WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE IN
FOR A TREAT BECAUSE MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNER
YOU KNOW FROM THE HUNGER GAMES, "AMERICAN HUSTLE" AND "SILVER
LININGS PLAYBOOK."
SHE NOW STARS IN THE UPCOMING FILM "RED SPARROW."
>> I'M SKEWERROUS, ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME OR ARE YOU JUST
CLUMSY.
>> YOU THINK WE'RE SO INTERESTED IN YOU.
>> WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO BECOME A TRANSLATOR.
>> IF I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT, THE STATE HELPS ME TAKE CARE OF
MY MOTHER.
MY UNCLE HELPED ME GET THE JOB.
>> HE IS A VERY POWERFUL MAN.
IN MY COUNTRY, IF YOU DO NOT MATTER TO THE MAN IN POWER, YOU
DO NOT MATTER.
>> I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
WHY, ARE WE GOING TO BECOME FRIENDS?
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME JENNIFER LAWRENCE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> PRETTY SUCCESSFUL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
THANKS FOR COMING BACK.
>> IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN ON A LIEUTENANT OF TALK SHOWS, BUT
YOU'VE HAD AN EXPERIENCE SINCE THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER
THAT -- >> OH, GOD...
>> Stephen: NO, MADE YOU AN AFICIONADO OF TALK SHOWS IN THE
WAY SOME AREN'T BECAUSE YOU TOOK OVER FOR JIMMY KIMMEL WHEN HE
WAS OUT FOR THE SURGERY OF HIS SON.
>> OOH, GONNA MAKE MY NOSEBLEED.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU ARE TALKING TO KIM KARDASHIAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THE
EXPERIENCE?
NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS, IS IT?
>> PRETTY EASY.
NOT THAT HARD.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST KIDDING.
THE ONLY THING THEY KEPT TELLING ME, THERE IS A CLOCK BEHIND HER
HEAD.
IF SHE'S TALKING, TRY TO WRAP IT UP.
>> Stephen: A CLOCK?
A 5-MINUTE.
>> Stephen: LIKE RIGHT OVER HERE?
THERE'S A CLOCK -- >> YEAH, LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH THERE'S A CLOCK RIGHT BEHIND HER?
>> THERE'S A CLOCK.
THEY WERE, LIKE, WHEN SHE GETS TO THE END OR IT STARTS COUNTING
DOWN, WRAP IT UP, WE'LL GO TO COMMERCIAL.
WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE AND SHE WAS SHOOTING ME DOWN LIKE A
CONGRESSWOMAN.
I LOOKED AT MY LIST AND I'M OUT OF QUESTIONS, AND I HAD FIVE
MINUTES.
I'M, LIKE, DO YOU WEAR SOCKS TO SLEEP ANY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO
ASK.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
HOW DOES THIS OPEN?
>> OKAY, YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU REALLY DO HAVE IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS WILL WORK!
THIS WILL BRING MY SOUL BACK, I KNOW UT!
COOL!
>> Stephen: I KEEP ATE WILLLE SOMETHING BACK THERE IN CASE
SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING.
>> IN CASE SOMEONE'S HAVING MENTAL BREAKDOWN, PERFECT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS CUBAN RUM, IN CASE YOU --
>> OH, IT'S RUM?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I HAVE BOURBON.
>> YEAH, IT'S FINE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ALCOHOL.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH...
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SORRY.
OH, LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
YOU'RE TAKING A YEAR OFF?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHY.
BECAUSE I'M SO MISERABLE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE --
>> I'M STILL DEVELOPING THINGS.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE, LIKE, ON SET.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE A DRAMATIC -- OHER GOD, HERE WE
GO!
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE A PREMIERE TONIGHT.
I GUESS I HAVE TO CANCEL IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW, I'LL BE DEVELOPING
THINGS AND TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT, YOU KNOW, CORRUPTION.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL BE DEVELOPING THINGS AND TALKING TO
KIDS ABOUT CORRUPTION?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I'M A PART OF AN ORGANIZATION TRYING TO PASS THE STATE BY
STATE LEGISLATION TO GET BIG MONEY OUT OF POLITICS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO I GO TO THIS HIGH SCHOOL TO,
LIKE, TALK TO KIDS ABOUT, YOU KNOW, THE GOVERNMENT AND
SUPER PACS AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, AND, SO, I HAVE BEEN -- YOU
KNOW, WHEN TRUMP GOT ELECTED MY HEAD SPUN OFF.
I READ ALL THESE BOOKS AND I REALLY LEARNED MYSELF GOOD ABOUT
OUR GOVERNMENT AND ABOUT TWEEDEN AND NORWAY'S TRUST IN THEIR
GOVERNMENT VERSUS AMERICA'S.
