- I know about what I know about.
- Uh-huh?
- But when it comes to things, other things-
- That you don't know about?
You don't know. - Nothing.
No, if I like something.
- I'm not aware of too many things.
- No, bitch! - I know what I know,
if you know what I mean.
- I'm gonna choke.
- Philosophy, doo, doo, duh.
- I'm saying.
- Groundbreaking.
(drag queens laughing)
What is this life?
What is this life? (laughing)
(drag queen claps hands)
- Hi, it's me, Trixie Mattel.
- And I'm Katya.
- And we are two Queens who like to watch.
- And today's program is season two of "Never Have I Ever."
A lovely comedy series courtesy of Mindy Kaling.
- Kelly from "The Office." - Kelly from "The Office."
Kelly Kapoor.
- I love Mindy Kaling.
- Yeah, she's great.
- Never have I ever seen "Never Have I Ever." (laughs)
(upbeat energetic music)
Big spoilers are ahead.
If you've never seen this show,
just know that you're gonna see the show.
- Yeah, if never have you ever
seen this "Never Have I Ever,"
you will have seen this ever.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever (bleep)ed in a car?
- I've done a lot of (bleep) in cars.
(Katya laughs)
One time, my boyfriend in college,
we Tokyo drift on accident through the snow
off deep, deep into a ravine.
We're snowed in, there's snow on either side of the car,
we can't even get out of the doors.
We've called for help, we're waiting a good hour.
- So naturally, it gets to (bleep)ing.
- So, yeah, we (bleep)ed.
- I thought you were gonna say the car flipped,
your clothes were ripped off,
and then his penis went into your hole.
- Yeah, and when we landed, the car flipped over,
and we had sex for the first time.
- (laughs) Yes.
- Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
- Never had you ever, but lo and behold, there you did.
- So the first season was "Never Have I Ever,"
and the second season is "I Did."
- Yeah. (laughs)
- At the end of season one, we find our protagonist
making out in the car with this man who she does not love.
And- - Mama, if I had a nickel.
- Her mom is watching, her mom can see her from her house!
♪ I'm getting back from the sun ♪
(drag queens laughing)
- It's Cody Choi from-
- Oh my God, it is Cody Choi!
- I'm sorry, Dr. Vishwakumar,
and my condolences?
- If my mom ever walked in on me kissing that guy,
I would expect her applause.
- [Katya] Yeah, she'd be like.
- "She'd be like, I can't believe you got a good one,
you ugly (bleep)er." - (laughs) Yeah.
♪ I was on fire ♪
- [Narrator] Ever since their steamy kiss in his car.
♪ Where did you go ♪
- [Narrator] He'd been icing her out.
- How many hot guys does this woman have in her orbit?
I can barely get my (bleep)ing boyfriend
to slip me a ring finger.
- [Narrator] Don't let this voicemail get behind-
(drag queens laugh)
- Have you been here since you left me that message?
- This was not my high school experience.
"Well, should I (bleep) him or her?
They both want me, I guess," like, you know what I mean?
- I cannot relate to the idea of there being options,
let alone one option.
- Not to mention options who wanna option me.
- Thank you.
It's the lack of options within a desert of "No."
- Yeah.
- That's the world I'm operating in.
- House of No.
- This is my last chance for an American
high school boyfriend.
- So, she decides she likes the hot guy in the Jeep.
- Understandable, sure.
- Ragtop, it gets hot in the summer, he's gorgeous.
- Absolutely.
- So goes to break up with the other guy,
and then he starts talking, and she's not sure, and.
- And hemming and hawing, indecisive, she can't do it.
- Pros and cons list! - Pros and cons list!
- Okay, she has a pros and cons list.
A con's kind of a dick.
- Past nemesis, well, move on.
Hairy forearms, that's-
- Hairy forearms is a con?
- Wow, okay.
- [Trixie] Not a lot in common, I mean, that's...
- Prolly good at sex?
Who's prolly good?
- Prolly good at? - Is that prob, like?
- Well, she's not great at spelling.
- Yeah, (laughs) or making lists.
- Just based on this list-
- She has very-
- Hella rich with hairy forearms, Mary, do it.
- Yeah, also, note, Paxton is not a name.
That's a condition.
- Wait, that's his first name?
- Yeah, we don't do that.
No, we don't do that.
Okay.
Bye, wig.
