Let's not pretend this isn't weird.
- Hi, Dad. - How you doing?
- I never wanted any of this. - You kind of asked for it,
you know, with the roaming penis of it all.
This is where we are now.
I can't start over
with every yenta in town talking about my divorce.
Well, you've been watching upskirt videos all day.
Chadwick must've upskirted half the school.
Hey, I'm not watching, I'm listening.
You know, I really hate it.
- Hate what? - That they're smarter than us.
- Ten dollars, right? - These are on me.
- But I only asked for one. - What?
You want me to join you for a drink right now?
Dominating win for Hurley Ho.
Can I make a gameplay suggestion?
Don't come out too strong.
Did you patch things up with Hook?
It's just, I'm not comfortable using the Student Council
for illegal activities.
It's all legal as far as you know.
Tell Hook I unlock the snack bar two hours before game time
and to not involve me in whatever
[upbeat music playing]
[Farrah]
this amazing ability to share and reshare
our connection to the outside world,
but we neglect the one we're actually walking in?
If we want to feel outrage,
why do we bury ourselves in our newsfeed?
There's plenty of injustice right in front of us to go around.
Where's Hurley?
You seen this Buzzfeed video yet?
I saw it.
Gosh, it's horrifying.
I mean, these are children.
[drumline music playing]
- This is normal. - [loud clattering]
Whatever that sound is, it's getting closer.
Uh... should we be running?
[clattering]
What is this?
The school is cutting girls cross-country and lacrosse.
They say they don't have the money for them.
I'm not getting the bras.
It's part of the protest. Like bra burning in the '60s.
Oh, bra burning wasn't a real thing.
It was a myth. You can Google it.
Sorry. Why is there suddenly no money?
I don't know, but if I don't play,
I don't get a scholarship.
Farrah:
of sea turtles 1,000 miles away from home,
you'd better also be willing to fight for the friend
who has stood by your side since you were eight.
- [mic feedback] - [theme song plays]
♪ In a manner of speaking ♪
♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all ♪
How is the protest this morning not the top story right now?
Because it's girls cross-country and lacrosse. Nobody cares.
Angry girls waving metal bats is a huge story.
I suppose the no-bra angle could generate some clicks.
I can make a jiggle .gif of Jane with the Ds.
Okay, I realize most of your posts are hot indexes
and new-couple alerts,
but sometimes the gig is actually important.
Don't make this about something it's not.
[quietly] I'm kidding.
I will give the protest the juice it deserves.
[whispers] Thank you.
I don't care what they do as long as they don't cut
- chick volleyball. - You're into girl's volleyball?
I'm into camel-toe shorts.
How exactly did they afford
to resod the football field this year?
And what about that brand-new scoreboard outside?
Yeah, the football team takes
five buses of fans to away games.
How do they not have enough money for girls cross-country?
It's just girls and land. Someone needs to explain this.
I heard the athletic director
wasn't even in the building this morning.
Ooh, and the Jayne's gettin' tricky.
And I'm pretty sure Principal Cowher
is still hiding under her desk, so.
Which is why we're gonna do it in front of the school tomorrow.
Ooh, braless girls in front of the school.
- That'll wake this town up. - Uh-huh.
What time are you guys marching?
What do you mean "you guys"?
I'm not on a sports team.
You were just complaining about human cruelty two hours ago.
And you freed the nip in protest.
I mean, what was that, just a cool thing to do
for a good Instagram post?
What are we actually protesting?
I mean, the fact that the girls team didn't sell enough brownies?
This isn't human trafficking.
Let's keep it all in perspective.
How about the fact that no boys teams got cut?
Sometimes girls sports just get screwed.
The US women's soccer team makes half of what the men make,
and they're actually good.
So what was all this for you?
Just make some noise and hope it all works out?
- [scoffs] - What about you?
You saw
I'm always down for a fight.
Good, maybe we should do something
a little more than protest.
What do you want me to do?
Well, if we want to know where the money's going,
we have to know how much is coming in.
Do you think you could find out how much
- the fundraisers bring in? - Oh, so use my girl power.
I never said that I wasn't into the fight.
