we're joined now
by senior political analyst Hasan Minhaj, everybody.
(cheering, applause)
Hasan, how are you fearing... feeling right now?
Trevor, like many Americans, I have spent the last 12 hours
refreshing the Canadian immigration Web site,
which keeps crashing.
So, I am panicking,
because melanin doesn't rub off.
But look, Donald Trump won.
We got to take the L.
He spoke to people who felt ignored by Washington
and wanted their jobs back. And I understand.
I don't quite get how you get there by electing a guy
who collept... collects bankruptcies
the way Michael Jordan collects rings,
but okay, they deserve to be heard.
And last night we heard them.
But I can't forget something else I heard.
On December 7, 2015, Donald Trump
called for a total and complete shutdown
of Muslims entering the United States.
I remember that date because it's the birthday
of the worst (bleep) day of my life!
Seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying?
Even if that's not why most people voted for him,
open racism should just be a deal breaker.
You personally may not be a racist, sexist, xenophobe,
but that comes with the package. Right?
Like, if a car comes with heated seats,
you may not want them, but you'll take them.
Yeah, but then if the seats go,
"Hey, don't sit on me, camel jockey."
You should be like, "Hey! I don't want the car."
Makes sense.
So if you take that deal,
what you're telling me is, "Hey, man, I don't hate you.
I just don't care about you."
I hear you, Hasan, I hear you.
Uh, but Islamophobia in America is nothing new.
You've encountered this many, many times since 9/11.
Have I pretended to be Puerto Rican a few times since 9/11?
Claro que si.
But...
it used to be, when I walked on a plane,
I could feel the stares and suspicion.
And it sucked.
But at least I knew the president of the United States
had my back.
Mostly because he's also a Muslim.
We can say it now. It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter! He's Muslim, okay?
Okay? Who gives a (bleep)?
But now that asshole in seat 21B,
calling the flight attendant, trying to get me thrown off
the plane, now that guy is the president.
Plus, I also think he's groping the lady sitting next to him.
And, look, I don't want people thinking, like, "Aw.
"Aw, that poor little Muslim boy, that little brown boy,
your life is tough." No, it's all of us.
It's not just Muslims or Mexicans or African-Americans--
it is all of us, whether it's your citizenship,
marriage rights, freedom of speech,
Donald Trump is gonna move on them like a bitch.
That was his line. You just quoted his line.
-Yeah. -That's what he said.
Y-You know though that there is... there is a chance--
and I know it's weird to say this--
there is a chance that maybe
he'll end up being more moderate.
Oh, diet xenophobia. That's cool.
Low-calorie racism. Mmm. Like, what?
This is a true story.
My mom is out of the country right now.
She's visiting my grandma.
And she's a U.S. citizen. She's lived here 30 years.
She's on the phone with me last night,
and she's like, "Hasan, I don't know if I can come back
"until February.
Am I gonna be able to get back into the country?"
And the fact that I can't tell her yes
with 100% certainty is heartbreaking.
And there are a lot of people telling me, "Hey, man,
don't worry. Trump's not really gonna ban all Muslims."
But I don't know, man. That is my mom.
And I need her back home, because I love her
and she owes me $300.
(laughter)
Thank you, Hasan.
Hasan Minhaj, everybody.