Do you want to know how to create good habits that will stick? Well, I'm Nicoholeen Peck and I teach
all about systems that help you transform your habits. I call my system of habit transformation,
teaching self government. And most people apply it to their relationships and their communications
in their family dynamic. But these principles of self government
apply to everything. So let's talk about habits.
In this video, we're going to be talking about what makes a bad habit, and then how to create a
good habit, so that it will really stick with you long term. We all have habits, we have habits for
the way that we dress, sometimes we put the left foot in, and then the right foot in our pants,
some people put one sock on, and then one shoe and then another sock, and then another shoe, some
people put both the socks and then both the shoes, but they always start with the right foot.
They don't know why they do this. This is just a habit that they created. And for whatever reason
is serves them well. And they're not usually very interested in changing those habits,
because it doesn't seem to make a big difference if they did. So why not just let the brain do
its autopilot thing? So the brain is constantly looking for ways to make our lives more efficient.
This is why the brain makes habits for us. It establishes connections within the brain
that allows us these channels to pass through to make life easier inside. But sometimes we create
bad habits. So what creates a really bad habit? Well, most bad habits are formed from a person
deciding to try to control somebody else, or something else, instead of controlling themselves.
The best habits are the types of habits that lead you to controlling yourself so that you feel
empowered. But if you start developing a habit of thinking of other people as things to control,
then you're going to create habits that will end up being very harmful to you, and probably your
relationships and other people. So we definitely want to stay away from those types of habits,
but they're easy to adopt, because some people get the mindset that in order to change my problem, I
need to find who's at fault and make them fix it. Actually, it doesn't matter who is at fault or who
started your problem, the solution to your problem always rests within yourself. We can solve our own
problems. That's the nature of self government. So what is the definition of self government?
Self government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation,
and possessing a knowledge of your own behavior so that you can control them. So what that means is
that you examine yourself and your relationships, which direction you want those things to head,
and then you make a plan and you stick to it. If your plan seems to be non productive, or a
little too controlling of other people, perhaps, then you would adjust your plan and head forward
in a new direction. A person who is self governed is not afraid of seeing that they made a mistake
and fixing their problems. So you see how helpful that would be for habit formation. When you're
wanting to make a good habit, you've got to be honest with yourself, it's super important
that you say to yourself, okay, I did that, or I do that. I need now to expose it and make sure
that I fill it in with something else. So one of the key things that you do in habit formation,
if you want a really good habit is find the bad habit, the thing that you don't want to
do anymore and then you basically plug in the exact opposite of that habit. So if you're always
critical of other people, then what would the exact opposite be? Look for the good in people,
compliment other people appreciate other people, that's going to be the habit. So the moment that
you leave contact with another person, instead of thinking the negative about that person,
try to focus on the positive about that person. I shouldn't even say try, just tell yourself to do
it, there has to be something positive about them. Every person has value and we can all find it
if we choose to. Sure, they might have done something that annoyed you. But if you want
to be an optimistic person and create a habit of optimism, then you're not going to focus on
those little petty annoyances. Instead, what you are going to do is you are going to focus on what
they did that was good, and you are going to focus on being optimistic with your future and their
relationship. I'm a strong-willed person who's really good at strategy, which is why I love forms
and systems and structures. I like to make myself move forward and get the results that I want.
But I have to tell you, there was a time where I would engineer my communications with other people
so that I would make sure that I got what I wanted or I turned certain people against other people
and this was when I was in my adolescence. Then I met a person. This person, her name was Charity,
actually, what a name, right? And she exemplified this, she actually was charitable toward everyone,
she did not want to talk bad about any soul. And she said to me, you know, I have focused
a lot of my effort on really trying to not talk bad about anybody. And so I try to find
the good whenever I can. When she told me that, I thought that's actually a pretty good idea.
But that didn't mean I could fix my habit yet. But the more I hung around with charity, I found that
she actually showed me what it took. The moment we were done with a person, she would say, Isn't
that person, great? That might have been the most annoying person I'd ever met. But she's saying,
Aren't they nice? They spend the time to come and talk to us, or isn't it great, the effort
that they're putting into this, she constantly was looking for the good thing in that person
instead of the bad thing, or the annoying thing, which was what I was noticing. So I changed,
thanks to my friend Charity, because she showed me what charity really meant in her actions. This
doesn't mean she was perfect. But she showed me that and I will forever be grateful because
it changed the way that I saw all the people around me. And I truly felt like I could love
them no matter what, no matter what they looked like, smelled like talk like, I could love them,
and I could appreciate them and my world became better because of it. We need to still talk
about how to create those good habits that will stick but before we do, click the subscribe
button now. There are so many great videos on this channel that will help you develop good
habits in your thoughts and in your behaviors, in your relationships. Have a so will make your world
better too. So click subscribe now. So how do you create good habits that will stick? Well it takes
two things. First, you have to understand who you are and you have to have a system that will help
you live that better version of who you are. So I am known for talking about roles. I even have a
whole book all about roles. And I have another book and of course called parenting a house
united, which teaches systems for communication for solving problems in the family. Well,
these systems for communication actually apply to us no matter what problem we are trying to
solve or habit we are trying to overcome. So I mentioned that you need to know who you are.
