-Hi.
In this video, I'm going to share five powerful steps
to set boundaries with men.
Ladies, Mat Shaffer here, your empowerment, connection,
and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting
you and creating this sort of fun, fulfilling, dynamic
connections and relationships with men that you are so worthy of.
This is one of the most important topics I'm ever going to talk
about, how to set boundaries with men and why they're so important.
This is stuff I do with my clients and students every day.
We're going to dive into it in just a second, but before we do,
take a second hit that little Subscribe button, don't forget to
click the little bell, so you get notified when I'm putting out new
videos, and be sure to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training.
That's going to make a huge difference in your connections
and relationships with men, and be sure to sound off in the comments
on what your biggest challenges are around setting boundaries,
because, ladies, I know, I get it.
Setting boundaries can feel like a very daunting task with men,
because a lot of times we have a lot of resistance around boundaries
for a lot of different reasons.
Maybe you might feel like it's masculine to impose your will and
set boundaries, or maybe you're afraid you're going to push him away.
You're either going to depolarize the relationship, you're going to
push him away, but I'm here to tell you, fundamentally,
men are craving boundaries.
It's actually going to strengthen your relationship, deepen
your connection, and give any connection you have with a guy,
a greater chance of success, if you set boundaries effectively.
Let's go through the five steps that are going to help you set
the best healthiest boundaries you've ever had with men.
Now, the first step in setting healthy boundaries is to recognize
your inherent value and worth, because, I've said this before, and
I'll say it a 1,000 times, boundaries are a deep act of self-love.
It's about honoring yourself, your needs, and the relationship
that you truly recognize, that you're worthy of.
Boundaries are how we train other people how to treat us.
It's how we mold the experience of our own relationships.
Before we can establish boundaries effectively, we really get to
be in ownership of the fact.
You get to be in ownership of the fact that you are worthy of
being honored, of being cherished, of being treated in a very
specific way, and that boundaries are the way that you're going to
create that for yourself.
You can't depend on somebody else to treat you the way that you want
if you don't express that to that person, through setting boundaries.
Get clear on what's the value that you bring to relationship.
Why are you worthy of having a wonderful relationship?
If that's something that's a struggle for you, then you get
to really look at your beliefs.
Look at your beliefs around your own self-worth, around your
value, and start to ask yourself, "Why am I afraid of boundaries?
Why do I feel unworthy of standing in my power and really owning and
saying, 'Hey, this is what I want. This is what I need to be happy.
I'm expecting you to honor that.'" Once you start unpacking
all that on worthiness and you start really connecting with your
own inherent value, it's going to get a lot easier to set the
boundaries that you're worthy of.
The second key to setting healthy boundaries is to recognize
that men need boundaries.
Boundaries aren't just for you.
They are for us too, because here's what boundaries are for men.
Boundaries are a blueprint for us on how to make you happy.
Okay? You think about it.
Because if we don't have boundaries, if we don't know what you like and
what you need, you cannot expect us to just be able to read your mind.
Men are not mind readers.
We don't know what your needs are.
A lot of times in relationship, if we're getting to know a woman and
she hasn't expressed to us what our boundaries are, what she needs,
what she likes, what she wants, it's like we're fumbling around in
the dark, in a dark room, and just banging our head into the walls.
It's not a fun situation. It can be very frustrating for us.
Really, by setting boundaries constructively and proactively,
you're actually helping us.
You're helping us avoid a lot of conflicts and a lot of frustration.
You're helping us understand the easiest and most effective and most
efficient way to make you happy and to avoid a bunch of unnecessary
conflict, which I guarantee you, we will appreciate as we continue
to get to know you in relationship.
The last important point I want to make around why men need
boundaries is because we as men, we understand that it's our
responsibility to be the drivers of the relationship, especially
physically in the relationship.
We understand that it's our job to initiate physical intimacy
and to generally to be the ones to escalate physical intimacy.
I want you to recognize that just because a man attempts to
push your boundaries or escalate physical intimacy, it doesn't
mean that he's a bad guy.
It doesn't mean that he doesn't respect you, but it's up to you,
because even good guys will attempt to escalate.
Even good guys will push on physical intimacy to see
where your boundaries are.
It's a responsibility that you have, to establish those boundaries to,
A, let him know what pace you're comfortable with in relationship,
in physical relationship and an emotional relationship, and
also to help him understand what it is that you want and like,
and how he gets to behave with you so that you guys can have a
fulfilling, meaningful connection.
The third step to set healthy boundaries with men is to
connect with your vision for the type of relationship
that you want to experience.
You really want to start with the end in mind.
Look at your vision for your relationship.
What would be your dream relationship?
How would you like to feel, honored, cherished, safe, respected, excited?
What experiences would you like to share with your partner.
Then ask yourself, "What kind of boundaries would I establish right
now in order to lay the foundation for that type of relationship?
If I want to feel safe and appreciated, then it's going to be up
to me to help my partner understand what safety looks like for me, what
safety looks like in terms of how he treats me, in terms of how I want
the pace of the relationship to go?"
Again, it's like, "I feel safe when you hold the door for me, it really
helps me feel safe, when you call or you check up on me after a date,
to make sure I got home safe."
Just little things like that.
You want to help him understand and be setting proactive
boundaries with him as often as possible to help bring him
into alignment with that dream relationship that you've created.
If you start with the end in mind, it's going to give you
some great guidance on the boundaries that are going to be
most effective for you in creating the relationship that you want.
