- Being taken for granted at work, how to feel valued.
So if you're like me, you really crave
that validation from other people.
Like you want someone to say you did a great job.
You want someone to say thank you.
You want someone to say "we couldn't have done that
"without you, that was amazing."
We don't wanna admit that we want this or that we need this
but most of us do.
In this video, I'm gonna teach you how you can have that
feeling without what other people say.
It doesn't matter what they say or don't say,
I'm gonna teach you how to feel validated
just by using your brain.
This is the juice.
(mellow music)
So I've worked with a lot of clients
and I know that it is completely normal
to want external validation.
So we want our boss to say "thank you" or "good job",
"we couldn't have done it without you".
And this is from when we were kids, right?
Like we want our parents to say that to us, our teachers.
That's what we're taught to grow up and believe
is that we need that external validation from other people
in order to feel good, in order to feel like we matter,
like we mean something, like our work in the world
was a contribution.
So the problem with this is is that when we grow up,
we realize that this doesn't happen nearly as often
as it probably should, right?
So I'm with you, I agree that we don't spend enough time
celebrating our accomplishments.
We don't spend enough time complimenting other people
or pointing out the other things that people do
that are truly valuable and truly made a difference, right?
We don't do that enough.
Nowadays, we're more like, "yeah, that was good,
"but you know, you really missed a spot over there.
"You really should have done this better.
"Why did you do that?"
And they tend to ignore all the great contributions
that you made, or all the great things that you did.
In the workplace, quite often, this happens
and myself working in HR, I hear about this
all the time, right?
Like someone worked on a great, really big project,
impacted the company a lot and they feel like,
"You know what?
"It would've been nice if my manager
"would've acknowledged me.
"It would've been nice if my manager would have come
"and said 'thanks for your help on that'."
And that doesn't happen nearly as often
as people need it to.
But I wanna introduce to you that that's actually not
what makes us feel good.
It's actually not.
Your manager might come to you and say, "You know what?
"Good job on that."
But if you just thought it was part of the job
or if you didn't think it was that big a deal,
if it was really easy for you -- say you made a copy
on the photo copier or something and they were like,
"Oh my God, thank you so much, you did such a good job
"with that photo copy, thank you so much" --
you might be like, "Yeah, whatever, I just did my job."
You have to believe that the validation
and the words of affirmation are sincere
for them to actually mean anything.
And I know that for me, a lot of the time,
someone has said to me, "you did a great job",
or "that was amazing", or "thank you so much".
And I've dismissed it in my brain and I've thought,
"Nah, they're just being nice.
"They don't really mean that it was a big deal."
Or, "It was no big deal, that was just me doing my job."
And so this proves that it's not what they say to you,
it's not what anybody else says to you,
it's actually what you think about your own accomplishment
or your own contribution or what you did, right?
So what actually matters is what you think.
So you're the one who can actually
give yourself that validation, right?
And you have to give it to yourself first
before what anyone says actually has an impact on you.
Say you tie your shoes and they're like,
"Oh my God, you did such a good job for tying your shoes,
"good job, thank you so much for tying your shoes."
You're gonna be like, "Huh?
"Whatever, obviously."
You might even feel insulted by it, right?
So it just goes to prove that it's not what they say to you,
it's what you actually think about whatever it was.
And this is actually really good news
because it means that we don't have to wait around
for other people to validate us or for other people
to think that we did a good job and tell us.
And when we're focused on waiting
for other people to give us the validation,
we are missing out on our capability
and showing ourselves what we're capable of.
And counterintuitively, when we do that,
we rise to the occasion, we grow as people
and we accomplish more when we are able to show ourselves
what we're capable of.
If you're waiting around for other people to validate you,
for your boss to tell you you did a good job,
for your co-workers to recognize you,
you could be waiting around a long time.
And if they haven't been doing it,
they're probably not gonna do it.
I mean, if we could change them, if you could get them
to validate us more, I would be all for it.
But the truth is that they don't wanna do that.
If that's not in their nature, they're probably not
gonna just start doing it because you asked them to.
They might try for a bit, but if that's not who they are,
they're not gonna do it, right?
And we don't need that.
We need to show ourselves what we're capable of
because that's what's ultimately gonna make us
more successful, which is what we want, right?
So it's good news that we don't
have to wait around for them.
So what I wanna teach you is how to be confident
in your own abilities, how to build that confidence
in your own abilities, in yourself, without anybody
telling you that you did a great job
or that you're appreciated or valued.
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for more money,
or you shouldn't ask for more compensation
if you have been doing the work of three people
and you're only being paid for one.
I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for that.
I'm saying you need to validate yourself first
in order to get to the point where you know
you deserve more and you can either ask for it
or go elsewhere for it, right?
But the work is actually within yourself,
that's what I wanna offer you, is you don't need
anyone else to validate.
You can actually take a good hard look at the work
you've done and you can see the impact, the results
that you created, the thought process that you had to get
to what you did and you can actually say,
"Yeah, you know what?
"I'm pretty good.
"I'm pretty good at what I do."
And that is what's gonna drive you to get even better
and to actually reach goals
that you didn't even think of yet.
So learning how to identify what you have done
as a significant contribution and learning how to point out
your accomplishments to yourself is what's actually
gonna make you unstoppable in your career.
So think about the people who you admire,
who you think are really amazing,
who do really amazing work.
They know that they have a value and they know
that they're good at what they do.