I probably have a girl power, too, that I could use.
You want a girl power?
How about a trump card, twat bags?
Are you and Plain watching "how to win at bridge" videos
- on YouTube? - Grace gave us a few tips.
It's just girls working together.
You should support the U-N-I-T-Y.
That's incredibly annoying.
[drumline music playing]
We've lost five games in a row.
What do you think Grace told them?
I think the question is
I mean, the tips are clearly a passive-aggression.
Really? Grace seems kinda mousy for any aggression,
even a passive one.
Maybe she just wants to keep us as new friends.
Madame President doesn't need us anymore.
She has plenty of new friends.
The little mousy is quicker on her feet than you think.
Do you remember in her election speech
when she said, "Candidate Ilo said a few minutes ago
that you don't know me, but you do"?
I mean, I didn't write that. I wrote most of her speech.
But I couldn't have written that part.
That was Grace reacting to Ilo's speech
in the moment, and she crushed it.
All I'm saying is don't sleep on mousy
because a pile of passive aggressions
usually leads to an aggressive aggression.
I'll keep an eye on her, but what should I do
about the other thing while With-a-Y does her thing?
Just protest your face off tomorrow.
I'll see if I can dig up anything tonight.
[girl]
I have a purpose on the field.
But if I'm standing alone with nothing to do,
I get antsy, and I want to leave.
Please wear pants. Please wear pant-- pants!
Hide your stiff sock
and put your hands where I can see 'em!
Did I actually catch you watching porn this time?
What was it? Plushie?
Time stop. Oh, begging.
Your vast knowledge of weirdo porn is not going unnoticed.
Eh. Birds of a feather. So what are you hiding?
Nothing. I was, you know, logging the Chadwick tapes.
Oh, yeah? Where's the paper?
It was there.
Mm-hmm. Who were you watching?
- Nobody. - Well, you shut that laptop
pretty quickly, so it has to be someone.
It was just this freshman with social anxiety.
It's not a big deal.
Similar to yours, or...
I don't know. She barely says.
Now did you come here to ride me,
or do you actually need something?
So she's a she. Is that why the paper was down?
No, God, no.
Clearly you're hiding something
because you closed the laptop very quickly.
Then when I asked you about it, you said it was a freshman
instead of a freshman girl,
which is a very convenient leave-out.
It's not a convenient leave-out.
You can just say that you're interested in her.
It's cute. What's her name?
Why do I have to tell you her name?
You never talk to me you about Will,
or any other guys, for that matter.
Yeah, because I don't want to make you jealous.
Now who is it?
- Fine, it's Hannah Hampton. - Ilo's sister.
No wonder you didn't want to tell me.
And PS, I tell you way more about me than I do anyone else.
- Including Hurley. - [car approaches]
- Oh, your mom's home. - Using me to get my mom. It's a dick move.
I'm not using you, and speaking of dick moves,
Ilo will totally kick your ass
if he finds out that you're interested in his sister.
- Don't manipulate my mom. - She loves me.
I realize that your primary goal is to keep order in the school,
but you're also a strong, independent woman
and a feminist.
I like to think of myself that way.
And on top of all of that, you're raising a semi-normal son
who I'm sure you want to respect women.
Okay, that's a little heavy-handed, Farrah.
I know I went a little too far with the "semi-normal" bit.
I get what you're driving at.
It's devastating to lose funding
for any art or sports, especially women's sports,
but that's just how school budgets work.
I just don't understand how we could have
a brand-new scoreboard on the football field,
yet we have to cut girls teams altogether.
Well, that scoreboard is used for girls soccer
and field hockey.
I love your passion, but the money just isn't there.
I mean, maybe if more people came out to support
our girls, then we could sell more snacks
at the snack bar and maybe even sell a few tickets.
I know, I go to every single one of the games.
Girls soccer's playing right now.
Then I am late for a game.
- Bye, Farrah. - Bye, Mrs. Cowher.
- Wait. - What?
Who are you? That was not combative at all.
And yet I got all the info that I need.
What info?
I need to know where the buck starts
and where it ends, and neither is with your mom.
