] Because, for all intensive porpoises,
you're a facade.
-Alright, can I ask you something
that's actually happening in the world?
-Oh, I don't know. Can you?
Or were you asking if you may?
[ Laughter ] It's called grammar, Seth.
Ask a dictionary.
[ Laughter ] 'Cause guess what.
They're coming to America, whether you like it or not.
[ Laughter ]
-Who's coming?
-Cicadas, Seth!
[ Laughter ]
So tell me this. Truth or false?
-About what?
-Exactly.
[ Laughter ]
And that's the choice women have to make every single day.
[ Laughter and applause ] And they're getting half as much
to do it. Oh. Alana! Alana!
-I'm sorry. Who are you talking to?
-That's my friend Alana.
She's disgusting.
[ Laughter ] Seth,
what'd you gonna do -- what did you do
for Spring Break? -Oh, for Spring Break?
Some friends and I went to the Bahamas.
-I went to Rwanda, okay? [ Laughter ]
I heard about an awesome hotel there in a movie I saw.
Maybe you've heard of it.
"Madagascar"?
[ Laughter ]
-Sorry. What are you doing?
-Oh, I wanna give you something.
I printed out my Facebook statuses
from the past six years. -I don't want that.
-Oh, Seth. I need to show you something.
Do you have like a lighter or matches
and like a copy of the Constitution?
-We don't have time for this! -Fine.
Oh, ah-choo!
Oh, sorry, Seth.
I must be allergic to indifference.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, boy.
-News flash, Seth.
People who are orphans are twice as likely
to not have parents.
[ Laughter ]
And there are people in Asia, Seth,
like hundreds of them, okay?
[ Laughter ]
Do me a favor, okay?
Pick a number between 1 and 10.
-Seven. -Wrong.
[ Laughter ] The answer was genocide.
-Okay.
[ Laughter ] -So, now, you're the statistics.
-The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party, everyone.
-An outbreak of the Ebola virus continues to spread
through Western Africa,
with America and other countries scrambling to help.
Here, with her take on this sensitive subject, is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Hello.
Welcome back.
-So, where have you been?
-I went on my birth rate trip to Israel.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Really? Are you Jewish?
-Wow!
The fact that you would even ask me that
makes you a spigot.
And, no, I'm not Jewish.
-Okay. So, what do you think about this Ebola outbreak?
-What do I think about it?
Michael, it's all I'm thinking about, okay?
I'm thinking about it
25/7, okay?
[ Laughter ] 'Cause this isn't just an outbreak, Michael.
-Mm-hmm. -It's an outrage, okay?
It's an Obama-nation.
It's uncomprehend-ible.
[ Laughter ] And these people
aren't even sick of Ebola.
They're sick of the hypocrity.
[ Laughter ]
-No, I think they're also sick from the Ebola,
which is what we were here to talk about --
-Okay, let me mansplain this
[ Laughter ] for you, in terms you can
man-derstand, okay?
[ Laughter ] 'Cause right now -- sorry --
but you look like a broken record.
You're being, like, a fetishous dictator, okay?
[ Laughter ]
Ugh. Swipe left. Okay.
[ Laughter ] 'Cause this might like
"shock" you, but most Americans only use
10% of my brain.
[ Laughter ]
And, Michael, no offense,
but that's how they're getting across our border.
Like why are we even?
[ Laughter ]
-Why are we even what?
Are we gonna talk about Ebola?
Because, if not, there's other --
-People need to wake up, -Okay.
-Michael!
We're living in a post-facial society.
[ Laughter ] Walmart, Happy Meals,
the winter Olympics.
There are babies in China
who don't even know they're adults.
[ Laughter ]
And it's like every five minutes, another species.
[ Laughter ]
-Another species what?
-Exactly.
Pkkhh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ] I just blew your brains out.
I just blew your brains out.
And it's like I hate to burn your bubble, but,
but if Neil grass Tyson is that smart,
why bite that guy's ear off?
[ Laughter ]
I gotta give you something.
Do you have a crush on anyone right now?
Don't. say. me.
-Well, actually, there is this girl, Jessica,
that -- -I have a crush on Gandhi!
But I'm sure Jessica discovered India, too.
[ Laughter ]
Who is that guy?
-That's Colin.
-He looks like my ex.
He died at Burning Man.
[ Laughter ]
This is an authentic Mexican jumping bean.
I got it at Urban Outfitters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Devon! Devon!
-Who are you yelling at? -Devon.
She's my scariest friend.
You have like really kind eyes.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Can I take a selfie with you?
-I guess.
[ Laughter ]
-My dad's gonna really hate that.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Alright. Girl at a Party, everyone.
-Devon, don't [drowned out]
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