- [Trixie] I will be exiting the gig once again.
- Yeah.
(synth music sting)
If I'm living in a world where two guys want me,
I'm not shutting anybody down.
- If I had two men trying to have sex with me,
I would literally get two social security numbers,
two houses, two completely different lives.
- I would hack into the future to create a clone of myself
from the past, and raise it to look like me.
- You got two holes.
You got two guys.
- Mama, I have one word-
- You don't have a problem.
- I have one word for you. - You have a solution.
- DP. - DP, and in the mouth.
- 3P.
- What am I gonna do?
I don't wanna break up with Ben.
- Devi cannot choose between these two guys.
She cannot choose.
- What's the alternative?
You just date two guys until you move to India?
(phone buzzes)
- [Narrator] A text from Ben?
- [Trixie] Two boyfriend texts?
- Must be nice.
I think he's (bleep)ing adorable.
- Yeah, he's hot, hot as hell, four feet tall.
♪ Believe in my love forever ♪
♪ Couldn't you deal ♪
- Oh, making her friends help her with her lies, love it.
Would you lie for me, so I can have two boyfriends?
- Absolutely, I would.
- Work.
- I would lie too well.
- I need one with a Nordi's card,
and one with a Neiman Marcus card.
- Yeah. (laughing)
- Different locations, mama.
"Goodnight, babe, anyway,
"here's a link to an incredible swimsuit
from Versace that I love."
- Do both these boys know they're-
- Oh, work Niecy Nash! - Work Niecy Nash!
- All right, so Devi's stopping by her therapist's office
for a little bit of words of warning.
- Real relationships are built on honesty and trust, Devi.
- Me being explained basic human feelings once again.
"What?"
- Girl, I think you got zero.
- Thus the cold, hard, crispy hand of reality
slapped cleanly across your face.
- Well, by having two half relationships,
you don't have one complete relationship.
She's being half honest, because I'm gonna be like,
"I love you, babe, I'm just gonna step out,
'cause I'm gonna go suck that (bleep)."
(Katya laughs)
Yeah, you gotta be more open and honest.
- Cool.
- [Paxton] Where'd you go?
You got my drink? - You got it.
- There's gonna be a going away party, and surprise,
both of her boyfriends, Devi's lovers,
are going to be in attendance.
- Who are these people that think
they can really have a double life like this?
- It reminds me of "Mrs. Doubtfire."
- "Doubtfire," yeah.
Hold on, lemme just go slip into some quick old lady drag.
- Just let me explain.
- Uh-oh.
- Just thought you should know
that we're dating the same person.
(Trixie gasps)
- It's not as bad as it sounds.
I mean, you guys didn't even notice!
- Love it.
Love it.
- Get over yourself, Devi!
As if you could hurt me!
(car thunking) (tires screeching)
(drag queens shrieking)
(Katya clapping hands)
(synth music sting)
- Due to the severity of your injury,
you might have to face the possibility
that you might not swim for Stanford.
(Katya gasps)
And when you subtract the athlete part,
your options tend to narrow.
- You mean I have to be good at school to go to school?
- Community college.
- Two years, and then you can go,
you can graduate to a regular university.
Mary, cut the price in half.
Do not graduate from undergrad with loans.
- I took the liberty of setting you up
with the best peer tutor in the entire school.
(fist knocks)
- Work. - Awesome.
- Sorry.
- I love this.
They're gonna learn how to fall in love again.
- I always love a scene where someone's being tutored,
and they don't take it seriously.
And the smart person's like, "come on, you can do this,"
and they're like,
"no, I'm not, I'm just dumb, I'm not like you."
And then they'd get it.
(Katya laughs)
Do you know what I mean?
I love that scene when it plays out.
"I'm not like you, I'm an athlete.
I can't do learning."
And then she'll be like, "okay,
"you have two footballs, and three footballs, what's that?"
And he'll go, "five footballs."
And she'll be like, "see?" (Katya laughs)
And like- - Yeah, he's like,
"Whoa, I'm Einstein!"
- Yes, the writing is on the wall,
and I'm pissed about it.
- [Narrator] Who the hell is that?
- So, in walks another Indian hottie into the mix,
and gonna give Devi a little run for her money.
- She's beautiful.
- Oh shit, should I say more?
Shit, sorry for saying shit.
Okay, yeah, am I nailing this?