- Which means? - Someone else is holding the purse.
Are you really going to a girls soccer game?
- I really am. - Why?
Good luck with Hannah.
Don't ruin your entire sock collection.
[players shouting]
[line out rings]
[Jayne]
- Hey. -
All good.
I need you to find something else out.
And this requires use of your
Okay, what do you need?
- [Plain Jane] What's the story? - I'll call you back.
Do you always deliver your product to the snack bar
while an actual game is going on?
Welcome to
- Except it's day. - Right.
No one of consequence is ever here.
So our real water goes here on the left,
and our loaded stuff here on the right.
Okay. This is actually kind of fun.
I know. It turns out doing something naughty,
kind of enjoyable. Who knew?
I had no idea you guys were such big fans of girls soccer.
Or each other.
What are you doing here?
- Supporting the girls team. - [laughs] Okay.
I'm gonna go grab another load.
Hook and I are just hanging out.
- I didn't ask. - I'm just saying so you know.
You know, when I first saw you, I actually thought
you were here to get more bridge tips from Grace.
Isn't that right, Grace?
Just thought you might get tired of winning all the time.
But if it bothers you, I can back off.
No, I like the competition.
Where does the money from the snack bar go?
- Hook's goes in his pocket. - The stuff you sell.
Goes to the AD's office. Why?
No reason.
I don't know why that felt so weird with Farrah.
It's like my mom caught me having Skype sex.
Are you talking about setting up the snack bar thing?
Or just about, like, getting caught with me in general?
Both, but really the you part.
You don't have to feel weird.
I mean, we haven't done anything yet.
Yet?
I assume things just got weirder?
A whole lot weirder.
[camera shutter clicking]
Sorry.
Hey.
All right, here's all the fundraising numbers
I could get my hands on.
- It's not a little bit of cash. - And that other thing?
The ladies and I had a little chat
with the dude who runs the football ticket booth.
And let me guess, they drop off the cash
at a former football hero's office.
Why, yes, he does.
I also found out that this hero won't be in his office
until after 11:00 just in case you wanted to talk to him.
Rock star. Get a hall pass for 11:15.
[drumline music playing]
[door opens]
- Hey. - Hey. So what's the plan?
We're gonna talk to the athletic director.
It will be fine.
We're doing a story for the school paper.
You know he's a family friend.
He helped get my brother into college.
Do you know what happens to an AD
who runs a successful high school football program?
They get into college, too, and trust me, the salary
will be a lot better than at a public school like ours.
[knock on door]
Come in.
Hi, can I help you?
We're with
and we're doing a story on the protests.
- Do you mind if I record you? - Um, okay.
I've never been in here before.
I heard you were a big deal when you used to play.
But all of this? Wow.
Sara, how you doing?
How's your brother doing in school?
Great, yeah, he's still loving it.
That's cool, good.
So what, do you want-- want a statement or...
Well, it's a horrible situation, right?
I mean, it kills me when any sport is cut
because of some state budgetary reason, and these cuts,
[scoffs] my hands are tied.
I mean, car washes and bake sales
are not going to add up to buses and equipment
and everything else that fattens our budget.
If I could change that, I would.
Look, ladies, listen,
I have daughters that play sports.
- Oh. - Right.
The money's not there. Trust me.
Thank you so much for your statement.
Sure.
I know it'll do a lot to ease the tension out there.
- Glad I could help. - Thank you, Mr. Fischer.
Say hey to your brother.
That was so uncomfortable.
What do you think he was hiding in those boxes in his office?
Do you even hear me?
He's been very good to my family.
I'm not saying he hasn't, but that doesn't mean
he's not hiding something.
He said "trust me" and closed his eyes.
Classic liar's tell.
Plain does it when we play bridge.
I'll meet you at lunch.
[school bell rings]
[drumline music playing]
- That's a subtle bump this morning. - What bump?
You nudged me on purpose.
Well, I don't remember.
So it couldn't have been on purpose.
[sighs] I need your help.
What illegalish thing do you need me to do now?
Nothing you haven't done before.
You need my mom's keys?
I think I know where the buck stops.