EDUCATED MYSELF FULLY.
FLY TO OHIO, GO TO A HIGH SCHOOL.
FIRST QUESTION, I WAS, LIKE, UM, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY WERE SO SMART.
I WAS LIKE, WELL, I CAN'T GO TO COLLEGES ANYMORE.
I'M GOING TO START GETTING TODDLERS INTO POLITICS.
( LAUGHTER ) START A GRASSROOTS LEVEL.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD THING TO DO.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO SPEAKING OF, LIKE, POLITICS AND
CORRUPTION, YOU RECENTLY WERE ILL-USED IN THE DEFENSE OF
HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
>> YES!
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I WAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE IS JUST THAT HORRIBLE ASS
BOIL THAT DOES NOT GO AWAY.
YOU POP THE ASS BOIL, HE'S JUST THE WORST.
WHEN IS IT GOING TO END?
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I COME UP WITH A STATEMENT IN
LONDON, AND I'M, LIKE, IT'S STILL NOT OVER?
THE AWFULNESS IS STILL HAPPENING?
>> Stephen: IN HIS DEFENSE.
HIS DEFENSE?
>> Stephen: HIS LAWYERS, NOT ME.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: HIS LAWYERS SAID, HEY, MERYL STREEP ONCE SAID
SOMETHING NICE ABOUT HIM AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE SAID I WAS
NICE TO HER.
HE DRAGS YOU INTO HIS PILE OF (BLEEP).
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
EVERYBODY DOES.
I'M VERY LUCKY.
>> Stephen: IS THIS WHY YOU'RE TAKING A YEAR OFF?
>> NO, IT'S BY COINCIDENCE.
I LOVE MY JOB AND I'M VERY HAPPY.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE ACTING.
PRESS TOURS GIVE YOU THIS CRESCENDO MOMENT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
IT'S LIKE IT CRESCENDOS.
>> Stephen: THIS IS GOOD, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
>> ACTUALLY TURNS OUT I REALLY LIKE RUM.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE VACATION ME SO WHY WOULDN'T I LIKE RUM?
>> Stephen: I WANT TO GO ON VACATION WITH YOU!
>> MY VACATION ME'S NAME IS GAYLE.
I WISH TO GOD I HAD A PHOTO OF HER.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSONA WHEN YOU'RE ON
VACATION?
>> APPARENTLY.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> IT'S ALL ONE PHOTO.
IT'S TOO LATE TO GET IT, ISN'T IT?
I WANTED TO LOOK CUTE.
DO YOU HAVE IT?
>> Stephen: I HAVE THIS.
AMY GOT MARRIED.
>> Stephen: THIS IS AMY SCHUMER'S WEDDING AND YOU WERE
THERE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU LIKE AT THE WEDDING?
>> WELL, AMY SAID I SCARED PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WHY WOULD THAT BE?
I DEFINITELY CAN'T TELL YOU.
I THINK IT WAS JUST A CONVERSATION.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU HAVE TO.
>> NO, I CAN'T.
BRIDGET EVERETT AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE
OUR JOBS AND -- >> Stephen: YOU AND WHO?
BRIDGET EVERETT AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE
OUR DOGS AND I WENT TOO FAR TO SAY WHAT I WOULD DO TO MAKE MY
DOG HAPPY AND IT DIDN'T TRANSLATE AND WENT TOO FAR.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS FLIRTING WITH LARRY DAVID
ALL NIGHT BUT VERY ONE-SIDED.
I'M OBSESSED WITH HI, HE'S NOT OBSESSED WITH ME.
>> Stephen: HE'S DEAD.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN?
>> AMY COMES AND GRABS ME AFTER THE CEREMONY AND SAYS LET'S GO
UP AND TALK ABOUT LIFE AND LOVE AND HER GIANT DECISION SHE MADE.
WE GO TO THE ROOF AND SHE'S TALKING.
AND I SAID, AMY, EVERY MINUTE I'M HERE, LARRY COULD BE LEAVING
AND SHE SAID YOU'RE AN UNENDING (BLEEP), BUT GO DOWNSTAIRS.
>> Stephen: DOES LARRY KNOW THIS CRUSH?
>> I FEEL LIKE -- UM, YES, BUT I DON'T HAVE HIS NUMBER AND HE
DOESN'T FLIRT BACK WITH ME WHICH IS JUST LIKE FUEL FOR ME.
THAT JUST GETS ME GOING.
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE A CHALLENGE?
>> YEAH.
I LOVE RUM!
BIG RUM GUY TURNS OUT.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA LARRY DAVID JUST DID
THIS!
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.
PLEASE SIT THERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THANK YOU!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE!