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One day you're at the zoo enjoying your time at the primate exhibit.
Suddenly you watch a small kid run up to the glass and taunt a giant gorilla, only for
his father to come rushing after him and shoo him away from the glass, warning him not to
taunt the animals.
You scoff, gorillas are dumb, and besides, that glass is pretty thick.
Thinking you'll have yourself a good laugh, you take a banana and press yourself against
the class, mocking the big dumb ape as you chow down on a delicious banana.
With a terrible roar, the enraged gorilla raises his fists high and smashes down on
the glass, shattering it into a billion pieces.
He looks at you with twin desires in his eyes - bananas... and your blood.
What happens when you the average joe, is up against a fully grown silverback gorilla?
So you thought it'd be funny to taunt a fully grown 400 lb gorilla and now he's out for
your blood, how are you going to defeat this force of natural fury?
As always, we'll first get to know your enemy before we plot how to defeat it.
The first documented encounter with gorillas is believed to have been in 500 BC, when a
Carthaginian explorer ran into what he believed was a tribe that he described as a “people,
the greater part of whom were women, whose bodies were hairy, and whom our interpreters
called Gorillae”.
Yet because of their very low population numbers and tiny geographic distribution, gorillas
largely remained the stuff of folklore until the mid 1800s, when an American missionary
brought back a specimen from Liberia.
Stories of the hairy mountain giants had long been told, and gorillas were often thought
of as the Bigfoot of their time- except in this case bodies were eventually discovered
and science proved them to be real animals.
Not too distant human relatives, gorillas move around by knuckle-walking, though like
many great apes they can also walk on two feet for short distances.
They also often raise themselves up onto two feet in aggressive defensive displays, the
added stature meant to intimidate an opponent.
Males can weigh between 300 and 430 lbs (136 to 195 kg), with females weighing about half
as much.
The males can also stand up to a height of 5 feet 11 inches (1.8 meters), with an arm
span of up to 8 and a half feet (2.6 m).
They live in groups as most great apes do and have a very strict social hierarchy, all
led by one dominant male known as the Silverback.
The silverback is the big cheese of the gorilla troop, and his dominance is unquestionable.
The largest, meanest gorilla in the group, he typically does not tolerate other males-
though some troops do have males who remain attached to the group and are subordinate
to the silverback.
Usually though males leave their troops when they reach maturity and try to start new troops
with other wandering females.
The silverback makes all of the group's decisions, and as such the survival of the troop is firmly
in his hands- he decides where to eat and when to eat, and if trouble arises he is responsible
for keeping the troop safe, sometimes with the help of subordinate males known as blackbacks.
Despite their incredible strength and ferocity, gorillas are actually quite docile and gentle
beings, with big silverbacks often preferring to conduct what are known as mock charges
rather than openly fight.
These charges can be so terrifying to observers though that gorillas have gained a completely
undeserved reputation for being savage and bloodthirsty, when truthfully attacks against
humans or even fighting inside the troop is extremely rare.
Given their size and incredible strength though, it's understandable that people would fear
the mighty gorilla.
As far as strengths, well, the gorilla has almost unbelievable physical strength.
Adult males are strong enough to rip banana trees out of the ground, something you may
want to think about next time you're weeding a garden and struggling to rip out some puny
weeds.
If it really wanted to, a gorilla could literally rip you limb from limb, and the fact that
they don't do this to humans who encroach on their habitat goes a long way to show how
gentle these giants actually are.
Gorillas are also among the most intelligent animals in the world, and many of you have
probably heard of Koko, the gorilla who was taught to use sign language.
They can use basic tools, such as using sticks to gauge the depth of water before crossing
it, and some gorillas have even been observed using fallen branches as improvised clubs.
Gorillas are also extremely social and emotional creatures, and they are known to laugh and
grieve.
Different groups of gorillas have been observed using their own specific different methods
of food preparation and some researchers even believe that gorillas have spiritual feelings
and religious sentiments.
So you're up against a full-grown silverback gorilla who's smart enough to use basic tools,
but doesn't really need any because it can simply rip your arm off and beat you to death
with it.
How are you possibly going to defeat this foe?
First off, we are once more putting you up against an adversary with no special powers,
no demonic influence, and no psychic or psionic talents to call upon.
Gorillas are just flesh and blood and can barely use simple tools, so we think it's
only fair to ban you from using high powered rifles and other tools which would make this
a ridiculously easy fight.