And that may seem a little weird to throw that out there and pass by. So before I get to some skills
that are going to be helpful for you for habit formation and help you create good systems, I do
want to touch a little bit on you understanding who you are. So often we think things like I
am always picked on, I am the one that's always overlooked. I am tired. I am
you know, not appreciated. Whatever it is, those are statements that you make inside your head,
that help you determine what your identity is to other people and even to yourself. And if you're
always unappreciated, then that's going to put you in a negative place when you're planning your
next action and that's not good for changing your habit. If you are overworked and you tell yourself
that you are always overworked or something like that, then you are going to use that as an excuse
for why you don't have to handle some other problem. Maybe it's a drinking problem,
substance abuse problem or an anger problem, because you're just not in the mood because
you're too tired or too overworked. So make sure that you do not tell yourself things inside your
head about you that will damage your identity. You need to be telling yourself the optimistic things.
The other things that are true about you sure, you might be tired, you might put on a lot of
long hours. But there is more to your life than that work and there are people that need to bond
with you and you need to bond with them too. You care about those people and you have energy left
for them. You need to be telling yourself those things so that you can be that person who is there
for those other people. So let's talk about the skills. Now, these books are obviously meant for
children like 12 and under. These children's books each teach one of the four basic skills and the
four basic skills are not just for children, they are for all people. And if you understand these
four basic skills, it will give you systems for how to change your own habits and create
good habits. So what are the four basic skills? The four basic skills are following instructions,
accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately.
So we all know people that can't do those skills, but we might think we're pretty good at them
already. But there's just this little habit like I don't wake up on time or maybe I keep eating
too much sugar. Those are habits. Well, the four basic skills help you with those habits.
They'll help you with any habit that you have. So let's talk about eating sugar.
We know that we shouldn't eat too much sugar, maybe that's not your habit that maybe that's
somebody's out there. So what skill do we need to not eat sugar? Well, we need the skill,
accepting a "no" answer. We need to be able to give ourselves a "no" answer. No, no sugar, no more sugar
for the rest of the day and then we look at the situation that's coming up donut, donut shop. Nope,
no, no more sugar for today. I've told myself no answer. So what do I do? I do the four steps
to accepting a "no" answer. I look at the person or the situation like the donut in the window,
I keep a calm face, voice and body and then I say, okay, or I asked to disagree appropriately,
which is going to be really hard to do with a window and you could disagree appropriately
with yourself. And then you might start rationalizing. So I would stick to okay, I'm
just going to accept the no, okay, I'm not going to do it. And then you drop the subject. That's
the hardest part. Don't think about the donut anymore. Don't think about anything else. Think
about carrots if you have to. But you change your brain, you now fill it in with a new thought
that you're going to have right at the same time. Remember how I said, in order to create a good
habit, you have to replace the bad thought or the thought that's getting you in trouble with a good
thought. So the new thought is nope. And I am so strong, because I just said no to sugar, right?
That's your new thought. And you walk by and think where am I going you think of something else,
but you do not think of the donut anymore. That's just one way to use those four basic skills.
So what about the disagree appropriately skill? What if you had that one? So disagreeing
appropriately is what I call the gateway skill to self government. It's usually everybody's favorite
skill. It helps us engage in good diplomacy as we're communicating with other people.
So when someone is attacking you, which has happened to me multiple times, because I've worked
in legislatures, and in congresses, and at the UN, when people don't agree with me when I'm trying to
protect families and children and some of the bills that I put forward there. So they'll
antagonize and they'll try to push buttons and see if they can get me to react in certain ways.
I'm sure you've all seen YouTube videos where this has happened on Senate floors and stuff.
What I've decided is that whenever anyone says anything to me, I will describe the situation,
I will tell a story instead of react, doesn't matter what they do, I will say, wait a minute,
what do they need me to understand about them? I think I'm going to tell that story. That's the
thought process that I have. So the skill set for disagreeing appropriately goes like this,
I look at the person or the situation, I keep a calm face, voice and body, I say that
I understand the other person's point of view, which means I have to go looking for it, right.
And then I share my point of view, I listen to what they have to say I say, okay, whether
they agree with me or not, because in the end, I can't make them agree with me. So meaning I say,
Okay, well, you know, you're gonna say whatever you're gonna say, and then I dropped the subject.
So that's how I disagree appropriately. So it might look something like this. I think
children need this type of protection, I'm saying and then somebody attacks this data, didn't they?
They point their attack back at me. And then I immediately think, okay, am I calm? I think I
am. So what is it that they're trying to get me to understand? Oh, maybe that that particular program
might cost too much money, or maybe there's some parent that might not protect children in the
way that I think all parents should, or something like that. So then I'm going to say to them, I
know that not every single parent is perfect. And I know that not every single parent will protect
children in a way that they should. However, in order to protect the majority of children,
we do have to assume the best of parents, and we need to respect parental rights when it comes to
education of their children or making decisions for their children. And so we do need to make sure
that we give those other parents, the majority of parents the protection that they need to do
the best things for their families as well. So do you see how I shared their point of view and
then shared my point of view, that I listened to their decision because they might be the lawmaker,
and I don't get to take the vote. And then I say, Okay, well, that's what happened.
And I dropped the subject. And so that means I'm not going to stew over again and again,
I might come up with another bill or another idea or another comment in the future, but it's
not going to be something that's going to plague me or make me get down about myself. So many of
the habits that people are adopting nowadays are habits of having bad emotions, or bad emotional
responses. This means that they're creating habits that are leading to emotional weakness,
we need to be focusing on creating habits that will make us emotionally strong, and be able to
connect with other people. If you've liked this video, I'm pretty sure you'll like my next video,
which goes into even more detail about habits and habit training, and it's called How to Change Bad
Habits. Click on the link to that video now.