I was an extremely nervous and shy kid.
The type that hid behind their mom to avoid any social interaction.
My first day of grade one was a complete nightmare.
My dad dropped me at school and I begged him to go to class with me.
I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone in a room full of strangers.
I cried and cried until he said yes.
Turned out I was the only kid in class with a parent sitting beside me holding my hand.
And it seemed like the older I got the worse my anxiety became.
I began to get more and more anxious to do things.
I never raised my hand in class in fear of being wrong and everyone laughing at me.
One day the teacher called on me to answer the question.
And I sat there shaking and sweating in my seat trying to form the words I wanted
to say.
Finally my answer came out as a stutter and a few people chuckled beside me.
And yes I ended up being right but it took so much effort out of me.
In grade eight we started to do a lot of presentations in class.
I would always memorize what I needed to say.
But the moment I stood in front of the class I would forget everything.
I would stand up there completely paralyzed.
There was this one time when my teacher called me up to the front of the class to present
and as I was walking up I tripped over someone’s foot, knocked over the projector and landed
right on my face.
I stood up as fast as I could and ran to the girl’s bathroom to cry.
I felt like I was always embarrassing myself.
Even school dances were a struggle.
I would stand against a wall while everyone had a good time.
Eventually high school rolled around.
My anxiety continued to hold me back.
I struggled to meet new people so I would sit in the library to eat my lunch.
There were even a few times when the library was full that I had to eat in a washroom stall.
I began to developing a fear for being in
crowded spaces.
I could only sit in a packed classroom for a certain amount of time before I had to get
up and leave.
So I had to go see a guidance counselor to tell her what was wrong.
And she gave me these slips of paper that I could give my teacher whenever I was feeling
an anxiety attack coming on.
And he would excuse me from the classroom without asking any questions.
This helped me but people started to wonder why I left the classroom so frequently.
People thought I was extremely strange.
The only way I can explain an anxiety attack to you
is the feeling of not being able to breathe.
Like something is pressing really hard on your chest and you can’t take a full breath in.
Your heartbeat gets faster and your whole body heats up until you sweat uncontrollably.
It’s a feeling of panic.
Sometimes you don’t even know why you feel this way.
Sometimes it just happens when you least expect it.
There was one day in grade ten when my mom took my sister and I to see a movie.
When we got there the theatre was pretty packed.
So we had to sit in the very middle of an aisle surrounded by tons of people in every direction.
About halfway through the movie I began to feel the panic coming on.
My heart began speeding up and I couldn’t seem to calm myself down.
I tried fanning myself with the empty popcorn bag but that wasn’t working.
So I whispered into my mom’s ear and told her what was going on.
She seem confused but saw in my face how upset I was.
So we all got up and left the theatre.
I finally decided this was enough and needed help.
My parents set me up with a therapist in my area.
It was a very comfortable environment and I was able to tell her everything that was bothering me.
She told me that I definitely had an anxiety disorder.
She told me that she can work with me to lesson it’s effect on my life.
This took a while but with help I was noticing changes in my life.
I began reaching out to people at school.
I rarely left my class or a movie theatre because I felt claustrophobic.
Things were changing all around me for the better.
And yes anxiety is still a part of my life but it isn’t as dominant as it was before.
My last year of college I was even able to start my YouTube channel which took a lot
of courage and confidence.
I’m even able to talk to an audience of people at meet and greets without having a
complete meltdown.
Things are great and I’m the happiest I have been in my entire life.