- Now I was dealing with the whole,
you know, we got a Jewish baby.
I've got, my side was like, "What you gonna do?
(audience laughing)
"How you gonna raise the baby, what you gonna do?
"No Christmas, you're not gonna have a tree?"
(audience laughing)
Lot of people deal with this.
"Well, you know, her family is more religious than us."
(audience laughing)
So I'm trying to figure out
how I could appease my family, okay.
So here the woman comes in for the bath.
She's like, "We're here to have
"your daughter Seraphina for her first bath."
I said, "Oh, okay."
I go, "Babe, we're gonna go,"
she goes, "Oh, no, no, no, one parent, only one parent."
I said, "Okay, babe, take care of the tar,
"let me go find out (audience laughing)
"what's happening with bath time."
(audience laughing)
Now, I thought there was gonna be a beautiful porcelain tub,
some candles dimly lit, little Kenny G. playing.
(audience laughing)
And then it hit me, I was gonna try and sneak
a baptism into the bath. (audience laughing)
I figured if I went to the death floor
and found a priest giving last rites,
I'll ask him, "Do you wanna come up to 5
"and baptize a Jewish baby
"so my mother and father get off my back?"
(audience laughing)
So now we take the baby home, nobody tells you nothing,
we're just gonna figure it out.
One month in, baby starts crying.
It's a cry we've never heard before.
And we do everything as a duet, me and my wife.
If the baby's crying, we get up as a,
feed, we feed together, everything is a duet.
This is not how my father and mother worked it.
(audience laughing)
If I was crying, my father, "Go get it!
"I gotta work!" (audience laughing)
"Do you wanna kiss the--" "I won't kiss it!
"I gotta work!" (audience laughing)
But now, 2018, everything's a couple,
we share the duty. (audience laughing)
So my wife checks the baby, she's like,
"She got a stuffed up nose."
Now, babies can't blow their own nose, I didn't know this.
(audience laughing)
I thought they just (mimics baby sneezing)
and then, you know, sneeze and shit came out.
I'm like, I didn't know that we had to assist in this.
My wife gives me this apparatus.
It's like a bullet you put in the nostril
and there's a hose attached and you're at the other end.
And I go, "Babe, what are you, you want me to,
"you want me to suck the snot out of her nose
"and then swallow that?
"I'll do it if that's what this requires,
"but shouldn't we read the box or google it?"
(audience laughing)
So here I am, 3:00 a.m., in my underwear,
(audience laughing)
with the tube up my daughter, (sucking loudly)
(audience laughing)
My wife's like, "What's wrong?"
She goes, "There's supposed to be a filter."
I go, "There's no filter, I got it.
(audience laughing)
"I got it right here, I got it right here."
(audience laughing)
Like, who woulda known that this woulda been it, I mean?
I'm going back to bed with my wife,
I go, "Nine years ago, if I'd told you
"I was gonna be sucking snot out of our daughter's nose
"in my underwear with my left nut hanging out,
"would you woulda still done it?"
(audience laughing) (gentle music)