I just need to search AD Fischer's office a little.
You think you're gonna find a smoking gun, don't you?
I know how much the fundraisers and the ticket sales bring in.
Now I just need to know how much Fischer's spending.
So what you're saying is that something
about Fischer smells a little--
- Please don't say it. - I'm gonna say it.
If you're gonna say it, then you gotta break in with me.
Fishy. [chuckles]
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
Okay, I will be picked up at 7:00.
Goodbye, Cowher.
Wait, uh...
do you wanna hang out and eat with me?
I have a bridge game to get to, and I know it's not your bag,
but I actually like sitting with people.
That's cool, do your thang.
You know, you don't have to eat by yourself
up here all the time.
You're a funny guy. People will like you.
You just have to put yourself out there a little, you know?
I don't know, she seems like normal Farrah to me.
- Whatever normal Farrah is. - Really?
Out of nowhere, she drops Stacey this summer
and refuses to say why, and now--
Since when does her keeping stuff from us seem weird to you?
Nope, leave me out of this.
Okay, and why is she icing me out of the sports thing?
No offense, but you kind of said you didn't want to be involved.
Hey, sorry I'm late. Had to take care of something.
Can't be good for someone.
[scoffs] What are we talking about?
- Nothing. - Hmm.
Can I have my seat back?
You know what I just realized?
You can see the entire cafeteria from this chair.
You know what I also just realized?
You can see the entire cafeteria from your spot
- up on the catwalk. - Love you, too.
All right, you ready to break the Janes streak?
- We are gonna take you down. - Are you?
'Cause you haven't even sniffed a win in days.
Slow your roll, okay?
Farrah and I won like 35 in a row before this lucky streak.
Deal 'em up.
So did you get anywhere with Fischer?
Not yet, but I will, trust me.
Okay. [laughs]
Hey, why do you hate Stacey Moorehead?
Weren't you fooling around with Ilo
- at the same time she was? - Yes, but we both know
you fired Stacey before me and Ilo.
You can tell the Janes that they can be friends with her.
- It's not just about the Janes. - I have my reasons.
Yeah, I know you do, but at some point,
you're gonna have to trust someone other than yourself.
I'm just-- I'm just saying that you can trust me
if you ever want to talk about stuff or...
I do trust you.
I do. But for now, let me figure out a way to get you
- back on that field, okay? - Okay.
- We're outside the school. - Sorry, you're right.
I wanted to ask you something.
Now that this is happening,
I need to know your story with Farrah.
What story?
You were really never a thing?
'Cause she's my friend,
and I don't want to mess with that.
A little late for that.
Kind of asking
Look, I prefer her as my friend
because I've seen her as an enemy.
I get it.
Look, Farrah and I have been friends since second grade.
Nothing's happened between us. Trust me.
She has her own thing going on.
[keys jingling]
What?
Used practice jerseys.
We got him dead to rights.
[sighs] The money passes through this office.
There's gotta be something in here.
This guy is a total bozo. Not even a password.
[scoffs]
Hey, I saw you talking to Hannah today.
How did that go?
I was buying ice cream. Coincidence, so was she.
I don't believe in coincidences, particularly for someone
who
What? I'm glad you're putting yourself out there.
Did it feel good talking to her?
- Yes, it felt good. - [squeals softly]
Did I say this guy was a bozo? I mean an ignoramus.
Why, what'd you find?
Very sloppily hidden spreadsheet.
Looks like this column here is the money coming in.
Uh-huh, and...
- Most of these numbers match. - Mm-hmm.
Wow, shocking, football gets most of the money,
even the money the girls team raise.
And boys basketball gets a ton, too.
Weird how those are the sports that Fischer played.
Looks like someone's throwing cash at the chance
to relive his former glory.
- Well, we got the weasel. - [door opens]
What are you two doing here?
Uh-- the door was open, and we were just--
Just looking for a fun place to do your thing?
Our thing?
I've caught kids doing it under the bleachers.
I've caught kids doing it on the roof.
I even caught two in the teachers lounge.
Hey, Al, do you mind if we maybe keep this between us?