Because the alternative is waiting for someone else
to tell you how good you are,
waiting for someone else to thank you.
That leaves it in the hands of other people
and you feel powerless, right?
You're waiting for someone else to say something
before you can feel good, and if that's where you are
right now, then you're waiting around for something
that may or may not happen and you're missing out
on your life and you're missing out
on what you're capable of because you're waiting for
something that's not within your control.
So it's really good news because validating yourself
means you can just move forward faster.
You can learn more faster
and you can contribute more faster.
You can do more and make more money,
because you know your worth.
So that's the big thing I work on with clients, right?
And once they start to realize their worth,
they become unstoppable.
They're like, "Yeah, I am freaking good"
and it's amazing what they can accomplish.
I'm so proud and so excited for them.
So that's what I wanna offer to you,
is you don't need somebody else to tell you
you did a good job, right?
I'm gonna show you how you can validate yourself
with a few simple questions in just a minute.
So how you create that value within yourself, right?
How do you create and cultivate that belief
that you have contributed something really impactful?
So I've got some questions that you can ask yourself
and if you want, you can journal them out
or write them out or however you wanna internalize this
that will help you to kinda reflect on the work that you did
so that you can start to see what you're really capable of
and it's pretty exciting.
First question is, how did you figure it out?
So say you were working on a project, you were given a task
and maybe at the beginning you were like,
"I don't really know how we're gonna get this done".
But at the end, you did it
or you gave it a valiant effort or a good try.
You met the goal or you got close to the goal.
How did you figure it out?
Answer that question for yourself.
See what you come up with.
Then I want you to ask yourself,
what was the most difficult part about this?
What was the part where you were really having to think
critically, really having to ask people, research,
what did you have to do and how was it the most difficult
part of getting to the result?
That's where your brain is growing,
that's where you're learning the most.
Third, what result did you actually get?
So what are the facts here?
Did you meet the goal?
Did you get the monetary value?
Were people happy?
Did you actually meet the goal or the quota
or whatever it was?
Did you come close to it?
So whether you did or you didn't doesn't mean
anything personal about you, it's just what you need
to learn or the lessons that you need to grow.
But ask yourself, what were the results?
What were the facts?
And then, what are you most proud of?
So maybe somebody came to you
and they were very dissatisfied,
so maybe there was a customer
and they were very dissatisfied.
And -- just a random example -- and they got really upset
with you and maybe you didn't take it personally
or snap back at them,
you just handled it very professionally.
You can't control their behavior obviously,
what's going on with them is what's going on with them,
but maybe you just kept yourself very composed.
Maybe it was a stakeholder in a project,
maybe it was a customer, maybe it was
a co-worker or your boss and you just kept yourself
very composed and you were very professional
about how you handled it.
That could be an example of something to be proud of.
And then, come to terms that you really have two choices.
You can either wait for other people to validate you
and since we can't control other people,
they're gonna do what they're gonna do anyway.
You can either wait for that, it may or may not come,
you're not in control of what they do.
Or you can choose the path of yourself and what you control
and you can choose to ask yourself the questions.
Really get curious about what you learned,
about how you evolved, how you grew, how you became
different as a person because of the result of this project
that you took on, the experience that you brought
and what you were able to accomplish, what results you got,
what was hard for you, what you were proud of in the end.
And when you reflect on that,
you have all the answers there.
You don't have all the answers
when you're relying on somebody else.
And when you're relying on other people,
people tend to get frustrated, discouraged,
stuck in the fact that it's unfair
that they're not getting recognized,
it's unfair that they're not getting the monetary reward
that they would have liked
or promotion that they would have liked,
thinking that things are basically unfair,
that's the result there.
And that leaves you powerless
because you can't do anything about that, right?
When you're on this side and you're focusing
on what you did, how you evolved, how it made you
a different better person, what you're most proud of,
you can then take that and if necessary, you can use that,
focusing on that and journaling that
and having that very clear in your mind,
you can take that to somebody who is gonna pay you
what you deserve or is gonna give you
the monetary compensation that it's worth,
versus waiting for people to acknowledge you
or give you the raise or promotion, right?
That's not gonna be within your control.
So I urge you, I encourage you, focus on what your opinion
is of your project, of your accomplishments,
of what you did.
And maybe you think you need to improve in some areas,
that's completely normal too.
You probably do.
You probably see areas where you can be better,
but that's good, right?
That's you evolving your brain, going for what you want,
living your life without waiting for validation
from anybody else.
And the counterintuitive thing here is that when you focus
on what you can control, when you focus on what you can do
and what you're proud of and what you can improve on
and what you think about what you did, you end up getting
the validation from other people because if you've ever
heard before, people are attracted to confidence.
They love people who really don't care
what anyone else things of them, they're just going for it.
They're just doing their thing and they're just rocking
their own house down.
And when you do that, automatically people start
to get curious about you and what you're doing
and how you're doing it and they start to wanna be like you.
Focus on yourself, keep your eyes in your own lane
and what other people do is up to them.
So I hope this video has left you feeling more empowered,
more in control and I thank you for watching.
And if you'd like to hear more from me
and get more help, you can click one of the links below.
I have a free workshop and I have free resources
and free guides and you can find me on my website
at www.nataliefisher.ca, where you and I can get on a call
and I can help you personally for wherever it is
that you would like to go.
And if you like this video, give me a thumbs up.
If you didn't, give it a thumbs down.
Subscribe to the channel if you're not already.
Thank you so much for watching,
and I will see you next week.