The fourth tip to setting boundaries with men is to, as often as possible,
use positive constructive boundaries.
Positive, constructive boundaries are where you make an invitation
for a man to take an action grounded in a positive feeling statement.
"I would love it if you texted me a little more often."
You see what you're doing there?
You're not saying, "Hey, you don't text me enough.
You need to text me more."
You're saying, "I would love it if you texted me more often."
You could even juice it up even more and say, "It brightens my
day every time I get a text from you and I love having bright days.
Would it be okay if you texted me more often?"
See?
You're grounding it in an invitation that it makes you
feel good when he takes action.
As often as possible, you want to guide a man towards doing something
that makes you feel good rather than pushing him away from something
that makes you feel bad, because, again, positive affirmation,
positive validation, and positive invitation is going to create a
much more constructive dynamic than continually feeling like you have
to reprimand him and push him away from stuff that you don't like.
Ladies, you always want to operate from a fundamental premise that,
at the bottom of all of this, men want to make you happy.
Any man who's emotionally invested in you, or who really wants to get
to know you better, your happiness is a primary prerogative for him.
Inviting him to do things to make you feel good, it's going to inspire him
to operate from within the boundaries of what it is that you want.
Of course, if he's not paying attention, if he's not picking
up on those cues, or if this isn't working, then you're going to
become more firm, and you're going to let him know, "Hey, it
doesn't feel good when you do this," or "I'd really appreciate
it if you would stop doing this."
You're going to become more firm and more assertive with him.
Even then you want to do your best to avoid becoming outright
aggressive with him, or punitive with him in the establishment of
boundaries, or to threaten him preemptively, because if you do
that, you're going to run the risk of activating his mama trauma and
getting him triggered and getting him to shut down and pull away from you.
You know what I'm saying?
As long as you're in the earlier mid-stages of getting to know
somebody and you're laying down those boundaries, keep it positive,
constructive, or be very gentle with the negative boundaries or
the prohibitive boundaries to avoid triggering him or shutting him down.
The last tip I have around setting boundaries with men, and this might
be the most important one of all of them, is that in order for a boundary
to exist there has to be a legitimate consequence on the other side of it.
If a man continues to not respect a boundary that you have tried setting
in a positive way, and then you've tried to be gentle and giving him
a prohibitive boundary, "Hey, you need to stop doing that because
it doesn't make me feel good."
Then you get to communicate to him that there will be a consequence.
"Hey, just so you know, if you continue to not respect this
boundary, I'm going to choose to not be in relationship with you anymore.
A man needs to understand that you mean that.
He needs to understand that there are consequences for not
honoring a boundary with you.
Does that make sense?
Because, if a man feels like you're expressing boundaries but
they don't have any teeth they don't have any consequences, and
he's a very strong-willed man, he's not going to respect them.
He's not going to honor them. You know what I'm saying?
Also, if a relationship has gotten to this point, you want to start
asking yourself, "If this man isn't respecting my boundaries
and I've tried to assert him all these different ways,
does he really appreciate my needs?
Does he really want to make me happy, or is he more concerned
with his own needs and his own happiness than mine?"
Because if a man's in that space, the relationship is not a healthy,
bilateral agreement anymore. It's not a partnership.
He's trying to be more selfish about it.
That's probably a guy that you don't want to be in relationship with.
Remember these five steps to creating healthy boundaries with men and
you're just going to have much better relationships in your life.
That first step is to acknowledge and recognize and connect with your
value, your inherent worth, that you are worthy of asking for what you
want, standing for what you need, and expressing that unapologetically
and warmly and lovingly to your partner or to any man that
you're looking to get to know. When should you be doing this?
As soon as possible, as often as possible.
Don't be shy around setting boundaries or telling a man what
it is that you want or need or like, because that's all part
of holding your frame, which is a crucial part of having a
healthy relationship with them.
Secondly, recognize that men need boundaries.
We see them as a roadmap to make you happy.
They help us avoid all the frustration and pitfalls of trying to
read your mind and second guess what it is that you want or need or like.
The more clear you are, the more active we're going to be
in making you happy.
That third step is to connect with your vision.
Your vision for the relationship you want, your vision for the
experience you want to have in relationship, and then ask yourself,
"What boundaries do I want to set right now in sharing what I need
and what I like in this connection with this man to lay the foundation
for that dream relationship?"
If you start with the end in mind, it's going to give you a lot more
clarity around the boundaries that you want to set today.
That fourth step is to set positive and constructive,
encouraging, inviting boundaries as often as possible.
Use an invitation for him to take action, that's grounded in
a positive feeling statement.
That's always where you want to start.
It's much better to encourage a man to do what it is that you wanted to
do rather than to try to discourage him or push against him for doing
things that you don't want him to do.
Lastly, remember that boundaries without consequences do not exist.
Be willing to walk away and be willing to communicate to him without
anger, that if he's unwilling or unable to respect your boundaries as
you've expressed them, that you're just going to choose to not be in
relationship with somebody who isn't able to meet you where you're at.
As long as you're willing to express to him and hold those
consequences, a man is going to be much more inclined to respect
them and honor what your needs are.
I hope you enjoyed those five steps to setting boundaries.
I'm going to link to some other boundary videos that I've created
here at the end of this video.
Before you dive into those or you start talking to your man about what
it is that you want and need, be sure to hit that little Subscribe
button and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some amazing training.
That's going to make a huge difference in your connections
and relationships with men.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
I'll see in my next video. Bye-bye.
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