I mean, my girl here,
she just wants to make a memory, you know?
I got ya. I used to be young once, too.
Just remember who has to clean up after you two.
You got it, dude.
- [door closes] - Sorry.
I'm nervous about posting this one.
Last week you posted a blind item
about someone upper-decking the gym bathroom.
I know, okay, but we're not just taking Fischer down.
We are cutting the knees out of America's baby
right in the middle of its season.
We're not fighting football.
We're fighting for a girl's right to play.
It's cut and dry.
The football team's gonna hate this
and so is anyone who shows up at the field for the game.
Brain damage won't stop football and neither will your post.
I know, but I also know this is the kind of story
that ruffles a lot of cock feathers.
You ruffle your own cock feathers all the time,
so that should be no problem.
- Hmm? - Hmm?
Okay.
- [computer chimes] - I'm not doing this with you.
Doing what?
Taking off one piece of clothing.
This is how a thousand horrible news stories start.
Good night, Will.
- Wait.
Woogie told me about the new bathroom at school.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, she also told me your dad moved out.
I wish I was there with you.
Thanks, but, um, I'm cool. Good night.
-
Don't pull this "I don't need anybody else" stuff with me.
I was right next to you when you found out.
I know how devastating it was.
It was months ago.
Look, I appreciate you caring, but really, I'm fine.
-
Call me if you need me, all right?
Okay.
- [door opens] -
[door bangs shut]
What are you doing out here so late?
Just watching videos.
- Really? - Yeah.
[laughs]
I just forwarded you an article about Conan O'Brien,
how he took acting classes to try to get over his shyness.
Thanks, I'll read it.
Oh, my God, you do you know who Conan O'Brien is?
- Yes. - You do?
- Yes. - Okay. Am I annoying you?
Because if I'm annoying you, tell me.
You're not annoying, just...
Honey, why don't you have Farrah take you to some parties?
I mean, you two are good friends, right?
Yeah, but we're not-- we're not go-out friends.
[laughs] What does that mean? I mean, you go out, right?
- Sometimes? - Sometimes a little, I guess.
I'm never, ever gonna understand this, am I?
- Probably not, no. - Okay.
- [whispers] Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Don't stay up too late.
Okay.
[door opens, closes]
- All right, sing it, babe. - No.
- Come on. - No.
- Sing it. - Ugh! I don't want to.
- Oh, my God. - What is it?
Is that your dad?
- Stop taping them!
- I think that's the superintendent with him.
- It is.
My dad's making out with Stacey Moorehead's mom.
- Can we get out of here? - Yeah.
[taps key]
- Sing it, babe. - No.
- Come on. - No.
- Sing it. - Ugh! I don't want to.
Oh, my God.
- [typing]
Is that your dad?
I think that's the superinten--
[sighs]
[drumline music playing]
[crowd chanting in distance]
Ready for the fallout?
Because I'm smelling a gender war.
Bring it on.
[girls chanting] Gut the Fisch!
Gut the Fisch! Gut the Fisch!
[men chanting in distance]
Gut the Fisch! Gut the Fisch!
[Farrah]
dictate what's right and wrong.
I'm not saying any of us are totally above it.
I'm just pointing out that it happens on every level,
whether it's an ex-jock wanting to relive his past
or just a kid illegally selling alcohol.
- I want a cut. - What?
You've been making a ton of money off of my good nature,
and we have seven more home games.
- I want in. - Screw off.
All the girls teams will take the field this season.
Sometimes it just works out that you not only fight
for the right reason but for the right person.
Would you like a flavored water with your homemade crispy?
I can have my volunteer here grab you one.
How much is that?
You know what, I'm not gonna let you put that in your body.
It's way too artificial.
I'll get you a regular water instead.
- Was that what I think it was? - Told you she wouldn't be easy.
What are you gonna do about it?
I guess give her a cut.
[music plays]
Music featured in this episode of
♪ Take me to a time when we were younger ♪
[♪]
♪ Said I'm too sensitive ♪
♪ She doesn't know that I'm just a big kid ♪
♪ Girl glass, girl glass, girl glass ♪