With all of the work I've done in remarried households, I've come up with
7 rules for a successful second marriage. I guess I should start with a
disclaimer because I've only been married once. And it's my plan to
continue to have that be true. But I've worked with a lot of families. I've
shared with you before on the channel that I used to do child custody
evaluations for the court. And these are just sometimes nasty situations where
people are divorcing and trying to figure out how to share their kids. I've
also worked with these families and helping them to establish something
moving forward. And so, this is coming from my clinical experience. But I share
that disclaimer with you because I want you to share your ideas, too. If you found
things that work, go down to the comments below and post your ideas about what's
working or maybe what's not working. Let's get a little conversation going
around this. Rule number 1, unpack your baggage. Or at least acknowledge that
it's there. We all come to the relationship with whatever we've already
packed up into our baggage. You know what I'm talking about, right? And everybody
has issues. Some of these issues affected how things went in the first marriage.
Also, it's important to acknowledge that there's a different dynamic that comes
in a second marriage following a divorce versus a second marriage following a
death. Those issues are a little different. Now, we're going to still have
baggage either way. So, acknowledge and unpack your baggage as much as you can.
It's important to do enough self work that you're aware of what those issues
are. Usually we are painfully aware of what the other person's issues are. And
as long as our focus is there, it doesn't help us to have the kind of mindfulness
and insight that will really position us well to have a successful relationship.
So, become aware of it. Get a coach. Do some thinking and don't rush it. That's
one of the most common errors people make in a second marriage is jumping in
a little too soon. Give it enough time that you can actually unpack and at
least acknowledge some of your baggage. Rule number 2, practice forgiveness. I
think this happens on at least 3 different levels. So, track me on this.
Number 1, yourself. Practice and forgiveness right here at home.
You did the best that you knew how to do with what you knew at the time. Let
yourself off of the hook for all of that heavy blame that you might be carrying
around for whatever happened in the first relationship. Practice forgiveness.
Now, the second level of forgiveness is for your ex or your late spouse. They did
some things that didn't work, right? And you can probably list what those are. For
you to carry those into another relationship is going to have a similar
impact. So, let's see if we can let that go and practice forgiveness for the ex
or the late spouse. And then the third level, your current relationship.
Forgiveness is one of 9 powerful principles that guarantee the success of
a relationship. And this is one that you'll want to practice early and
regularly with your current relationship. It'll set a whole different tone for
where you can go. Rule number 3, plan your strategy around conflict. Here's the
thing: Conflict is going to happen. Anytime you bring 2 different people
together, you have conflict. Why? Because of the differences. We have different
backgrounds. We have different expectations. We have different
experiences. Especially if both of you are coming at this from a previous
relationship. There's going to be some conflict. So, plan a strategy for this. Dr.
John Gottman did some ground breaking research around conflict. And he
found that there's basically 2 different ways to handle it.
One way leads to misery and the eventual destruction of the relationship. And the
other way we can handle it leads to happiness and success.
So, what are those 2 different ways? Basically on this side of the equation,
Criticism, Defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. He called it the Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse. When we criticize each other and beat each other
up, as opposed to this side which is principle-based. And it has to do with
dealing with this conflict in a loving and respectful manner. Conflict doesn't
have to lead to the destruction of a relationship. Differences make us
relevant and interesting to each other in the first place. That's why you want
to have the relationship. If you're exactly the same, one of you is
unnecessary. So, let's accept those differences and deal with those in a
principle-based way that allows us to create a successful relationship. Plan
for the conflict. Rule number 4, practice vulnerability and humility.
Brene Brown is one of my heroes. She wrote a book called Daring Greatly. And
you can also see her TED talk right here on YouTube. Or look up the Netflix
special that she did. Brene Brown has talked so much about vulnerability and
authenticity and the risks that we sometimes take in a relationship. What's
the opposite? I call it destructive pride. Destructive pride has us knowing that
we're right. And just notice that you do. You know that you're right. It's not that
you think you're right. You know you're right. And that has a showing up in
really terrible ways for each other. Humility is giving up our need to be
right in exchange for being open. That openness is going to help you build a
successful relationship. Practice vulnerability and humility.
Rule number 5, listen to understand. And I've got a specific strategy for you
on this one. Listening is such an important part of communication. And you
need to be doing it regularly. Most people don't listen. The letters in
the word listen and the letters in the word silent are exactly the same. But
being silent doesn't mean that you're listening.
Sometimes we're silent while we're dreaming up our rebuttal. Or coming up
with 5 reasons why what we just heard isn't right. Or waiting for our chance to
talk. See, we're not really listening to understand. And here's the strategy
that'll help with that: Postpone your own need to be understood.
Just take it and put it on a shelf over here for a minute.
You know how invested you are in making sure that somebody understands your
point of view. Postpone that. Stick it on a shelf until your partner is completely
satisfied that you understand their position. Listen to what I just said. You
postpone your own need to be understood until your partner is completely
satisfied that you understand them. This is graduate-level stuff people. And
most people don't do it because it's hard. Well, you can do this. It's going to
take a little bit of maturity to put your agenda aside long enough to do that.
Listen to understand. Rule number 6, get really good at positivity. If you know me
at all, you know that I'm not just saying that as a trite fluffy platitude.
Positivity is understanding how to operate the equipment of your own mind
and that affects every relationship you're in especially this one. If you're
not even sure what I'm talking about there, get a hold of my book. I'm giving
it away for free on my website. DrPaulJenkins.com.
Big orange button. Click on that. I will ship this to you for free. You cover
the shipping, I'll buy the book.
Sound fair? I don't want this to be a platitude or a just think positive kind-
of-a video. This is important to understand how to operate the equipment.
Get a handle on that and get really good at it. That implies some practice. And you
get really good at whatever you practice a lot. So, if you've been practicing being
negative or critical or judgmental or harsh toward yourself or anybody else,
that's going to come really naturally to you. And it will take some work to turn
that around. Put in the work. Get really good at being positive. Rule number 7,
lighten up. Have some fun. We take ourselves in each other far too
seriously. And if we're not having fun, we're doing it wrong. Why do you want to
be in this relationship anyway? If it doesn't increase your joy and your
enjoyment of life then probably we need to make some adjustments. Have some fun
with this. In one of the steps I mentioned positivity. That is my
expertise and it's the starting place for all of our relationships including
our parenting. The best place to start is with a copy of this book. I'll ship it to
you. You cover the shipping, I'll cover the book. Does that sound
fair? DrPaulJenkins.com. Spelled with a D-R. There's a big orange button, click
on that fill out your information. I'll send this to you. I got your back.