Keto is a way of eating where you lower carbs and increase fat until your body gets into a state of ketosis,
where fat becomes your fuel, your appetite plummets,
you lose a bunch of weight, you get a perfect body, your car starts running better,
you can win any argument, and your dance moves improve by up to 73 percent.
[Intro] You suck at CARBS yeah you totally suck.
Now before you get into making any keto snacks, you want to make sure there's no lingering rice dust or potato particles on your cutting board.
The first keto snack we'll make is pork rinds and avocado.
The pork rinds give you that crackery experience,
if you can get on board with deep-fried pig crackers.
If you're less lazy than me
you'll just make guacamole. Or you can eat the pork crisps on their own.
The next keto snack is pecans, or Brazil nuts.
These low-carb nuts make a great snack,
but you got to be careful not to over eat them.
These are best snacked on while whispering, "carbs are the devil".
The next keto snack is a hard-boiled egg.
This is especially good for keto since orb-shaped foods take up more room in your stomach than flat foods.
Slice it in half, add some salt, a bit of mayo, and some pepper pepper pepper,
and you have the laziest deviled egg of all time.
If you mix up your hard-boileds with your no boils,
you can easily tell the difference by giving your egg a swift spin, and then cracking it to see whether or not it's boiled.
Yep, that's boiled.
Our next keto snack is olives, which are naturally low carb and high fat.
You can also take two olives, attach them with a toothpick,
and I mean, do you even oli-urghh-ft?
Okay. Every once in a while you want to wrap a wangjangler
in a wet rag and wave it through the space to absorb some of the carbs
that the government injects into the air to keep you addicted.
The next keto snack is a piece of cheese.
The next keto snack is a dill pickle.
The next keto snack is a dill pickle and cheese sandwich.
Just thinly slice your dill pickle with the cheese inside, and I really didn't need to explain that.
The next keto snack is a salami-cheese roll-up.
Not only will these little rolls make you lose half a pound with every bite,
if you punch holes in them, you can make a little cheese-salami flute
(cheese-salami flute noises)
and make a bunch of new friends in the process.
Our next keto snack is a turkey romaine slab. Take a romaine leaf, slather it in mayo,
throw on a layer of turkey, add some avocado,
some salt, and pepper pepper pepper, then dabble with hot sauce.
Damn, that's a good slab.
Remember, that lettuce is your bread now.
Cheese sandwich.
Avocado sandwich.
Salami sandwich.
Nut sandwich.
Lettuce sandwich.
But there is a place for bread in keto. Our next snack is a bun with a teaspoon of sugar.
Just sprinkle that on, then say,:
"I DON'T NEED YOU! I'M BETTER THAN THAT!"
That's more of a snack to keep your mind strong.
Our next keto snack is a spoonful of peanut butter and a glass of almond milk.
If you're European or Australian and therefore genetically predisposed to hate peanut butter,
remember, I'm talking about the natural stuff, which is just peanuts. There's nothing else in it.
I'm sure that will help you to fall in love with this thick creamy peanut goo.
Our next keto snack is celery sticks with artichoke asiago dip
or any other fatty low-carb dip.
Celery is great because it's chock full of fiber strings, which help wrangle the fat through the old body system.
I've also been told that celery and peanut paste tastes good.
(Crunch sounds)
Tastes like peanut butter on nothing. 10/10. Oh look,
it's time for dessert. 90% dark chocolate. YUM
And it doesn't taste like chalk if you let it melt in your mouth first,
and if you combine it with peanut glue, then you've really got something.
Now that you've got some snack ideas,
you need to learn how to work keto into the conversation.
A good one is:
That reminds me of the time I was on keto, which is right now.
But in all sincerity, the reason people are pretty excited about keto,
is because after a lifetime of being conditioned to believe fat is evil
suddenly it's become clear that you can eat more fat and lose weight
if you go about it the right way, which after overeating carbs
our whole lives, is some kind of witchcraft, wrapped in a miracle, covered in cheese and bacon.
Which means they LIED TO US! or they didn't know any better. Let's not be too quick to assign blame
(Cheese salami flute beautiful sounds)
Hey, guess what. That Turkey Romaine Slab is on page 105 of my book, in the sandwiches chapter.
It's 1 of 9 chapters in the book which has over 60 recipes,
way too many words, and it comes out on October 15th. If you want to pre-order, there's a link below.
Thaaaaaaaanks.