- Oh, she's funny too. - Yes.
- She's pretty, and like, ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo.
- Gorgeous, she just became the number one girl
in the entire school.
- [Narrator] Devi was in awe of this cool Indian teen.
- So she's pissed that there's another hot Indian girl.
- Yeah.
- Well, guess what?
A lot of people are hot. - Yeah, and-
- And I love watching hot people have to learn that.
- I'm friends with my cousin!
- No, you're not.
- So, the mom, on the other hand, is like,
"Oh my God, new potential Indian friend.
Let's invite her over for dinner."
- Silver lining, your flop ass can have a friend
instead of multiple boyfriends.
(record scratch)
- I really like your jacket.
- Okay, Devi liked Aneesa,
but now she's flirting with her half an ex-boyfriend
she doesn't want anymore, Ben.
- Lemme tell you what you don't have the right to do.
Be jealous of the man you betrayed and discarded.
- And your friend who's single, who just sees a cute guy.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be studying.
- Well, I was, but studying is boring.
- Read the shirt.
The Jodie Fasters. The Jodie Fasters!
My next marathon outfit.
- You have to.
- [Trixie] The Jodie Fasters.
- And on the back. OK to Go. OK to Go.
- Look at the dimples.
- It's incredible.
- Apparently everyone's talking about me.
They're saying I have an eating disorder.
(drag queens gasp)
- It's just a rumor, right?
- It's true.
- So, it turns out, be careful who you start a rumor
about eating disorders about,
because they might actually have an eating disorder.
- I'm so glad I met you guys.
Especially you, Devi.
It is probably the- - It was me.
I started the rumor.
(drag queens gasping)
- Tell the truth, Jackie.
- But I didn't know it was true.
I was just mad that you hooked up with Ben and-
- It's not looking good for Devi.
- B-I-C-T-H.
Devi has already lost her two boyfriends.
She's about to lose all her girlfriends.
- All her friends.
(synth music sting)
- I don't feel bad for her,
she (bleep)ed up her own life.
- I don't feel bad for her at all,
she's a messy bitch who lives for drama.
- She lives for drama.
You lie down with pigs, you're a pig!
(Katya laughs)
You lie down with pigs, you're a pig.
(synth music sting)
Well, Devi is suspended from school,
and her mom is about to let her have it.
- Let her have it. (snapping fingers)
I got suspended from school.
- For what?
- I don't remember what though.
- I find it interesting that they suspend people,
when you don't go to school,
they can suspend you from going to school.
What?
"If you don't stop having sex, we're gonna (bleep) you."
- Exactly! (laughs and claps) - Like, what?
- But a suspension goes on my permanent record,
that could ruin my chance to go to Princeton!
Mom, do something!
- These are the consequences for your actions.
- Thank you!
"And you know what else?
"You know that printed coats were my thing.
(Katya laughs)
"And you wore them to school with me, the (bleep)ing nerve."
- Principal Grubbs just suspended me.
Maybe if you talk to her-
- Wow, that's what you care about?
- I thought she was gonna apologize.
- I've wanted to go to Princeton forever.
Like, it's my whole thing.
- Well, now my whole thing is being
the new girl with an eating disorder.
- Work. (snaps fingers)
- You are crazy, Devi.
- Thank you! - Thank you,
finally, Jesus Christ.
- Imagine if you do horribly damaging things
to the people around you,
maybe everyone doesn't think you're a great person.
- Get away from me, pedophile!
- It's me.
- Okay, so Devi sneaks by her grandma,
breaks into her school in disguise,
and is trying to figure out how to apologize to Aneesa.
- At this point, she should just like
commit to a life of crime.
- Please don't tell me this works.
This is making it worse.
- [Cheerleader] Ready?
Okay! (crowd cheers and claps)
- [Cheerleaders] S-O-R-R-Y, she ain't got no alibi,
she's sorry!
- Can you turn this hand into a knife
and then slit my throat.
- This is a homophobic corporation doing a Pride event.
(Katya laughs)
- Is this your way of apologizing to me?
- "This is a nice effort, but my Venmo is..."
(Katya laughs)
- It's 'cause she told everybody that she's anorexic.
(drag queens laughing)
- [Teenager] Oh, I forgot all about that.
- Aneesa came here, I felt threatened by her.
- You know what she's serving?
A college-aged girl doing a drag number.
- College, yeah, first time in drag king.
