- I've heard some stereotypes about you guys, too.
You know, lived in Britain for a while.
I learned that when you guys go abroad on holiday
you guys behave like dicks.
(crowd laughs)
Do you know that about yourselves?
I don't think it's accurate because
have you ever been to a Butlin's?
You are a dicks domestically, too.
It's not a geography problem here, right?
We all know Butlin's, right, give me a cheer?
(crowd cheers)
Holy shit.
(sighs) It's part of British culture I wish I never learned.
Had the worst gig of my life there last year.
You know when you walk past the Wetherspoons
at two in the afternoon?
Imagine if all those people went to a resort.
(crowd laughs)
Just alcoholics in sandals...
You want to see third-world people in a first-world country?
Butlin's, that's where you go!
To watch a Jeremy Kyle show by the beach.
It's like a white-only refugee camp.
We got to deport those Butlin's people.
Send them all to Australia, again.
(crowd laughs)
Yeah, nobody else out of the UK knows Butlin's!
You know, Max, you know Butlin's?
No, right?
It's a very British thing.
I'm the only one who knows.
There is no Italian guy out there going,
"Oh, Fabio, I want to try something different.
"Butlin's, Minehead!"
No, it's Britain's best kept secret
let's keep it that way.
Here's how I explain Butlin's to foreign people, alright?
Like, it's a seaside resort that will make you
pro-global warming.
You go in there like, "Melt the icecaps,
"drown those fuckers, please!"
"Why are we still recycling?"
And you even advertise for Butlin's, right?
Newspapers and magazines and every Butlin's ad,
I don't know if you've seen this but every Butlin's ad shows
the sun setting, a nice beach, a nice chalet.
Notice how they'll never ever show you the people, right?
Without the people, "Oh, this looks kinda nice!"
With the people it's a fucking horror film.
Best place to go to feel better about your life.
Let's lose your job, lose your house, lose your wife,
go into a Butlin's, "Huh, I'm doing okay!"
(crowd laughs)
"At least I still have most of my teeth!"
40 teeth, the crowd, total.
When they were booing me,
it was just pink gums looking back at me.
Ugh!
You can afford all those tattoos,
but you can't afford a toothbrush!
(crowd laughs)
Is that how much you pay per night at a Butlin's
based on how many teeth you have left?
(mumbles) "Check in, please."
"Free for you, sir, please."
I was like, "No, get back your caravan you freaks."
Oh!
(laughing)
Trump should build a wall right around Minehead!
(crowd laughing)
Yeah, that was something I should have said to them, okay?
They didn't like me there.
(laughing)
It's a booking error, man.
They don't want to see me there.
They probably never talked to an Asian person before
without ordering anything.
(crowd laughing)
Here's how much they hated me that afternoon, man.
Butlin's, Minehead, adult weekend, oh boy.
People are probably getting fingered
next to a bin, you know?
(crowd laughing)
Isn't that the most romantic thing you can do at a Butlin's?
Get some redcoat to finger you, right?
(laughing)
I was booked to do 20 minutes at that gig,
I lasted eight minutes.
Security had to come escort me away.
And you know you fucked up if at a comedy gig,
security comes for you.
Yeah, two blokes are trying to climb on the stage,
you know, and they both had shaved heads
and white T-shirts on,
you know, the business casual version of the KKK outfit?
"There's no hood for me today, Steve,
"casual Friday's innit?"
(crowd laughing and clapping)
Yeah, I don't see that look here.
Thank you for dressing up.
I'll wager a guess,
you guys are pretty middle class here in Bath, right?
Yeah, don't tense up,
you guys tense up when I call you middle class.
You worked hard for it, you know, own it.
You worked hard to inherit that house.
You deserve all the halloumi and ski trips, okay?
Enjoy.
Don't let the liberals tell you how to feel.
(laughs)
If you like that shaved head and white T-shirt look
you gotta soften it up so minorities don't fear you, right?
Shaved head, white T-shirt.
Wear a Fitbit.
(crowd laughs)
No racist guy wears that.
What? Stab me and run away,
"Oh, 5000 steps, yeah!"
What an active lifestyle!
So, thanks for not being Butlin's, Minehead,
I appreciate it, okay?
(laughs)