- You are so cute! - I know.
You have a girlfriend yet?
No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
So you're never gonna get married?
Nah, as long as I got someone to clean my house
and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
I heard Mom say the reason Uncle Charlie gets in so much trouble
is because he thinks with his little head.
It's not that little.
What do men have that women don't?
Beards?
Lower.
Beards.
Good Lord, are you picking your nose?
I had to, there was stuff in it.
And where were you planning to put it?
I really didn't have a plan.
So what's new in school?
I almost got an A on my paper.
What do you mean 'almost'?
I got a C.
I've got a surprise for ya.
It's not more food, is it?
I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
No, you're gonna get to do something that I'll bet
no other boy in your class has ever done.
If it's sex, Mitchell Fineman already saw his cousin naked.
- No, this is better than sex? - What?
How would he know?
You're gonna learn to dance ballet.
Wanna bet?
Everyone, I'd like you to meet our new student, Jake.
- Hi, Jake. - Yeah, hi.
OK, let's start in first position.
Jake, do you know first position?
Is that like missionary position?
- What are you making? - Breakfast.
Have you considered orange juice and a piece of toast?
It's in there.
[burping]
Jake?
Hang on.
[burping]
Whoa, that one hurt a little.
How are you liking the pizza your old Uncle Charlie bought
especially for his little buddy?
It's good.
Save room, I've got a half gallon of that double fudge
brownie ice cream you like.
- I don't know, I'm pretty stuffed. - You sure?
Maybe after I poop.
Jake, you can help me in the kitchen if you'd like.
I'm making chocolate éclairs for dessert and I need an official taster.
I like her.
Will you look at that, they're bonding already.
Alan, your kid would join the Taliban if they made their own s'mores.
Hey look, I'm a rabid dog, ahh!
Don't forget to clean on the outside, that's all you.
- And the floor and the wall. - OK, OK!
How the hell did you hit the wall anyways?
I don't know, it just gets away from me sometimes.
You want another Goofy Juice?
Aren't you the sweetest.
Now before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night?
- No. - Make some.
I'm gonna need the house to myself.
Fine.
Don't you wanna know why?
Uh, Jake if you're done you can go to your room and start your homework.
Oh, this is about sex, right?
Jake, Jake, go to your room.
If you wanna talk about sex then why don't you go to your room?
Alan, I need to talk to you.
- OK. - Alone.
Gotta be about sex.
The parental code to unlock the pay channels is 1234.
1234...
I should've known.
Hi there, I like you very much.
Please don't do that.
Do what? I'm just being nice.
Jake, I have wonderful news.
From now on, as part of each lesson we're gonna spend time
casting demons out of you. It's the devil that's making him stupid.
I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan.
I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Me too.
But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Hey guys, check it out.
- Pull me finger. - OK.
[farting]
And they shall call him Jake.