- Aneesa, I really don't want you to leave.
- You did good.
Now that she's staying, I'm gonna ask her out.
- Ew, okay, kissing in school, does that happen?
- Does kissing in school happen?
I don't think so.
- It is not my experience, it is not my experience.
Nobody, I've never saw anybody kiss in high school.
- You couldn't even wear spaghetti straps at my high school.
- That's right, people would get sent home
for wearing revealing outfits.
- No, I think now kids at school are legs up,
they're the, you know, (Katya laughs)
(moans) Outside, you know, by the locker.
- Poppers in homeroom.
- Oh!
(Trixie laughing)
- They have phones in their pocket,
they could be discreetly--
- Oh my God.
- Viewing all kinds of like depraved material.
- They're like, in math textbook open,
they're bend down and get their pencil,
hit a poppers, bend down to get their graphing calculator-
- Yeah, do cigs, E, no, what's the E-cig?
- K.
- No, no, the vaping.
- Vaping, vaping into the pocket protector.
- And sucking face.
- Is this a Maybach?
Sick. - Okay,
so she's with Ruby Rose in a Jeep.
(Katya laughs) - Wait, I recognize that-
- Devi and Paxton spy Devi's mom, perhaps necking in a car.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
- Yes.
- What would you do if you saw your mom
in a car with another-
- Mind your own (bleep)ing business,
that's what you would do.
- She's learned nothing.
- Learned nothing.
- But it's way too soon, right?
Like, she should still be mourning my dad.
- Is this like what happens only in the movies?
- When your parent dies or divorces,
and your other parent dates again, they always flip out,
is this something happens in real life?
- I think that, yes. I think that there's-
- "I wanted you to be alone forever!"
- Yeah, "The only man, you can (bleep) is dead!"
- "Well, mom, now that dad's dead,
clitorectomy, monastery, now." (Katya laughing)
Oh, she's still got her ring on.
Gorgeous father.
(drag queens laugh)
I love that. - That's cute.
- Love that.
I think that's probably real.
It's hard for people to figure out how to date again.
- Of course, a long period of time
where you probably feel guilty
for trying to move on.
- Yes, and if you're compassionate for your mom,
wouldn't you just be like-
- You want her to move on and be happy!
- Yes, yes! - You're always.
- You want her to get opened up.
- (laughs) You want her to get (bleep) down.
- To within an inch of her life.
- Yes. (laughs)
- Really handsome.
- She's basically stripping!
- Devi, don't jump to conclusions.
- Devi and her cousin are spying
to see what the nature of this hangout is.
- Her supermodel cousin.
- [Trixie] I mean, not very under the radar.
- Not very "Harriet the Spy,"
they've not watched "Harriet the Spy." (laughs)
(Devi shrieks) (water splashing)
- What am I doing?
What are you doing?
(synth music sting)
- "Dad's dead, you're not supposed to ever love again
'cause dad's dead."
- Well, I think it's great.
- You like it?
- I love it.
- Okay.
- Death is a very big bringer-together of people.
- You think?
- I know.
The smell of death surrounds you.
- (laughs) That's not what that song's about, but okay.
(Katya laughs) (synth music sting)
All right, so Devi's in a fight with her mom,
and who should slip in the DMs, AKA the window?
- If anybody came to my window,
and I'm talking anybody- - It's on, it's on.
- Yeah.
- You're in my-
- Hot and wet?
What is her life?
Does karma not exist in this universe?
If you act like an asshole,
hot guys come dripping wet in your bedroom?
- Are you here to study or?
- Don't you dare touch her.
She does not deserve it.
It should've been me.
- I'm good to everyone in my life.
I'm good to the community.
- Yeah.
- And my life sucks. (Katya laughs and laughs)
And look at Devi.
- How could you move on so quickly?
- I moved on, not at all.
- I love that she's like,
"Guys crawl in my window soaking wet,
but mom, you're a (bleep.)"
- I had all of his voicemails on my phone, but they're gone.
- [Devi's Dad] Whoa, whoa, Paula Abdul.
- {Trixie] Bitch just got home from the buffet.
(Katya laughing)
- Oh my God, do people make videos
like this to their babies?
- I don't know, and I don't wanna know.
♪ Hey, inside ♪
- Hey, pal.
- Did he just call her "pal?"
- Paxton called her "pal."