Instead we're gonna go mano-a-mano against a full grown silverback gorilla... well, sort
of.
You'll see.
The first thing you're going to want to do is the very thing which is likely your first
instinct to do: run.
In the wild this is extremely inadvisable- if you've seen our episode on what to do if
an animal attacks, you'll know that many animals such as elephants and lions conduct mock charges
in order to intimidate trespassers.
These mock charges are typically highly aggressive and look like the real deal, but statistically
speaking they are far more often than not, exactly that: a mock charge.
Gorillas are no different, and like many animals if you flee from the mock charge it can trigger
an instinct to chase by showing you are weaker and afraid.
This can often end disastrously for you- but in this case, you already know that Koko is
coming to rip your head off with her bare hands, so you might as well risk it and run
as fast as you can.
But you need to pick your route well, because on flat ground a gorilla can run roughly as
fast as a human for short distances.
However gorillas are naturally very cautious creatures, so if you flee using a route with
many obstacles, the gorilla will be leery of following at a full sprint, allowing you
the time to get some breathing room to think of a plan to defeat this not-so-gentle-giant.
The main problem with fighting a gorilla without weapons is that no matter how much time you’ve
spent in the gym, you still have those wimpy little human arms to fight with, and the gorilla
could pop those off you and beat you to death with them without so much as a second thought.
Even chimpanzees, which are a fraction the size of a gorilla, are far stronger than humans,
and capable of inflicting some horrible injuries.
Because reproduction is so important in the wild, gorillas and chimpanzees both like to
mangle the sexual organs of rival males- so if you're a guy and think you might find yourself
in this situation, we recommend you wear a cup.
But that’s not all you’re going to need to wear.
The US military has for years taken inspiration from Japanese anime and tried to develop a
functional power armor system.
Working prototypes have been built and even field-tested, but the bulky power armors all
required an umbilical plug in to a huge power source, not something that would be very realistic
or practical to do in a combat environment.
Just this year though American robot developer Sarcos Robotics brought the world that much
closer to a bad-ass power armored future by signing a contract with the United States
Special Operations Command to deliver a pre-production, full-body robotic exoskeleton.
The unit, known as Guardian XO, allows a soldier to lift loads up to 200 lbs (90 kg) with ease,
and repeatedly, for over eight hours.
Yet despite the incredible power it delivers, the unit is so dexterous that it allows its
operator to also do delicate and nimble tasks, such as tying your shoelaces without ripping
your own feet off.
Best of all, while power armor of the past draw as much as 6000 watts, the Guardian draws
only 400 watts with a battery life of eight hours.
While details on the exact modifications that will be made to the power armor built for
the US's most elite special forces are classified, we can guess that the suits are going to make
fighting off gorilla attacks with your bare fists a total cakewalk- as well as punching
terrorists through seven brick walls.
What we're trying to say is, the future just got a lot more bad ass.
Having bought yourself time enough to slip into your classified suit of Guardian armor,
you're going to go hand to robot hand with the hairy beast.
The gorilla may have evolution and mountains of natural strength on its side, but you have
decades of anime inspired human technological genius on yours.
Plus, a few martial arts moves.
An uppercut to the jaw backed up by hundreds of pounds of mechanical strength will shatter
the gorilla's massive canines, cutting out the risk of being ripped apart by its terrible
teeth.
Its furious fists will be easily blocked by your titanium alloy enhanced power arms, and
a kick to the groin packing several hundred pounds of mechanical force will end this fight
in seconds.
With power armor straight out of a Fallout game on your side, you're going to easily
come out on top of this death match.
And with gorillas rapidly going extinct by human encroachment on their habitat, you're
really just sparing the big silverback a sad future of wasting away in captivity, knowing
that its entire species is at an end and he is likely the last of his kind.
Murder is basically a mercy in this case!
So pat yourself on the back, because you're the winner both in this deathmatch and in
real life, and then get yourself to a hospital because you probably forgot you were wearing
power armor and just shattered your spine.
Ok, so you needed a little, let’s say, outside help to deal with this gorilla on your back,
but sometimes you need the power of technology, like when you’re building a website.
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Their extensive knowledge base is always available to help you tackle any problem, well maybe
not how to deal with an enraged gorilla but almost any other problem, and their subscription
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How would you defeat a full-grown silverback gorilla?
Let us know in the comments!
And if you enjoyed this fight check out another epic matchup in your You Versus series, or
suggest some epic matchups of your own in the comments below!
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