I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAUGHT THE KENTUCKY DERBY ON SATURDAY.
IF NOT, YOU MISSED A LOT OF DRAMA.
BECAUSE ALTHOUGH FIRST PLACE INITIALLY WENT TO A HORSE BY THE
NAME OF "MAXIMUM SECURITY," ABOUT 20 MINUTES AFTER THE RACE
ENDED, "OFFICIALS FOUND MAXIMUM SECURITY GUILTY OF A CONTACT
FOUL AND DISQUALIFIED HIM."
OH, ALL OF A SUDDEN HORSE RACING HAS RULES?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A SPORT WHERE WE STRAP
TINY MEN TO HORSES TO WHIP THEM FOR A MILE AND A QUARTER AND IF
THERE'S AN INJURY, THE FIRST AID KIT IS A SHOTGUN!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TRUE STORY.
NOW, THIS STORY IS OF ZERO CONCERN TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, SO HE TWEETED "THE KENTUCKY DERBY DECISION WAS
NOT A GOOD ONE.
IT WAS A ROUGH AND TUMBLE RACE ON A WET AND SLOPPY TRACK,
ACTUALLY, A BEAUTIFUL THING TO WATCH.
ONLY IN THESE DAYS OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS COULD SUCH AN
OVERTURN OCCUR."
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) FIRST OF ALL, I'M SORRY YOUR
HORSE DIDN'T WIN.
BUT WITH ANY LUCK, YOU WILL BE SEEING MAXIMUM SECURITY AGAIN
SOON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SECOND -- AND I MEAN THIS WITH ALL DUE RESPECT -- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, GRANDPA?
WHAT IS HORSE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS?
(AS OLD MAN) "THESE LIBERAL, SNOWFLAKE HORSE
RACES.
THEY DON'T EVEN TURN THE LOSING JOCKEY INTO GLUE ANYMORE.
IF SECRETARIAT WERE ALIVE TODAY THEY'D HAVE TO CALL HIM AN
"EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT."
OH, AND THAT HORSE HAD A SWEET KEISTER.
COULDN'T SAY THAT NOW, OF COURSE.
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME BRUSH HER DOWN.
SEXY HORSES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AT LEAST THERE'S ONE
CULTURAL PHENOMENON THE PRESIDENT HASN'T WEIGHED IN ON.
THE GAME OF THE THROOOONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS THAT THE THEME SONG?
JON, DO YOU WATCH "GAME OF THRONES"?
>> Jon: UH -- NO, I DON'T.
I'M SORRY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: AMAZING EPISODE
LAST NIGHT, JON.
SPOILER: IT WAS ON HBO!
( LAUGHTER ) THE SHOW IS LEGENDARY FOR
CONSTANTLY ADDING SURPRISING NEW CHARACTERS, AND LAST NIGHT THEY
INTRODUCED A DOOZY.
LATTE, OF HOUSE STARBUCKS ( LAUGHTER )
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR COFFEE ON THE TABLE!
WHOOPSIE VENTI!
THAT IS THE BIGGEST ANACHRONISM IN POPULAR FANTASY SINCE
GOLLUM'S BIG GULP.
( LAUGHTER ) IT ALSO EXPLAINS WHY LAST WEEK'S
EPISODE WAS SO DARK.
THEY WERE TRYING TO HIDE ALL THE COFFEE CUPS!
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, A STARBUCKS IN WINTERFELL?
WESTEROS IS GENTRIFYING FAST!
FIRST THEY FORCE OUT THE "UNDESIRABLE" RESIDENTS, AND
SUDDENLY THE NIGHT'S WATCH IS DRINKING MOCHA-CHINOS, NEXT
THING YOU KNOW CASTLE BLACK HAS A JAMBA JUICE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CALLING
THIS STARBUCKS CUP A MISTAKE, NO.
"GAME OF THRONES" DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES.
NOT EVEN ED SHEERAN'S CAMEO.
( LAUGHTER ) GEORGE R.R. MARTIN SET STUFF IN
MOTION YEARS AGO THAT'S PAYING OFF NOW.
THAT CUP WAS THERE FOR A REASON.
I WORKED IT ALL OUT AFTER FOLLOWING OUR QUEEN'S EXAMPLE
AND POUNDING ESPRESSO ALL NIGHT.
OKAY, DAENERYS IS KNOWN AS THE "UNBURNT."
WHY?
BECAUSE HER COFFEE BEANS ARE ALWAYS PERFECTLY ROASTED.
AND LIKE ALL STARBUCKS CUSTOMERS, HER NAME IS
CONSTANTLY MISSPELLED, AND SHE'S OBSESSED WITH FINDING A SEAT.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: STEPHEN, THIS ALL MAKES PERFECT
SENSE SO FAR.
BUT HOW DID SHE GET A STARBUCKS CUP FROM THE FUTURE?
SIMPLE: DAENERYS HAS THE INFINITY GAUNTLET.
AND NOW YOU'RE THINKING, "NO SHE DOESN'T, STEPHEN.
THAT'S INSANE."
IS IT?
OR WILL IT MAKE PERFECT SENSE IF THEY WOULD JUST PRODUCE MY
SCREENPLAY: "ENDGAME OF AVENGERS INFINITY THRONES: PLEASE KEEP
THESE FRANCHISES GOING, I NEED THIS!"