So now she's a little hazy on the relationship.
- Good.
- Pals don't creep through other pals' windows to hook up.
- Also, so hetero.
Gay people, your friends can make out with you.
- Oh, mama.
- It's not the end of the world.
- Your friends can fist you.
(Trixie laughs)
- If I'm being honest, I'm not really a PDA guy.
- I don't think it's a bad thing to be, like, discreet
about who you're making out with.
- I don't think (bleep) anybody
needs to know anything you don't want them to know.
- "Hey bud, are you my discreet bud?"
(Katya laughing)
"My discreet gym bud."
"Hi bud!"
- (laughs) "Hi bud, do you like discreet?"
(drag queens laughing) (synth music sting)
- Would you wanna go to the dance with me?
- Sorry, but no.
(Trixie gasps)
- I feel you could use some fatherly wisdom.
- Dream dad comes in to give her a real life lesson.
- But it's not good enough for you, my perfect girl.
- Dr. Mohinder Suresh from "Heroes," so hot.
He is so hot. - Yeah.
- I call you my perfect girl because you are perfect to me.
- I love people's idealized dead parents in shows.
- "How are you, my darling?
Your father and I are going out to the opera tonight."
Now would be a great time to (bleep).
- We need to talk.
(Paxton groans)
I can't be your secret hookup.
- I'd be like, "You know what a real man would do?"
And I would plank and he would.
(Katya laughs)
(Trixie groans)
- Then flip you over, and then do. (grunts)
- Hell yeah.
- I just can't be that for you.
- Thank you for the time we spent together.
(Katya laughs) - They're breaking up.
(Katya laughs)
Paxton is like, "It's our secret thing."
- Yeah, I love that.
- Let it be a secret, Mary, you're in high school.
- You're in high school!
- Jesus Christ.
- Ooh, actually, that's a gift.
Thinking about all the gossip you avoid,
all the looks and see, you know what I mean?
It's a gift!
- You can't be slut-shamed
if everyone thinks you're a eunuch.
- Hello.
- I think it's 'cause gay people are not put off
by being someone's secret, 'cause it's happened.
- Yeah, we've had it every which way.
- Yeah, and sometimes your dead dad leads you astray.
- Sometimes the advice you receive from your dead dad
in a dream turns out not to be so great.
- It's just a dream, it's just a dream.
- Yeah, it's just a dream.
- You like girls, right?
- Very much so.
- Fabiola's having some identity issues.
You know, in high school, I mean,
I didn't know how you, I was never,
I was not gay in high school,
so I don't know how to be gay in high school.
- No.
- Neither does she.
- I don't love how many straight girls
feel like they can just casually call me bitch now.
- Amen, bitch, oh.
(Katya laughs)
- Love it.
The worst thing about being gay
is that everyone thinks you're gonna be nice.
- Oh my God, say it again, say it again.
- Not on my watch.
Not all gay people are nice.
Not all gay people wanna be your funny friend.
- Not all gay people are any good.
- Consider me not your funny friend,
but your enemy with not a funny bone in his body.
- (laughs) Yeah.
- [Woman With Microphone] Okay, gorgeous!
- Look at (bleep)ing secret, you bitch!
- (gasps) Ew, ew!
- Look at the outfit!
- Those tiaras are giving me life.
- Thanks, Gears.
- Those are so cute, actually.
- They're like-
- The tiaras, I think they're so cute.
- Well, she's learning a valuable lesson here.
There's no one way to be gay.
- This is something everybody in high school experiences,
how do I be a person?
The person I wanna be?
(synth music sting)
- If that would have never, that's a high school?
At my school- - I was gonna say-
- Two women kiss, someone would be like,
"Get a room, Ellen!"
(Katya laughs) Like.
- No, and that would be the nicest version of that
in high school.
This would never- - That would never happen.
- Never.
- I'm happy for today's youths.
- Yeah, that they can see this on a TV show.
- I like this because we root for Devi,
but Devi represents all of us
in that she's not always the best person.
- Well, this show has everything.
The full depth and breadth of sociopathy.
- It has a lot of fashion.
- Dream sequences, dead dads.
- Single moms.
- Plotting, scheming, revenging, lying.
- Disguises.
- Fancy, fabulous therapists.
- Truly. Check out
- "Never Have I Ever" season two on Netflix.
- Goodbye!
(upbeat synth music)